Mordecai stood on the cliff edge, the wind blowing through his hair.
The echoes of his maniacal laughter faded into the valley below.
Silence returned.
He blinked. He replayed the last thirty seconds in his head: "I'm going to make sure the ending is different this time! Humiliation! Bwahahaha!"
He slowly covered his face with his hands.
"Oh my god," Mordecai groaned into his palms, his voice muffled. "I sound like a teenager who just discovered nihilism. 'Total Humiliation'? Really? I just monologue-d at a JPEG of a dragon. The System is getting to me. It's trying to force me into the 'Edgy Villain' role so the audience gets their cheap entertainment."
He took a deep breath, smoothing his expression back to a mask of bored indifference.
"Basically, I was gonna start the same-classic revenge plot of some low budget anime... Not good." He added, pinching his nose.
"No more monologues. If I'm going to ruin their lives, I need to be professional about it. I'm not a cartoon character. I'm a contractor with a grudge."
He looked down at his tattered black necromancer robes.
They screamed 'Bad Guy'.
If he walked into a town wearing this, the guards would shoot him before he could say 'Hello'.
"System," Mordecai muttered. "I need camouflage. If I'm going to infiltrate this world, I can't look like I sleep in a coffin. Give me something... functional."
[REQUEST ACKNOWLEDGED] [ITEM GENERATED: 'Honest Worker's Garb' (Common)] [SKILL UNLOCKED: 'Totally Hide Status' (Rank: Royal)]
Effect: Completely masks your Class, Level, and Stats. You appear as a Level 1 NPC to everyone, including high-level Appraisers.
Cost: 0 Mana. Always Active-Toggle.
Mordecai stared at the skill window. "Royal Rank magic? Just handed to me?" He looked at Larry. "Plot Armor. This is too easy. It's suspicious."
Larry, standing awkwardly beside him, looked at his master.
Slowly, with the grinding sound of calcium on calcium, he raised his hand and gave a Thumbs Up.
Mordecai froze.
He hadn't ordered that.
He stared at the skeleton. The empty sockets seemed to hold a flicker of... understanding?
"Larry," Mordecai narrowed his eyes. "Did you just... express an opinion?"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION] [MINION BOND INCREASED]
[Due to your skyrocketing Intelligence (52), your mana is refining your summons' cognitive functions.]
[LARRY HAS LEVELED UP! (Lv. 1 -> Lv. 2)] [New Trait: Rudimentary Soul (He tries his best).]
"Great," Mordecai sighed. "My skeleton has a soul. Now I have to worry about his mental health too."
Two more notifications popped up.
[SKILL UNLOCKED: Recall Minion]
Store your undead in a pocket dimension. Saves on travel costs.
[SKILL UNLOCKED: Reveal Magic (Edgy Insight)]
Origin: Born from your cynical existence and newfound purpose.
Effect: You can see the magical circuits, stats, and skill levels of targets.
Bonus: Highlights 'Plot Armor' and 'Inefficiency' in red.
"Useful," Mordecai admitted. "Okay, Larry. Get in the void."
He snapped his fingers.
Larry dissolved into shadow and vanished. Mordecai then picked up the bundle of clothes.
He stripped off the black robes and pulled on the new gear.
It consisted of heavy canvas trousers with reinforced knees, a thick beige shirt, and a leather belt with loops for tools.
It didn't look like a medieval peasant outfit. It looked eerily like the work clothes he used to wear to fix electrical systems on construction sites back on Earth.
"Much better," he said, patting the pockets. "Now I just look like the useless guy who's gonna get randomly killed or asaved."
He walked down the winding path toward the forest.
"I guess this is the only way to the big city I saw in the distance," He said, walking without any single tip from the system or guide.
He had watched too many anime where people in the beginning always walk trough the forest.
Ten minutes later, the peaceful chirping of birds was interrupted by a sound that made his teeth ache.
"BURNING INFERNO OF THE CRIMSON PURGATORY!"
BOOM.
A massive explosion rocked the trees ahead.
Smoke billowed into the sky.
Mordecai stopped.
"What the hell-" He said, before hearing another BOOM.
"I have a very bad sensation about this, but I feel like I have to see what his happening." Mordecai said, while walking towards the source of the sound, which came from his right.
A notification flashed in his peripheral vision, turning a sickly green color.
He rounded the corner and saw it. A clearing. Scorched earth. In the center stood a girl. Red twin-tails.
Frilly armor that offered zero protection.
She was striking a pose that defied spinal anatomy. [TARGET: Lady Pyra]
In that exact moment, Mordecai started to feel a big sense of embarassment mixed with discomfort.
"Oh no... You can't be serious," He said with , while covering his eyes.
[STATUS EFFECT APPLIED: CLICHÉ NAUSEA (Rank S)]
Cause: Witnessing a lethal concentration of bad anime tropes.
Symptoms: Migraine, cynical judging, urge to change the channel.
"WHAT?! SYSTEM?! IS THIS A JOKE?" He thought.
He was just witnessing it: The Useless character only made to piss off people.
She was standing there, trembling and panting, like she was fighting the hardest boss of her life.
In front of [Lady Pyra] trembling in a crater, was a Green Slime (Level 1).
The slime wasn't attacking.
It was just vibrating, probably wondering why the sun was screaming at it.
"Die, you gelatinous filth!" Pyra shrieked. "Why won't you perish?! NOBLE SWORD STYLE: LIGHT OF JUSTICE!"
She swung her sword.
She missed.
She missed a stationary target.
The blade hit a rock three feet to the left.
Then she started crying. "Waaah! Why is this sword so heavy?! Why isn't the slime dying?! Stupid sword! Stupid nature!"
Mordecai watched from the bushes.
His eye twitched.
He analyzed her behavior with [Reveal Magic], and what he saw made him want to vomit.
"Unbelievable," he whispered, horrified. "It's a Chimera."
He counted the traits on his fingers:
The Explosion Fetish: She used Tier 4 magic on a Tier 1 enemy.
The Blind Crusader: She couldn't hit a barn door with a sword.
The Useless Goddess: She was whining and crying despite being overpowered.
Her stats were a complete mess: Most of her points were only on strenght. Not a single point of Intelligence.
"She is the Unholy Trinity," Mordecai hissed, realizing exactly which 'Comedy Isekai' she was referencing. "She is a mix of the three most annoying party members in history. I hated that show. I dropped it after episode three because the cringe was physically painful."
Pyra charged up another fireball. "TAKE THIS! EXPLOSION!"
"Oh god, absolutely not. I'm out." He said, but a notification appeared in front of him.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION!] [MANDATORY QUEST AVAILABLE: FATED ENCOUNTER.] [REWARD: 1000 EXP - 1 FRIEND]
Mordecai clenched his fists in anger.
He had no choice.
Another invisible wall blocked his way.
"I fucking hate this show." He said , with a defeated tone of voice.
"AAAAAAAH!" That was it.
The sound of the final attack, where the character takes 3 business day to "channel his energy" while the enemy in front of him does absolutely nothing.
Mordecai had a bad feeling about this.
She was probably gonna destroy all the forest, that's why he had to intervene.
Moreover, the embarassment in heart was too much to bear.
"Hey!" Mordecai shouted, unable to take it anymore. He stepped out from the trees.
Pyra spun around, fire swirling in her hands. "Who goes there?! Are you an ally of this fearsome beast?!"
"It's a slime," Mordecai said, his voice dripping with fatigue. "It has three hit points. You are creating a forest fire. Do you have a permit for that open flame?"
"I am Lady Pyra of the Crimson Blade! I don't need permits! I need victory!" She said, crossing her arms.
Mordecai walked past her.
He felt physically ill being this close to such a potent source of inefficiency.
He looked at the Slime.
[Target: Slime] [Soul Potential: Compatible with Inventory]
He didn't cast a spell.
He didn't draw a weapon.
He stepped on the slime.
SQUELCH.
[TARGET ELIMINATED] [LOOT: 1x Slime Soul (Added to Necromancer Collection)]
The slime vanished, sucked into Mordecai's inventory.
He wiped his boot on the grass.
"Done," he said. "Now stop screaming. You're scaring the wildlife and lowering the collective IQ of this forest."
He turned to leave immediately.
He needed to get away before the 'Cliché Nausea' made him pass out.
"Y-You..." Pyra stammered, her face turning red from embarassment and a glimpse of anger. "You stole my kill! You rude, arrogant commoner!"
Mordecai kept walking. "Write a complaint to the city council. I don't care."
"Wait!" Pyra yelled, stomping her foot. "I needed that experience! I have to get stronger!"
Mordecai didn't stop.
"Go train for yourself, I'm just a commoner." He said.
"I have to be strong enough to join the Hero Party!" she screamed at his back. "Sir Nick and Saintess Lucy are recruiting for the subjugation of Aldmax! I won't let them down!"
Mordecai stopped. His boot hovered inches above the dirt. The wind blew through the trees.
Nick. Lucy.
The names acted like a command code.
Mordecai slowly lowered his foot.
He turned around.
The nausea faded, replaced by cold, calculating clarity.
He looked at Pyra.
With [Reveal Magic], he didn't see a person.
He saw a walking disaster.
He saw a girl so incompetent she was practically a weapon of mass destruction if pointed in the wrong direction.
And she wanted to join their party.
That was the perfect start to humiliate them.
A plan formed in his mind.
A plan so diabolical it made the Devil look like an amateur.
"Did you say..." Mordecai asked, his voice smooth as silk, "...that you want to join Hero Nick's party?"
"Y-Yes!" Pyra huffed, wiping her eyes and crossing her arms. "What of it? A commoner like you wouldn't understand the glory—"
"On the contrary," Mordecai interrupted, walking back towards her. He activated his [Deception] (or rather, his corporate customer service persona).
"I am... a consultant. A specialized trainer."
He extended a hand, smiling the kind of smile a shark gives before biting a surfer.
"My name is... Kaitoyama."
"And if you want to impress Nick and Lucy," Mordecai lied through his teeth, "then you are in luck. Because I can make you the most powerful mage this kingdom has ever seen."
'And then,' he thought, 'I will use you as a Trojan Horse to walk right into their party and ruin their journey from the inside out.'
Pyra looked at him, confused but intrigued. "You? A trainer?"
"The best," Mordecai lied. "I'm just a retired one."
Pyra looked at him, confused but intrigued.
Her Tsundere brain was struggling to process a competent man offering help without demanding a duel first.
"You? A trainer? Hmph. You look like a common laborer, but you killed that slime so easily," She crossed her arms, blushing slightly. "So... if you insist, I suppose I could allow you to assist me. Don't get the wrong idea! I'm only doing this for Sir Nick!"
"So, do you accept my offer...?" Kaito asked, his voice normal but mischievous.
Pyra stared at his extended hand, then lifted her gaze to his face.
For a split second, the sunlight hit Mordecai at the perfect angle. His blue eyes glowed with that specific, brooding intensity that only a tragic backstory (or artificially inflated stats) could produce.
[NEW PASSIVE TRIGGERED: CHARISMA (27)] [EFFECT: 'Dark & Mysterious Allure']
Pyra's brain short-circuited.
Her face flushed a deep, violent shade of crimson, matching her hair.
She adjusted her twin-tails nervously, looking away, then back at him, then away again.
"H-Hmph!" she stammered, crossing her arms to hide the fact that her heart was suddenly beating faster. "Well... since you begged me so pitifully... and since you did defeat that fearsome slime with such a... unique technique..."
She tentatively reached out. Her gloved hand trembled slightly as she grasped his.
"I suppose I can employ you! But don't get the wrong idea, okay?!" she shouted, squeezing his hand aggressively while refusing to make eye contact. "I'm not doing this because I think you're c-cool or anything! Or because you have nice eyes! I just need a meat shield! You should be grateful a noble like me is even touching a commoner!"
She shook his hand frantically, steam practically rising from her head.
"So... I accept your offer, Kaitoyama! You better be useful, got it?!"
Every single sound that came out from her mouth sounded like the the buzzing of a mosquito.
"I hate her already." He said to himself.
[FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS (THE READERS)] The Audience has noticed the introduction of a female character! Engagement is skyrocketing!
Cultivator_Lover99: "FINALLY! THE WAIFU IS HERE! Red twin-tails? A fiery Tsundere noble? Yes! My cultivation base just broke through to the next realm just looking at her! 😍🔥"
Simp4System: "She's so cute when she's committing felony arson! MC, forget the revenge plot, start the harem route immediately! BARK BARK WOOF AWOOOO!"
AnimeExpert_00: "A classic 'Ojou-sama' archetype combined with the explosive incompetence trope. It's a bold cocktail of clichés. The 'training arc' is clearly a setup for the accidental hand-holding scene. Excellent pacing."
xX_ShadowSlayer_Xx: "Ugh. Why is he helping her? She's annoying trash tier. He should have just let the slime eat her and taken her loot. Sigma grindset ruined by forced romance. 1/5."
Mordecai read the comments over Pyra's shoulder.
The nausea returned, stronger than ever.
He looked at the girl—a walking disaster of inefficiency—and then at the comments praising her existence just because she had red hair and a bad attitude.
'They deserve each other,' Mordecai thought, his hatred for the "Higher Realms" cementing into bedrock.
He released Pyra's hand.
"Let's go," Mordecai said flatly. "In return, I'd just like for you to guide me into the Capital City."
Pyra nodded and they started walking.
...