The train to Munich was packed.
People whispered as they passed Tajdin.
"That's the pretzel guy!"
"No, the water guy!"
"Wrong — the lamp man!"
"Silence, fools! He is ALL THREE!"
Karl nudged him.
"See? Branding works."
Tajdin muttered,
"I don't want branding. I want obscurity."
Munich — The Hall of Unwanted Fame
The rented hall was enormous.
Too enormous.
If you could host a concert, a chess tournament, and a large-scale pillow fight in the same building, this was it.
The organizer ran up to them.
"You finally made it! We've been warming up the crowd."
"Warming up?" Tajdin asked weakly. "With what?"
"Debate, beer, and accordion music!"
The crowd roared. Someone threw a pretzel across the room like a frisbee.
Operation: Worst Speech in Human History
Tajdin's plan was simple:
Make the speech so boring, confusing, and painful that nobody would ever want him to talk again.
He scribbled notes on the back of a train ticket:
SPEECH PLAN (bad)
Talk about tax laws
Mention onions for no reason
Make incorrect math
Read random dictionary words
End by complimenting ceiling
Karl peeked at the notes.
"Bold strategy."
"I'm ending my political career today," Tajdin whispered.
The Execution of Failure (Which Failed)
Tajdin stepped on stage.
The crowd roared so loud the lamps rattled.
He raised a hand to quiet them.
It worked instantly.
"Citizens… today we discuss tax forms."
Nobody booed.
In fact, several men leaned forward attentively.
Step 1 had failed.
Tajdin continued.
"Let us consider the humble onion."
A few nods. One man wrote notes.
Step 2 failed.
He tried Step 3.
"If one pretzel costs two marks, and two pretzels cost… eleven marks…"
He knew the math was wrong.
But instead of confusion, gasps filled the hall.
"It's a metaphor! Inflation!"
Karl elbowed him.
"Good angle, Adolf!"
Tajdin internally screamed.
He went for Step 4 — dictionary attack.
"'Hydration: the process of providing water.'"
"'Lamp: a device that produces illumination.'"
"'Pretzel: a baked bread product of German origin.'"
The crowd stood up.
"EDUCATION FOR THE MASSES!"
"KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!"
"HE BRINGS CLARITY!"
Tajdin stared blankly at the universe.
"I… just read the dictionary."
Finally, Step 5:
He looked up and declared dramatically,
"This ceiling is… acceptable."
Silence.
Confusion.
Finally someone shouted,
"He demands honest infrastructure!"
The hall exploded with applause.
Karl hugged him.
"You nailed it!"
"I tried to destroy myself!"
"Exactly! Very avant-garde!"
The Endorsement Problem
After the speech, a local political figure approached.
"Adolf! I have decided to endorse you."
"No. Endorse yourself. I endorse YOU."
The man gasped.
"I can't! Compared to you, I am but a moldy baguette!"
"What?! No! I am the baguette!"
The man bowed dramatically.
"Then I shall step aside… for the PHLU leader."
"PHLU?" Tajdin asked.
"The Pretzel Hydration Lamp Union."
Tajdin felt his soul leave his body.
National Headlines
Next morning, newspapers displayed glory he did not want:
A NEW VOICE FOR GERMANY EMERGES
HITLER SPEAKS TRUTH ABOUT ONIONS + INFLATION
THE PHLU IS BORN
But the worst headline was:
'HE DOES NOT SEEK POWER — THEREFORE HE DESERVES IT'
Tajdin stared at it and whispered:
"I'm losing to destiny harder than anyone has ever lost to anything."
Karl ate a pretzel casually.
"It's empowering."
Destiny Tightens the Net
That afternoon a letter arrived.
Official, stamped, and aggressively serious.
Karl read it aloud:
"You are invited to Berlin to discuss national direction."
Tajdin grabbed the letter.
"No. No national. No direction. We will ignore it."
A knock came at the door.
Three men in uniforms.
One said:
"We're here to escort you to Berlin."
Karl grinned.
"You're really moving up in the world!"
Tajdin whispered to the universe:
"I hope the future historians appreciate how hard I tried NOT to be here."
Destiny did not respond.
Destiny merely checked another box.