"Something is wrong with me," Pyra whispered, staring at her hands as they walked away from the Palace. Her voice was devoid of its usual tsundere fire; she sounded genuinely terrified.
"I spent my entire life worshipping the legend of the Hero who always defeated the demonic Aldmax to save our world... I even accepted my fate as a concubine, hoping that one day I would've had the chance to stand by him. I knew what my role was. I was ready to give my body and soul for the world's salvation!" She looked up at Mordecai, her eyes trembling. "But the moment he spoke... the moment he used his Holy Voice... I didn't feel devotion. I felt... like I wanted to vomit on his shiny boots. It's unnatural. It's like my heart is rebelling against reality itself."
'Isn't this the same thing when people meet their idols and realize how much of a shitty person they are in real life and start hating them?' The necromancer thought.
Mordecai adjusted his cap, hiding a smirk. 'It's not rebellion. It's a bug fix,' he thought. 'My presence is probably corrupting the game files. The more time she spends with me, the more the Main Character Script loses its grip on her. I'm not just an anomaly; I'm a walking jailbreak software.'
"Maybe you just grew up," Mordecai lied smoothly. "Or maybe you finally realized that 'saving the world' shouldn't involve selling bath water. Now come on. If we want to survive Nick's incompetence, we need to make it official."
They stood before a massive building: The Adventurer's Guild, and it had one of the most generic names you could ever see anywhere.
[THE SILVER DRAGON'S GOLDEN DAWN]
After reading its name, Mordecai felt his stomach twirling.
Mordecai stared at the sign. His left eye twitched. "The Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn," he read aloud, his voice dripping with venom. "They really just threw every cool fantasy word into a blender, didn't they? Silver and Gold clashing in the same title? It's aesthetically offensive. Why not call it 'The Destiny Fate of the Crystal Sword Legend' and be done with it?"
"It sounds... majestic!" Pyra tried to argue, though she looked unsure. "It implies... wealth! And... shiny things!"
"It implies a lack of creativity," Mordecai corrected. "Let's go. I can already smell the clichés from here."
'I have a bad feeling about what I'm gonna see.'
"This is the greatest Adventurer's Guild in this city! Only the strongest are here!" Pyra exclaimed, crossing her arms.
She acted like she was expecting some sort of "Thank you".
Mordecai didn't care at all.
All he said was "Let's be fast." before going in.
Pyra sighed.
As soon as they pushed the doors open, the smell of cheap ale and testosterone hit them. But what hit Mordecai harder was the sight of the "Adventurers".
At the center table, a party was arguing. There was a guy in a green tracksuit who looked dead inside was talking about plans to kill useless goblins and insulting one of his comrades, a useless blue-haired priestess crying over spilled wine, a small girl obsessively polishing a staff and mumbling something about explosions while looking at the guy with heart shaped eyes, and a blonde crusader who seemed to be enjoying getting insulted.
'Oh god please no, I don't want to deal with those people, I perfectly know who they are.' Mordecai thought, grimacing. 'Are you serious, System? Are we just copy-pasting now? I died by suicide, but I don't wanna die from cringe now.'
[SYSTEM REPLY: THIS WAS NEEDED FOR THE PLOT]
Suddenly, the doors slammed open and everyone's attention moved towards a man in full dirty armor and a cheap helmet who walked in. He didn't look at anyone. He walked straight to the counter.
"Dragons," the armored man rasped. "I only kill Dragons."
"Uhm, sir," the receptionist stuttered, "we have a Goblin emergency in the sewers..." "I don't care about goblins," the man growled. "Only Dragons. Big ones. They killed my family, so they must die."
A random waitress swooned nearby. "Oh my god... he's so mysterious! I bet he's handsome under that helmet!"
Mordecai rubbed his temples. 'System, I guess that originality is dead.'
Then, in the dark corner, sat a boy with white hair, an eye patch, a prosthetic arm, and a gun, surrounded by a vampire loli and a bunny girl. That man was looking at a map with only an X on it.
He was emanating so much "Edgy Energy" that the table was literally rotting. 'That betrayed guy who randomly ate monsters and turned his hair white too?!' Mordecai wanted to scream. 'This isn't a world. It's a fanfiction written by an AI that was fed the top 10 Crunchyroll hits and told to 'make it cool'.'
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION. QUEST AVAIABLE: FIRST MISSION. FORM A PARTY AND CLEAR THE SLIME DUNGEON. REWARD: 4000 EXP AND 2 EDGY SKILLS]
He sighed. "Okay, let's get this over with. I don't want to look at the other members."
Pyra moved to the bulletin board to look at some quests and kept mumbling "Slimes... Dungeon... Slimes..."
Meanwhile, Mordecai approached the main counter. The Guild Girl was there.
Mordecai took a better look at her and he noticed that she was the textbook definition of "NPC Receptionist": cute uniform, fake smile, brown hair and eyes that scanned for gold pouches instead of faces.
"Welcome to the Guild!" she chirped. "Registration is 5 silver coins. Party formation is 10 silver coins. Would you like to buy our premium insurance for an extra 50?"
Mordecai froze. He had zero money since Nobody had paid him, not even the system.
Moreover, Pyra's accounts were frozen.
He was broke.
"I..." Mordecai started, "I don't have liquid currency at the moment. Can we defer payment until the first quest completion?"
The Guild Girl's smile instantly vanished. Her eyes went cold. "No gold, no party. Next!" She turned away to flirt with a handsome, rich-looking Paladin.
Mordecai gritted his teeth. 'Seriously? Am I going to be stopped by bureaucracy and capitalism?'
[SYSTEM ALERT]
[Obstacle Detected: Gold Digger NPC.]
[Standard Charm failed. Target is immune to generic charisma due to greed.]
[Calculating Solution...]
[NEW SKILL UNLOCKED: EDGELORD RIZZ (Rank F)] [Description: Allows the user to accidentally reveal their "Hidden Darkness" in a way that bypasses logic and triggers the "I can fix him/He is dangerous" attraction flag.]
'Oh, f**k off,' Mordecai swore telepathically at the blue window. 'I am not doing that.'
[SYSTEM: Do it or remain broke and partyless forever.]
Mordecai sighed. He had no choice. He leaned against the counter. He waited for the Guild Girl to glance back at him. Then, he "accidentally" let his elbow slip.
The motion knocked his flat cap off his head. It fell in slow motion. Mordecai's messy black hair tumbled down, framing his face.
He looked up, his now mismatched eyes (one violet, one blue) catching the light. He didn't look annoyed; the Skill forced his expression into one of Tragic, Haunted Longing and deep sadness.
He reached for the cap, but stopped halfway, his hand trembling slightly (totally fake).
"Forgive me," Mordecai whispered, his voice dropping an octave into a raspy, dangerous tone. "The shadows... they get heavy sometimes. I forget that in this world, everything has a price. Even a soul."
[EFFECT APPLIED: CRINGE DARKNESS] [TARGET STATUS: CRITICAL HIT!!!!!]
The Guild Girl stopped counting coins. Her quill dropped. She looked at this broke electrician and saw a Tortured Prince of Darkness.
Her pupils dilated. Her face flushed pink. 'He... he has no money because he carries the weight of the world!' she rationalized, completely ignoring logic. 'He's so... damaged! I need him!'
But the worst part was that Pyra looked at the entire scene.
"U-Uhm!" she squeaked, sliding a form across the counter. "You know what? We have a... special promotion today! The 'Shadow Discount'! It's free! Just... just sign here! And maybe... tell me your tragic backstory later, okay~?"
Mordecai snatched the form, put his hat back on, and signed "Party Name: The Logic".
"Thanks," he said, his voice back to normal. "I'll take the Slime Dungeon quest. We're leaving."
"Oh... but that dungeon is really dang- Hey"" She tried to say, but she couldn't finish her sentence.
Mordecai immediately grabbed Pyra and walked away fast before the effect wore off.
As they walked toward the exit, Pyra was shaking.
CRACK.
The stone floor under her boots splintered into a spiderweb of fractures. A red aura of pure heat was radiating from her twin-tails.
"That woman..." Pyra hissed through gritted teeth. "Why did she look at you like that? Why did you use your... your 'charm' on her?! Was I not enough!?!?"
Mordecai glanced at the broken floor. "It was a tactical negotiation. Why? Are you jealous?"
Oh.
Mordecai said the worst thing you could say to a Tsundere.
Her red twintails began to spin like the propellers of a helicopter.
"JEALOUS?!" Pyra shrieked, her face turning atomic red. "Me?! Jealous of a common receptionist?! Don't be absurd! I am a Princess! I simply... I simply find it improper for a servant to go around seducing staff members! You don't owe me any explanations! None at all!"
STOMP.
Another flagstone turned to dust under her heel. "But if you do it again, I will burn this building down! PURELY FOR DIPLOMATIC REASONS!"
"Understood," Mordecai said, opening the door. "Now, let's go. We have work to do."
Of course, everyone was too involved in their own story to notice that the ground was trembling and breaking.
"At least, tell me where we're going! I don't want to go to the sewers! They're disgusting!" Pyra said, crossing her arms.
"We're going to the Slime dungeon. Now let's go." He replied.
[FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS]
Copyright_Strike: "WAIT. Green tracksuit? Useless blue goddess? And a guy who hates dragons instead of goblins? The author is literally 2 seconds away from a lawsuit. 💀 This isn't a Guild, it's a parody convention."
Cringe_Connoisseur: "I physically folded in half when he said 'The shadows get heavy sometimes.' EDGELORD RIZZ IS REAL. The fact that it actually worked on the receptionist proves this world is broken. Rank F? More like Rank SSS."
Tsundere_Hunter: "'Helicopter Twintails.' I am dying. Pyra threatening to burn down the building 'purely for diplomatic reasons' is peak waifu material. She is down bad."
LilBroJay: "The system admitting 'THIS WAS NEEDED FOR THE PLOT' killed me. Also, the inverted Goblin Slayer seeking only Dragons is hilarious. Finally, a MC who weaponizes cringe to save money."
Red_Pill_Alchemist: "The receptionist saw a broke guy with messy hair and immediately thought 'I can fix him.' Realistic. 10/10 social engineering."
NTR_Lover69: OH BOY! NICK IS REALLY GETTING CUCKED! Oh, sorry, I mean "Cooked."
'Ah yeah. You're having fun, right? I'm gonna ruin everything now.' Mordecai thought, while finally leaving the guild and heading towards the dungeon.