The forest grew darker as they approached the outskirts of the capital.
The trees twisted into shapes that would have been terrifying if Mordecai hadn't seen worse things on a Monday morning commute.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION] [LOCATION ENTERED: SAFE ZONE (Mana Regeneration +50%)] [Tip: Rest now. The plot demands a campfire scene.]
"We stop here," Mordecai announced, dropping his imaginary backpack (which was actually just Larry hiding in the shadows).
"Finally!" Pyra huffed, wiping sweat from her forehead. "A princess needs her beauty sleep! But first... sustenance!"
With a flourish, she pulled an entire portable kitchen set out of her [Dimensional Storage Ring]. Pots, pans, ladles, and spices that smelled suspiciously like gunpowder.
"I shall cook!" Pyra declared, posing with a ladle. "Prepare your commoner taste buds for the royal cuisine of the Crimson Blade!"
"I have a really bad feeling about this." Mordecai said to himself.
Thirty minutes later, the result was ready.
They had caught a wild "Forest Chicken"—a bird that looked like a pigeon on steroids.
Now, it was unrecognizable. In the bowl Mordecai held, a purple substance bubbled ominously. A small skull made of green smoke rose from the broth and screamed silently before popping.
"Go on!" Pyra urged, her eyes shining with anticipation. She wasn't eating. She was watching him. "Tell me how divine it is!"
Mordecai stared at the bowl. [ANALYSIS: LETHAL BIO-WEAPON] [Survival Chance: 0% (Without Perks)]
He activated [Iron Stomach]. He took a spoonful. SLURP.
It tasted like burnt hair, raw mana crystals, and pure regret.
Mordecai swallowed. His stomach churned like a washing machine full of bricks, converting the poison into raw stats.
[SYSTEM: TOXIN ABSORBED] [Constitution +2] [Poison Resistance +5%]
[NEW SKILL UNLOCKED: POISON BOLT]
"It has... texture," Mordecai lied, his face an impenetrable mask of stoicism. "It is definitely cooked."
Pyra gasped. Her hands flew to her mouth. Tears welled up in her eyes. "You... you ate it?" she whispered, her voice trembling. "Everyone else... the guards, the servants... they always passed out after one bite! But you... you appreciate my art!"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION] [SPECIAL BOND INCREASED] [Lady Pyra: Lv 1 -> Lv 2] [Quest Progress: 'Fated Encounter' - 57% Complete]
"Hmph!" She suddenly turned away, wiping her eyes furiously. "D-Don't get used to it! I only cooked for you because I had extra ingredients! It's not like I wanted to feed you or anything! Idiot!"
Mordecai's hand twitched. The urge to summon a shovel and bury himself (or her) was overwhelming. 'If she says Baka one more time, I'm gonna followe the villain route and exterminate all the humanity for real,' he thought.
"By the way," Pyra said, sitting down on a log and looking at the fire. Her tone shifted, becoming surprisingly somber. "You should know who you are traveling with, Kaitoyama. Since you survived my cooking... I suppose I can trust you."
"Wait, I don't think you should tell your story to a stran-" He tried to say, but he couldn't finish the sentence.
She took a deep breath.
"My real name isn't just Lady Pyra. I am Pyroetta Von Serylda. Fourth Princess of the Kingdom of Serylda."
Mordecai raised an eyebrow. "A Princess?"
"Yes," she said bitterly. "Sent away by my father. My mission is to join the Hero Party. To become... the Hero's concubine."
Mordecai choked on his purple soup. 'Concubine. Of course. Because one girlfriend isn't enough for the Chosen One. What an embarrassing cliché.'
But then, a realization hit him. "Wait," Mordecai asked, narrowing his eyes. "You talk as if the Hero Nick and Saintess Lucy are already famous. Have they been here long?"
"Of course!" Pyra looked at him like he was stupid. "They appeared in the Capital three months ago! They have already cleared the Northern Dungeon! Sir Nick is famous for his dazzling smile that blinds monsters, and Saintess Lucy has healed thousands... for a small donation to her church, of course."
Mordecai set his bowl down.
The timeline was rigged. The System had brought Nick and Lucy here months before him. They had a head start. They were already established, loved, and leveled up. And Pyra's description confirmed his worst fears.
*But, How?! We died in the same moment!*
"Nick," Mordecai asked casually. "Is he... gallant?"
"Oh, very!" Pyra sighed dreamily. "He spends hours ensuring his armor is polished to a mirror sheen so he can admire... I mean, so the enemies are intimidated! And he allows the ladies to pay for meals because he believes in equality! He is so modern!"
"And Lucy?" he asked, feeling a sense of disgust.
"A saint! She is always surrounded by poor, wounded men, offering them private blessings! She is so dedicated!"
Mordecai leaned back against a tree. 'Narcissism and manipulation,' he thought, a cold smile touching his lips. 'They haven't changed a bit. They're just playing the same roles on a bigger stage.'
"How fascinating," Mordecai yawned, feigning sudden exhaustion. "But all this excitement has tired me out. Goodnight, Princess."
He didn't even cover his face with anything.
He just lay down and closed his eyes.
"W-Wait!" Pyra stammered. The darkness of the forest seemed to press in on her. "You're sleeping already? Just like that? Don't you want to know my story?!"
She looked around. An owl hooted. She flinched. She scooted a few inches closer to him on the log.
"E-Ehi! Kaitoyama!" she whispered, poking his arm. "I... I see you are trembling! You must be scared of the dark! As a benevolent noble, I... I give you permission to sleep closer to me! For your safety, of course!"
Zzzzzz. Mordecai let out a loud, fake snore.
"Unbelievable!" Pyra huffed, crossing her arms and shivering. "Useless commoner!"
"Relax, we're in a safe zone." Mordecai said.
"Eh? How do you know that?" Pyra asked.
"Trust me. I know this place better than anyone else." He replied, with a lot of confidence in his voice, enough to sound... charming.
Pyra blushed.
"O-Okay." She said, before laying down, not so distant from Mordecai-
*In a normal world, a girl would've never stay alone in a forest with a man, even more a stranger.*
They "slept" for a few hours, and after that the duo started to walk until they reached a massive stone bridge leading to the Capital's outer gates.
Blocking the path was a giant. A Granite Golem, ten feet tall, crackling with magical energy.
"HALT," the Golem boomed. "TO PASS, YOU MUST... YOU MUST... YOU MUST..."
It stopped. Its eyes flickered.
"Another glitch?" Mordecai muttered.
"Step aside, Kaitoyama!" Pyra shouted, drawing her sword. "I shall handle this beast! WATCH ME, NICK! CRIMSON STRIKE!"
She charged. The Golem was the size of a minivan. It was stationary. She swung her sword with all her might. She tripped on a pebble. The sword flew out of her hand, sailed over the Golem's head, and fell into the river below. Splash.
Pyra landed face-first in the dirt.
"..." The Golem looked down at her. "YOU MUST... YOU MUST..."
Mordecai sighed. He walked past the prone princess and approached the monster. He didn't draw a weapon. He activated [Reveal Magic]. He saw the Golem's core. It wasn't corrupted. It was just... overworked. The mana loop was stuck on a refresh cycle.
"Hey, big guy," Mordecai said softly. "System update got you stuck?"
He reached out and placed a hand on the Golem's knee. [SKILL: SHORT CIRCUIT (Soft Reset Mode)]
Hummmm. A gentle pulse of mana cleared the buffer. The Golem's eyes stopped flickering and turned a steady, sad blue.
"SYSTEM RESTORED," the Golem said. Its voice wasn't robotic anymore. It sounded like a middle-aged accountant. "Oh god. Not again. Did I die? Did I respawn?"
"No," Mordecai said. "You just lagged."
The Golem slumped, sitting down on the bridge with a ground-shaking thud. "I can't do this anymore," the Golem groaned. "My name is Luketto. I was crafted to guard this bridge. Do you know how many 'Heroes' have grinded me for XP? I've been blown up, shattered, and melted 4,000 times. I just want to retire."
Pyra, who had picked herself up, stared in shock. "The... the monster is talking? Why isnt't he attacking us?!"
Mordecai saw an opportunity. He needed minions. He needed muscle. And this guy was a tank.
He put a hand on his chest and looked at Luketto with eyes full of fake empathy.
"I understand, Luketto," Mordecai said, his voice dripping with Orange Ninja-style emotional manipulation. "I was like you once. Forced to work in a cycle I didn't choose. Treated like a tool. I know your pain."
[NEW HIDDEN SKILL ACTIVATED: TALK NO JUTSU (Cringe Rank)] [Effect: Converts enemies into allies through sheer melodramatic empathy.]
"You... you do?" Luketto sniffled, a pebble falling from his eye.
"Yes," Mordecai nodded gravely. "But you don't have to fight anymore. Join me. I don't want to destroy you. I want to give you... a purpose."
Luketto burst into tears (which were just sand pouring from his face). "You are the first human to ask me how I feel! Take me with you, Master!"
[NEW MINION ACQUIRED: Luketto (The Depressed Golem)] [Contract Signed.]
Luketto shrank down to the size of a heavily armored action figure and hopped into Mordecai's pocket.
Mordecai turned around. Pyra was staring at him. Her mouth was open. Her face was redder than he had ever seen it.
"You..." she whispered. "You stopped a monster... with kindness? You understood its heart?"
Pyroetta seemed to be touched by what she saw.
She never saw someone actually "speaking" and "understanding" monsters.
[QUEST PROGRESS: Fated Encounter (85%)] [Target Status: CHARMED (Extreme)]
"I have a special gift," Mordecai lied, shrugging. "I can sense the pain in others. Fighting is meaningless if we can understand each other." Mordecais said, in a fake shonen-style melodramatic voice.
He felt a piece of his soul die as he said those words.
"Oh, Kaitoyama!" Pyra squealed, running to catch up as he started walking again. "You are so deep! So complex! But don't think this makes me like you! I just... I appreciate your diplomatic skills! Wait for me!"
"Eh? Did this idiot actually made a real compliment without realizing that she said something that would embarass her if we were in a normal low-budget anime?" Mordecai thought.
"There's nothing special in that, Pyroetta. But... understanding the pain of other people is the first step to become a hero." Mordecai said, clenching his fist and close his eyes.
Mordecai then touched the pocket where the Golem was. 'One tank acquired. One tsundere hook-line-and-sinker. Next stop: The Capital.'
Meanwhile, Pyra's hand were covering her mouth while a blush was all on her face. Moreover, her eyes seemed to be... wet?
She was about to cry. For something so stupid.
"I think... our meeting was... fated..." Pyroetta said, with a passionate voice.
She was rubbing her legs together and her eyes were locked into Mordecai.
"Eh?" the fake necromancer said.
After that, a big, red screen , with a lot of hearts , appeared in front of Mordecai, specifically behind Lady Pyra.
❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎[QUEST COMPLETED: FATED ENCOUNTER!] [REWARD: +6000EXP , +1 LOVE INTEREST] ❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎
Mordecai had literally forgot about that quest.
He stared at the floating text. The hearts were animated. They were pulsing with a sickeningly cute rhythm. It was the most threatening thing he had seen since the truck that killed him.
"Love Interest?" he whispered, his eye twitching violently. "I didn't ask for a romance route. I asked for revenge. Is there a return policy? Can I exchange this reward for mana potions?"
[SYSTEM: NO REFUNDS ON WAIFUS.] [TIP: Romance arcs increase reader retention by 40%. Start acting like a harem protagonist, sweetie.]
"Don't call me sweetie," Mordecai hissed at the air.
Suddenly, the golden window of the Higher Realms slammed open, vibrating with the collective excitement of thousands of unseen voyeurs.
[FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS]
Simp4System: "LET'S GOOOOOO! THE SHIP HAS SAILED! ❤️❤️❤️ Did you see her eyes? She's totally locking him down! Tsundere conquered in 2 chapters! SPEEDRUN STRATS!"
xX_ShadowSlayer_Xx: "LAME. Why did he spare the Golem? Talk No Jutsu is for weak MCs. He should have harvested its core for XP. This turned into a dating sim way too fast. 1/5 stars."
Cultivator_Dao: "Junior, you don't understand! The Golem is obviously a foreshadowing for a tank build! And the Princess provides political cover! The MC is playing 4D Chess! (Also, hand-holding scene when?)"
NTR_Lover69: "Wait until Nick finds out his future concubine is looking at the villain like that. The drama is going to be spicy. 🍿"
Mordecai read the comments. He felt a headache building behind his eyes—a migraine made of pure cringe. He looked down at Pyra. She was humming a happy tune, swinging her arms, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being "shipped" by interdimensional strangers.
"So, Kaitoyama-sama," she chirped with heart-shaped pupils, her voice dripping with adoration. "Where shall we go next? To the ends of the earth? To a romantic dungeon?"
Mordecai looked at his party:
A Tsundere Princess with zero survival instincts.
A depressed Golem in his pocket who needed therapy.
A Skeleton hiding in his shadow who was probably laughing at him since he now had a personality (probably).
He was a Villain. A Necromancer. The King of Death. And yet, he felt like a kindergarten teacher on a field trip from hell.
"We go to the Capital, as we planned." Mordecai groaned, turning his back on her to hide his expression of pure misery. "And please, stay at least three feet away from me. My 'dark aura' is... contagious."
"Oh!" Pyra gasped, clutching her cheeks. "He's protecting me from his own darkness! How noble!"
Mordecai didn't respond. He just started walking, dragging his feet toward the white towers of the Capital looming in the distance.
*I hate this world,' he thought. 'I hate the System. And I absolutely hate xX_ShadowSlayer_Xx.*
He adjusted his clothes, ready to face the city of his enemies.