**Z-Valhalla. The Undercity (Former Ghost Town).**
**Saturday. 9:00 PM.**
The Undercity has become a haven for illicit goods. Divine artifacts, monster parts, and limited edition figurines circulate here in the shadow of the law.
Tonight, a secretive event is taking place at **The Golden Goblet**, a club run by Dionysus (now a lounge singer).
**The Black Market Auction.**
Saitama stands outside. He wears a tuxedo.
Wait. No.
He wears a black t-shirt with a bowtie drawn on it with a marker.
Genos wears a suit tailored to fit his thrusters.
Fubuki wears a stunning evening gown (she insists on being fancy even for crime).
"Are you sure the Legendary Item is here?" Saitama whispers, adjusting his drawn-on tie.
"Positive," King says through an earpiece (he stayed home, safe). "The chat rooms confirm it. Lot #42. The Ultimate Discount Card."
**The Entry.**
The bouncer is **Cerberus** (shrunken to Pitbull size, but still three heads).
The heads growl.
Saitama pulls a dog treat out of his pocket. (Courtesy of Rover).
He feeds the middle head. The other two heads look jealous.
Saitama feeds them too.
Cerberus wags his tail and lets them pass.
**The Auction House.**
Inside, it smells of expensive cigar smoke and divine ambrosia.
Tables are occupied by suspicious characters:
* A Hooded Figure (definitely Loki).
* A Group of S-Class Ninjas (Sonic included).
* A masked Business Man (probably The Landlord).
**The Lots.**
Auctioneer **Hermes** takes the stage. He talks fast. Too fast for mortals, but just right for the supernatural crowd.
"Item 1! The Left Sandal of Achilles! Grants +10 speed but vulnerability to Lego bricks! Do I hear 500 yen?"
Sold to Sonic for 600.
"Item 2! A jar of pure Fighting Spirit (extracted from Metal Bat's sweat)! Good for energy drinks!"
Sold to a bodybuilding monster.
**Lot #42.**
Hermes lowers his voice. The lights dim.
Two guards wheel out a pedestal encased in reinforced glass.
Inside glows a small, golden card.
**The Supermarket VIP Black Card.**
Effect: 90% off all groceries. Stacks with coupons. Grants access to the "Executive Cheese Aisle."
Saitama grips the table. His knuckles turn white.
"The Holy Grail," he breathes. "Genos. Check the budget."
"We have exactly 5,000 yen in the Petty Cash Fund, Master."
"Bidding starts at... 100,000 Gold Pieces!" Hermes announces.
Saitama freezes.
"100,000... gold pieces? Not yen?"
"It is a divine auction, Master. Inflation."
Despair sets in. Saitama slumps.
"It's over. I'll never taste executive cheese."
**The Rival Bidder.**
"1 million Gold," a voice drawls.
A spotlight hits a VIP booth.
**Gilgamesh**. Not the RoR version, nor the Fate version. A new guy. Just a rich collector god from a minor pantheon of wealth. He wears more gold than Mr. T.
"2 million!" shouts **Hades** (investing underworld funds).
"3 million!" shouts **Metal Knight** (via drone).
Saitama watches the numbers climb. Millions. Billions.
It is an amount of money he cannot comprehend. It represents endless udon. Endless cabbage.
And he has... a 5,000 yen note and some pocket lint.
**The Plan.**
"Master," Genos whispers. "Violence is an option."
"No. We're in suits. We have to be classy."
Saitama stands up.
"I bid..."
The room goes silent. All eyes on the Caped Baldy.
Saitama reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a coupon.
Not just any coupon.
The **Limited Edition Buy-One-Get-One-Free Saturday Special** from the udon shop next door.
It expires at midnight (in 2 hours).
"I bid... this coupon," Saitama announces. "And..."
He looks at Fubuki.
"Fubuki will act as your personal stylist for a week."
Fubuki spits out her drink. "EXCUSE ME?!"
Hermes pauses. He looks at Gilgamesh. He looks at the coupon.
Hermes is a god of commerce. He calculates value.
The udon coupon is... actually extremely rare. The shop owner is notoriously stingy.
And Fubuki's fashion sense is undeniably top-tier.
"Objection!" Gilgamesh shouts. "That is bartering! Not currency!"
"Value is subjective!" Hermes declares, banging the gavel.
He looks at the crowd.
Does anyone want free udon and a makeover?
**Hades** raises a hand. "I... I have been meaning to update my wardrobe. Black is getting stale."
**Thor** nods. "And I enjoy noodles."
The bidding war shifts. It is no longer about gold. It is about *services*.
**The Winner.**
Saitama feels confident.
Until the door blasts open.
**"I BID MY COLLECTION!"**
**Garou** stands there. He is carrying a sack.
He dumps it on the stage.
It is filled with **Action Figures**. Limited Edition King Figures. Rare monster statuettes. Signed hero cards.
"I stole these from the Otaku District!" Garou pants. "Market value... Immeasurable!"
King (monitoring from home) screams. "MY FIGURES!"
Hermes inspects a limited edition 'Magical Girl Pretty Sammy' figure.
His eyes sparkle.
"Sold!" Hermes slams the gavel. "To the creepy bandage guy!"
Garou grabs the Black Card.
"Yes! Now I can buy protein powder in bulk! I will become the ultimate monster through nutrition!"
Saitama stares at the empty stage.
He lost.
He lost to a thief with dolls.
**The Consolation.**
Garou runs for the exit.
"Wait!" Saitama calls out.
Garou freezes. "You want to fight? To take it?"
"No," Saitama says. He holds up the Udon coupon.
"We can split the groceries? I have a coupon for noodles."
Garou looks at the card. He looks at Saitama.
The Monster and the Hero.
The Hunger connects them.
"Fine," Garou grunts. "But I get the loyalty points."
**Epilogue.**
An hour later.
Saitama, Genos, Garou, and King sit at the udon shop.
They are eating noodles.
The Black Card sits in the middle of the table, shining like a beacon of hope.
"We share custody," Saitama declares. "Monday through Wednesday, I shop. Thursday through Saturday, you shop."
"Sunday is mine," King adds. "I need snacks for raid night."
"Accepted," Garou slaps the card. "Now pass the soy sauce."
Fubuki sits at the end of the table, fuming.
"I can't believe you tried to trade me."
Saitama slurps his noodle.
"Hey, it was a stylist gig. You're good at bossing people around."
Fubuki sighs. She eats a tempura shrimp.
"Whatever. You're paying."
Saitama grins.
"Actually... *The Card* is paying."