After leaving the guild and walking, our beloved fake Necromancer realized something.
He didn't know where to go since he even forget to see where the dungeon was.
"So," Mordecai said, stopping in the middle of the crowded street. He looked left. He looked right.
"We need to go to the Slime Dungeon." He said, moving his gaze to Pyroetta.
He paused, waiting for Pyra to lead the way.
She didn't. She just stood there, arms crossed and looking away, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Do you know where it is?" Mordecai asked.
Pyra scoffed, tossing her twin-tails over her shoulder. "Hmph! Why are you asking me? Why don't you go back and ask that harlot at the reception desk? I'm sure she'd love to give you 'private directions' in the back room!"
Mordecai stared at her.
Here we go. The jealousy arc nobody asked for. I really hate this feeling.'
He sighed and rubbed his temples and then tried to remember how low-budget anime usually handled this. 'Usually, the scene just cuts to black, and the characters appear at the dungeon entrance instantly to save animation budget on walking scenes. Come on, universe. Give me a jump cut.'
Pyroetta clearly didn't want to help.
She keept stomping her feet on the ground with a pout on her face and her arms crossed, like she was waiting to hear something from him.
Mordecai closed his eyes and waited, hoping that the System would make a 'Fade to black' transition directly to the dungeon entrance but nothing happened.
The smell of horse manure and unwashed adventurers remained.
He kept staring at the ground, rubbing his chin and cursing every single creator who wrote fantasy.
'Oh, come on, System. I promise you to behave like a true stereotipated villain for an hour.'
Then, a window appeared in front of him, like someone answered to his prayers.
[SYSTEM ALERT!] [Feature Unlocked: QUEST MARKER (Beta Version)] [Description: Because you have zero sense of direction and refuse to ask for help.]
PING.
A translucent compass bar appeared at the top of Mordecai's vision, exactly like in a very famous Fantasy game released in 2011.
A white arrow floated in the air, pointing North-East, with a distance counter: [Slime Dungeon: 2.4 km].
"Convenient," Mordecai muttered.
He turned and started walking North-East without saying a word.
Pyra blinked. She expected him to beg for directions and to ask for forgiveness. Instead, he was marching with the confidence of a man following a GPS.
She scrambled to catch up. "Hey! Wait!" She fell into step beside him. "Where are you going?!"
"To the dungeon." He replied, not slowing his steps.
"Eh?! Don't you have something to say to me?" Pyra asked, nervously.
"No." Mordecai replied.
"EH?! I HATE YOU, CHEATER! SCUMBAG! WOMANIZER!" She said, exclaiming in a very annoying tone.
The mosquito had returned to full force.
[SYSTEM ALERT!] [POSSESSIVE JEALOUSY!]
'Oh , thank you, System. Thank you for thinking I was that dense like a low budget harem anime protagonist who can't even notice his limbs being cut.'
"Why are you following me if you hate me?" He asked.
Pyra's face turned red.
"It... It is purely a coincidence! The dungeon is that way and I am walking at the same pace as you! I just happen to be going in this exact direction! Do not think I am following you because I want to be near you or I want you to apologize for cheating!"
Mordecai didn't look at her. He looked up at the sky.
'Why?' he asked the invisible audience. 'Why is this a popular archetype? She is mentally unstable. She can't communicate basic human emotions without insulting me. What is the appeal? Is it the abuse? Are you all masochists?'
Pyra frowned, looking around. "Who are you talking to?"
"God," Mordecai lied. "I'm asking for patience."
Then, between small talks and Pyra's 'Mosquitoing', they had finally arrived at destination.
'Fun fact, Pyra didn't even asked herself how he knew where to go.'
[LOCATION DISCOVERED: SLIME DUNGEON. DIFFICULTY: MEDIUM]
The entrance was a gaping maw in a rocky hillside. A wooden sign had been nailed across the opening: [WARNING: ENTRANCE SEALED DUE TO EXCESSIVE SPAWN RATES. DO NOT ENTER IF YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU CAN CLEAR THIS DUNGEON!.]
"Perfect," Mordecai said, tearing the sign down. "Excessive spawn means excessive efficiency."
"So, we're going in?" Pyroetta asked, preparing her sword.
Her hand was trembling slightly.
"Yes." Mordecai replied.
"H-Hey, Kaitoyama... are you gonna p-p-protect me if the situation will be dangerous?"
Pyroetta asked in a soft voice, while gripping the edge of her armor (basically a skirt) and rubbing her legs together.
He looked at Pyra. Then he looked at her red, enchanted and surely expensive armor. Then he looked down at his own dirty work pants and the cheap wool cap.
"Let me understand the physics of this request," Mordecai hissed through his gritted teeth, looking like a man on the verge of a psychotic break.
He pointed a shaking finger at her chest. "You are probaably wearing a High-Grade Mithril Alloy breastplate enchanted with Fire Resistance. Its market value is roughly equivalent to the GDP of a small country."
He then pointed at his own chest. "I am wearing Department Store Cotton. My primary defensive stat is 'Hope', and I currently have a literal edgy infection ravaging my entire soul."
Pyra looked stunned.
"So no," Mordecai growled, his voice vibrating with pained logic. "I will not protect you. It's simple mathematics. You are the Tank. I am the squishy DPS. If that 2000 are gonna jump, I am statistically hiding behind you."
He glared at her legs, which were still rubbing together in her attempt to look cute. "And stop vibrating like that. It destroys your center of gravity. If you need to use the restroom, go in the corner or in some place where I won't see you. I won't waste mana cleaning your armor."
Pyra didn't talk. She looked devasted but, suddenly, she looked on the floor.
Her body started trembling and she started mumbling something.
Mordecai was confused.
"Y-You're gonna hide... behind me?" she mumbled, her voice trembling. "That means... you will be pressing your body against my back... using me as your shield... trusting me with your life... so close... so intimate..."
She touched her cheek, which had turned a bloody shade of red. A strange, steamy vapor began to rise from her head. "He wants to use me... he wants to cling to me..."
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION] [STATUS UPDATE: YOUR COMPANION IS AROUSED.] [REASON: DEGRADATION KINK DETECTED.]
'WHAT THE FUCK?' Mordecai screamed internally. 'I just told her I would use her as a meat shield! What is wrong with the women in this world?! Is everyone broken?!'
He backed away slowly, horrified. "You know what? Forget it. Let's just go down. Don't touch me."
He turned and walked fast—very fast—deeper into the cave.
Pyra immediately followed him.
Mordecai could hear that her breathing became... faster.
But he pretended not to care.
They descended into the gloom. The air was damp and smelled like vinegar.
As they descended the spiral staircase carved into the damp rock, the silence was broken only by the occasional distant SPLAT of a slime and the metallic clanking of Pyra's boots.
Suddenly, Mordecai stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at the bare stone wall with a critical, almost offended expression.
"Something doesn't add up," he muttered, lighting a small magical flame on the tip of his finger. (Yes, the system gave him that 'help')
"What?" Pyra asked, immediately dropping into a combat stance, her staff raised. "Traps? A demonic ambush?"
"No. Ecology." Mordecai replied with disgust.
He lowered his hand and gestured at the empty corridor. "Look around you, Pyra. There is no sunlight here, so zero photosynthesis. There are no insects, no running water, no vegetation. This place has been magically sealed for years to keep the monsters inside, correct?"
"Yes," she confirmed, looking confused. "The seal is there to contain the threat!"
"Exactly. So explain something to me," Mordecai continued, starting to gesture nervously like he did when he found a wiring violation. "In all those low-budget animes I used to watch back on Earth, there was always this cliché: the Legendary Boss sealed in a crypt for a thousand years. But my question is: what the hell do they eat?"
Pyra blinked. "Huh?"
Mordecai forgot he was speaking to someone from another world. He thought he was speaking to his old friend Jean.
"Thermodynamics is not an opinion!" Mordecai snapped, his voice echoing in the tunnel. "If you are a three-ton monster, you need a massive caloric intake just to move. If the dungeon is hermetically sealed, what is the food source? The rocks? The stale air? Do they feed on their own boredom?"
Pyra opened her mouth to say "It's magic...", but Mordecai cut her off instantly.
"And the worst part," he pressed on, massaging his throbbing temples, "is the human strategy. If the monsters are trapped in there with no resources... why do people go inside to get killed? Why do we send adventurers in with swords?"
He looked Pyra dead in the eye, his face deadly serious. "You could just wait outside. Lock the door and sit down. Starvation has a 100% mortality rate. It is the cheapest, most efficient weapon in existence. Why does nobody use passive siege tactics?! Why do we have to go inside and feed them with our own bodies?! It's tactical stupidity on a global scale!"
Pyra remained silent for a long moment, trying to process that ruthless logic. "Maybe..." she mumbled weakly, "maybe they eat... ambient mana?"
"If they ate ambient mana," Mordecai retorted dryly, resuming his walk down the stairs, "then we would just need to install a grounding rod and cut their power supply. Either way, this world is poorly designed."
After his last sentence, a random sound caught the attention of our two characters.
SQUELCH.
A [Blue Slime (Lvl 2)] wobbled out.
"Aha!" Pyra screamed. "Finally! A servant of darkness! Stand back, Kaitoyama! I shall incinerate it!"
She took out a staff out of nowhere and put her sword away and then began to chant. Her staff glowed with the intensity of a small sun. "Oh, Flames of the Ancient Abyss! DESTROYING EXPLOSION OF THE CRIMSON PURGATORY!"
BOOM.
A massive torrent of fire erupted. But because she was screaming so loud, she closed her eyes.
The fireball missed the slime by three meters, hitting the ceiling. Rocks fell.
"Did... did I get it?" Pyra wheezed, falling to her knees, drained of mana.
The smoke cleared. The slime was perfectly fine.
"Inefficient," a bored voice said.
Then, Mordecai used his sacred skill.
He formed a pistol with his fingers and said: "Shadow Bolt. Bang".
A bullet of dark energy came out from that and hit the slime.
[SKILL: SHADOW BOLT] POP. The slime imploded.
[DEFEATED [BLUE SLIME, LV. 2] +50 EXP]
Pyra stared at him, her eyes widening. "Shadow Bolt... Tier 3 Dark Magic... How?"
Mordecai froze.
'Tier 3 magic? What? I think that this is the most basic skill someone could ever get.'
But considering that shadow is related to darkness and darkness is obviously related to bad people, only a few 'good' people could use it.
That probably was a skill of Aldmax.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: HIDE YOUR IDENTITY, FOR NOW!]
Mordecai needed a lie. He looked down at her, his now mismatched eyes catching the dim light. "I have many secrets," he whispered, accidentally activating his Edgelord tone. "Buried deep within my heart. Where the light doesn't reach."
[PASSIVE CHARM ACTIVATED] Pyra gasped, blushing. "So mysterious..."
Mordecai recoiled. 'Stop looking at me like that. System, is this what the readers want?! Cheap drama?!'
He then grabbed her collar and hauled her up.
"Let's move. We need to go deeper."
"Yes Daddy~❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎" She replied, while her pupils became hearts, again.
Mordecai wanted to die in that moment.
Then, they kept walking for other 20 minutes, and the more they went deeper, the more the slimes were coming out.
Mordecai had ordered Pyra to not cast any kind of magic.
Instead, all he did was stomping the slimes.
"Remember, Gravity is free." He said.
"So annoying." Pyroetta said, probably wanting some engaging combat.
Ten minutes later, they found it. A small crack in the wall where Slimes were pouring out like water from a broken pipe. It was a spawn point glitch.
"Here," Mordecai said. "This is gonna be our office."
He reached into his pocket. "Luketto. Shift start." The tiny stone figurine hopped out, grew to full size, and stood in front of the crack.
SMASH.
Luketto immidiately destroyed the crack, revealing a hiddent tunnel filled with a lot of slimes.
The big golem then punched the first slime... and everyone who came out.
"Pyra," Mordecai ordered. "You are out of heavy mana.
Use 'Ember'. Just a tiny spark. And use your boots. Gravity is free."
"You want me... a Princess... to stomp on them?"
"Do you want XP or not?" Mordecai asked, mischievously.
Reluctantly, Pyra joined the line.
Slime spawns -> Luketto smashes -> Pyra stomps the remains. It was rhythmic. It was boring. It was... The Assembly Line.
The loot started piling up. "We need collection," Mordecai muttered. "Larry, Come out."
From the shadows of the cave, the skeleton emerged. He was wearing a new utility belt.
"Where did you get that belt?" Mordecai asked, curious.
But Larry didn't reply. He just gave him a thumbs up and immediately started scooping up crystals.
Pyra shrieked, jumping behind Mordecai. "A SKELETON! KAITOYAMA! WHY IS IT HERE?! Skeletons only obey Necromancers! Is there someone dangerous here or..." Pyra stopped, taking some steps back, "...are you... are you a dark mage?!"
Mordecai didn't blink. He had prepared for this. "No," he said calmly. "This skeleton, Larry, isn't a monster. He's... a tragedy."
"A tragedy?" Pyra lowered her staff.
"Yes," Mordecai sighed, looking at Larry with fake sadness. "Back in my old job... I had a colleague. He was a hard worker. Dedicated. He loved his job so much, he refused to go home. He worked himself to the bone. Literally."
Pyra's eyes widened. "You mean..."
"Larry is the spirit of a worker who possessed his own skeleton because he couldn't bear to leave a task unfinished," Mordecai lied, his voice solemn. "He follows me because I'm the only one who gives him Overtime and trust. He's not evil, Pyra. He's just... committed to the grind."
Larry paused, looked at Pyra, and gave a sad, bony wave before going back to organizing the loot by color.
Tears welled up in Pyra's eyes. "Oh, Larry..." she sniffled. "To work even after death... such loyalty! Such dedication! I judged you too harshly!" She stepped forward and patted the confused skeleton on the skull. "Work hard, Mr. Spirit! I shall support your eternal shift!"
Mordecai sat down on a rock, opening his newspaper. 'Unbelievable,' he thought. 'She bought it. She actually bought the 'Unpaid Corporate Ghost' story.'
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION] [Target 'Pyra' considers Larry a role model for work ethic.] [XP GAIN RATE: OPTIMAL.]
"Keep going," Mordecai ordered, turning the page. "Lunch break is in four hours."
Ten minutes later, the "Farm" was running. Slime spawns -> Luketto smashes -> Pyra stomps (gravity is free). Larry (the "Corporate Ghost") was collecting loot.
While Pyra was distracted praising Larry's work ethic, Mordecai stepped into the shadows.
He wasn't just watching. He was hungry, and as a unique entity, he could eat anything.
He spotted a [Green Slime Jelly] on thefloor. He picked it up and swallowed it whole. Gulp. [System: You ate Acidic Slime Waste.] [Resistance Gained: Acid +1%] [Taste Review: Like lime jelly mixed with battery acid.]
"Needs more texture," Mordecai muttered.
He looked deeper into the trash pile of the dungeon.
He saw something metallic glinting in the dirt. It was a [Rusty Spoon]. Old, bent, and covered in suspicious orange rust.
"Iron," Mordecai whispered. "Essential for a growing Necromancer."
He picked up the spoon. He didn't clean it. He didn't hesitate. CRUNCH. He bit the metal. CRUNCH. GULP.
[SYSTEM ALERT] [YOU ATE A BIOHAZARD.] [Analyzing Component: RUST (Fe2O3) + ANCIENT BACTERIA.]
[NEW SKILL UNLOCKED: TETANUS BOLT (Poison/Disease)]
Description: Fires a jagged projectile of rusty mana. Causes the target to suffer from immediate infection and Lockjaw status.
[WARNING: SIDE EFFECT TRIGGERED] [DEBUFF APPLIED: LOCKJAW (Self)]
Description: Your jaw muscles have contracted due to ingesting literal tetanus. You cannot open your mouth more than 2mm for the next 10 minutes.
Mordecai tried to open his mouth to complain. "Mmph... Nngh!" His jaw was clamped shut tight. He gritted his teeth so hard a vein popped on his forehead.
Pyra turned around, wiping sweat from her brow. "Kaitoyama! Look! We have collected 50 crystals! Are you proud of our progress?"
Mordecai turned to her. His jaw was clenched.
His teeth were grinding audibly. His eyes were wide and intense because he was in physical pain from the muscle spasm.
To Pyra, he didn't look like a guy who just ate a dirty spoon. He looked like a man seething with intense, suppressed rage.
"Oh!" Pyra gasped, shrinking back. "Why... why are you looking at me with such intensity? Are you... angry at the world? Are you holding back a scream of torment?"
"Nnnngh," Mordecai replied through his teeth. (Translation: I need a doctor.)
"So cool..." Pyra whispered, misunderstanding completely. "He carries his pain in silence! He grits his teeth to bear the burden of leadership!"
[SYSTEM: +10 Affection (Misunderstanding)]
Mordecai mentally screamed. 'I just have tetanus! Somebody give me a vaccine!'
[FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS]
Skyrim_Addict: "THE HUD! 'Feature unlocked because you refuse to ask for help.' I feel attacked. Also, Mordecai realizing anime usually cuts to the destination is so meta."
Hygiene_Inspector: "DID HE JUST EAT A RUSTY SPOON?! 🤢 'Tetanus Bolt' is the most disrespectful skill I've ever heard of. Imagine dying because a wizard gave you an infection."
Edgelord_Fan: "Pyra thinking his lockjaw is 'suppressed rage' is peak comedy. The man needs a dentist, not a tragic backstory."
Lore_Master: "'Explosion of the Crimson Purgatory'. Zero damage. High mana cost. Pyra is literally Megumin but worse. I love her."
dibbs57: We're expecting the princess to fall into slime and her clothes sticking to her like fanservice in manga! Also, why hasn't the klutz princess tripped and been caught by our favourite necromancer when she was falling for him? The clichés and my buddy NTRlover6967 demand it!
'Oh please. I don't want to deal with a naked tsundere. I just got tetanus.'
[RESPONSE TO DIBBS57]
Mordecai: 'Listen closely, because my jaw is currently locked shut and I can't repeat myself.'
The Slime: This is acidic dungeon sludge, not lubrication gel. If her clothes 'stick' to her, it means they are dissolving. That is not fanservice, that is a third-degree chemical burn. I am not paying for those medical bills.
The Catch: She is wearing High-Grade Mithril Plate Armor. She weighs roughly 85kg in gear. If she trips and I try to catch her in a 'romantic dip', my spine will snap like a dry twig. Physics does not care about your romance tropes.
NTRlover6967: Tell your friend that the only thing being 'cheated' right now is my immune system.