**Valhalla. Sector 1 (Residential Heights).**
**Friday. 7:00 PM.**
"Knock knock."
A fist bangs on the reinforced door of Saitama's apartment. The force shakes the picture frame (a photo of Genos attempting to smile) off the wall.
Saitama, wearing his OPPAI hoodie, slides the door open.
"We're not buying any encyclopedias," he says automatically.
Standing in the hallway is **Hercules**.
He is wearing a tuxedo that is straining at the seams. He holds a casserole dish wrapped in aluminum foil.
Behind him stands **Thor** (holding a keg of mead), **Brunhilde** (holding a bottle of wine and looking stressed), and **Jack the Ripper** (holding... a suspicious pie).
"It is not a sales call!" Hercules booms, smiling brilliantly. "It is the Bi-Weekly Neighborhood Mixer! Hosted by Unit 202!"
Saitama blinks. "Unit 202? That's me."
"Indeed!" Hercules barges in. "You have the largest balcony and the best view of the Dimensional Tear. It was voted on by the HOA committee. Didn't Hermes send the memo?"
Saitama looks at the pile of unopened mail on the counter (mostly final notices).
"Uh... maybe?"
**The Gathering.**
Within 20 minutes, Saitama's tiny apartment is filled with the greatest beings in history.
The laws of physics regarding occupancy are being violated, but the Narrative ignores it.
* **King** is in the corner, surrounded by Valkyries who are watching him play *Animal Crossing*. Every time he catches a butterfly, they cheer like he slew a dragon.
*"The patience!" Göll whispers. "He waits for the insect to land! Pure killer instinct!"*
* **Satan** (Mr. Red) is in the kitchen with **Hades**. They are comparing underworld management strategies.
*"I use eternal fire," Satan brags. "High overhead, but great atmosphere."*
*"I prefer bureaucratic delay," Hades sips his wine. "Nothing hurts a soul more than filling out forms for eternity."*
* **Genos** is standing guard over the snack table. He is scanning the dip for poison.
*"Salsa purity: 99%," Genos mutters. "Safe for consumption."*
* **Poseidon** stands on the balcony, looking away from everyone. He refuses to hold a drink. He refuses to mingle. He is just vibing with his own perfection.
**The Main Event: Potluck Logic.**
Saitama sits next to **Buddha**, who has brought a family-sized bag of popcorn.
"So," Saitama asks, chewing a carrot stick. "Do you guys just... hang out? Don't you have a universe to run?"
Buddha laughs. "Management is delegating, my guy. Plus, after you broke the narrative wall, the responsibilities got kinda blurry. We're just living in the epilogue now."
"Epilogue?" Saitama frowns. "Does that mean my rent stops?"
"Nope. Bills are eternal."
**The Incident.**
Jack the Ripper places his pie on the table.
"Apple and Rhubarb," Jack smiles, eyes glinting. "With a secret ingredient."
**Zeus** (in muscle form because he wants to show off) grabs a slice.
"Finally! Sustenance!"
He takes a massive bite.
His eyes widen.
Steam shoots from his ears.
His face turns purple. Then red. Then blue.
"WATER!" Zeus screams, thunder rumbling indoors. "IT BURNS! THE NECTAR OF HADES!"
"Oh dear," Jack chuckles. "I may have accidentally used ghost peppers instead of cinnamon. Common mistake."
Zeus rampages. He crashes through the wall into the bathroom. He rips the sink off the wall trying to drink directly from the pipe.
Water sprays everywhere.
**Poseidon** (on the balcony) feels the water pressure drop in the building.
"Impure," he whispers. "My plumbing is compromised."
**The Cleanup.**
Saitama stands up.
He walks to the bathroom.
Zeus is wrestling the pipes.
"Let go of my sink," Saitama says.
"IT IS TOO SPICY!" Zeus wails. "THE BURN IS ETERNAL!"
Saitama grabs Zeus by the toga.
He tosses the King of Gods into the hallway.
"Go use the garden hose. And pay for the faucet."
Saitama looks at the broken sink. Water is spraying onto the ceiling.
"Genos! Welding!"
Genos sprints in. "Incineration Pulse: Low Heat!"
He welds the pipe shut with his finger laser. The leak stops.
**The Unexpected Guest.**
A portal opens in the middle of the living room.
Silence falls. The music stops (it was Loki's Spotify playlist: "Chaos Mix Vol. 1").
From the portal steps a man in a black suit.
He wears glasses. He holds a briefcase.
He radiates neither divine power nor heroic aura. He radiates... corporate energy.
**The Landlord.**
Saitama freezes. "Mr. Peterson?"
"Mr. Saitama," the Landlord adjusts his glasses. "We received reports of unauthorized modifications. Broken walls. Water damage. Giant robots bisected on the premises."
He looks around at the room full of gods, demons, and cyborgs.
"And... over-occupancy."
The Landlord opens his briefcase.
"I am terminating your lease. You have 24 hours to vacate."
The room goes dead silent.
Zeus (soaked) steps forward. "You dare? I am the Father of the Cosmos! This apartment is under my protection!"
He throws a lightning bolt to intimidate the Landlord.
The Landlord catches the lightning bolt.
With a pen.
He puts the pen in his pocket. The lightning vanishes.
"Lightning constitutes a fire hazard," the Landlord says coldly. "Strike two."
Satan (Mr. Red) steps up. "I will eat your soul!"
He transforms into his Primordial Form.
The Landlord checks his watch.
"Pets must be leashed. Strike three."
He points a finger at Saitama.
"Get out."
Saitama stands there.
He defeated Boros. He slapped Garou. He punched Time. He erased the Narrative.
But against eviction notices?
Against the bureaucratic inevitability of Property Law?
He has no power. No punch can lower rent. No serious move can fix a lease agreement.
Saitama drops his carrot.
He falls to his knees.
The despair is real. It is deep. It is Beige.
"Okay," Saitama whispers. "I'll pack."
**The Deus Ex Machina.**
"Wait."
**King** stands up.
*DOOM-DOOM-DOOM.*
The Landlord looks at King.
King walks over. He places a hand on the briefcase.
"Sir," King says. His voice rumbles. "Do you play *Animal Crossing*?"
The Landlord blinks. The corporate mask slips.
"I... I possess a Switch. My island has a 5-star rating."
King pulls out his own console.
"I have the rare Blue Rose hybrid. And... I have Rayhmond the Cat ready to move out."
The Landlord gasps. A gasp of pure, unfiltered desire.
"Rayhmond? The business cat with heterochromia?"
"Yes," King nods. "I will trade him to you. In exchange... you forget Strike One, Two, and Three. And you lower the rent by 10%."
The Landlord sweats. He looks at Saitama. He looks at King.
He looks at the digital cat on the screen.
Greed wars with Duty.
"Deal," the Landlord whispers. "Transfer the cat."
King initiates the transfer.
The Landlord smiles. He closes his briefcase.
"You may stay," he announces. "But fix the sink."
He walks back into the portal.
**Victory.**
The room explodes.
"KING!" Thor lifts King onto his shoulders.
"The Strongest!" Brunhilde cheers.
"He bargained with the Ultimate Authority!" Hades claps politely.
Saitama stands up. He looks at King, who is being tossed in the air.
"You saved us," Saitama mouths.
King winks (nervously). "I just... really wanted that rent decrease."
**Epilogue.**
Midnight.
The guests have left. The apartment is a mess, but quiet.
Saitama stands on the balcony, looking at the fused moon.
Genos joins him.
"Master. Today was productive. We retained housing and acquired three leftover pies."
"Yeah," Saitama smiles. "Not a bad day."
He raises his fist.
Not to punch. But to bump knuckles with the air.
With the strange, broken, hilarious world he lives in.
"Let's go, Genos. Tomorrow is Monday. Which means..."
Genos nods. "Sale on Milk."
"Exactly."
Saitama turns off the lights.
The darkness is not scary.
It's just resting before the next punch.