INT. PADDY'S PUB — DAY
Paddy's has been "converted" into a dojo via tape and delusion. A taped-off square reads: BREATH ZONE. Another reads: STRIKE ZONE. A third reads: LIABILITY ZONE.
Mac has drawn a "BREATH CADENCE CHART" that is mostly arrows, stick figures, and the word FOCUS written like a threat.
Dennis holds a clipboard like a surgeon. Dee has her phone mounted on a beer tap. Frank has a hand-lettered menu board: BASIC BREATHING / ADVANCED BREATHING / PREMIUM BREATHING.
DENNIS
Alright. Before anyone "maximizes oxygen," you sign the waiver.
MAC
It's not a waiver. It's an oath.
DENNIS
It's a waiver with vibes.
CHARLIE (squinting)
I can't read this.
MAC
You don't need to read it. You need to FEEL it.
CHARLIE
Okay, I'm feeling… confused.
MAC
No, you're feeling… Beast Breathing.
CHARLIE
I'm doing beast?!
MAC
You're doing beast.
Charlie tries to match Mac's cadence.
CHARLIE (wheezing heavily)
HUUH—HAAH—HUH—
I'm doing it! I'm doing warrior breathing!
DENNIS
You're doing asthma.
Front door opens. THE WAITRESS enters, visibly stressed, clutching a coffee like it's an anchor.
WAITRESS
Why is your bar… taped off like a crime scene?
DEE (instantly)
Oh my God. She's here. Great.
This is perfect. The audience loves a "reluctant participant."
WAITRESS
I'm not participating in anything. I'm just—
(beat)
…Is this "breathwork"?
MAC(softening, sincere in his dumb way)
It's ancient warrior respiration. It can reduce anxiety, increase performance, and elevate your spirit.
WAITRESS
…I'm trying to stop spiraling.
And every app says "breathe."
So.
Dennis perks up like a shark hearing a splash.
DENNIS
Great! Awesome! Then you are our ideal customer.
Welcome to…
(checks clipboard)
…Paddy's Total Concentration Experience.
WAITRESS
That sounds fake.
DENNIS
Everything is fake. This is curated.
Charlie sees an opening. His posture changes: "romance mode," which is just panic with optimism.
CHARLIE
Hey! I can breathe good. I can breathe, like, normal and cool.
WAITRESS
You once passed out eating a hoagie.
CHARLIE
That was love!
Dee sticks the camera in the Waitress's face immediately.
DEE
Okay, quick question:
Do you feel like your life is falling apart?
Because that plays.
WAITRESS
Get that out of my face.
DEE (grinning)
She's so authentic.
Phone buzz. Dee checks it, eyes widening.
DEE
Oh my God. We already have comments.
"Is this a cult?"
"Try box breathing."
"Is that place condemned?"
This is huge.
And on cue: ARTEMIS enters like she smelled desperation.
ARTEMIS
I heard "breath."
And I heard "falling apart."
So I came.
MAC(frowning)
Ew.
Artemis scans the taped-off zones like she's shopping.
ARTEMIS
I'll be running the real session in the women's room.
That's where release happens.
WAITRESS
No.
ARTEMIS
Yes.
Artemis sashays toward the bathroom. Dee's jaw drops: threatened AND fascinated.
DEE
Oh, hell no. That is MY audience.
FRANK(to Dennis, tapping his board)
So when do we push premium?
DENNIS
Stop saying premium like it's a sacrament.
FRANK
It IS a sacrament. It's the money sacrament.
Mac claps his hands like a cult leader who thinks he's a coach.
MAC
Alright! We begin with: IN—HOLD—OUT.
Nobody panics. Nobody quits. Nobody says the A-word.
Charlie nods too hard. Determined.
CHARLIE
I'm gonna be such a good son today.
Dennis squints.
DENNIS
Why did you say that like a threat...?
SMASH TO BLACK.