INT. PADDY'S PUB — CONTINUOUS
They're mid-awkward silence. The chirp continues.
CHIRP.
Then—
CRASH! (from the back)
The Gang WHIPS around.
DENNIS
What the hell was that.
The bathroom door CREAKS open.
CRICKETsteps out—pale, sweaty, disoriented—like he's been living in the walls. He squints at the dojo tape, the candle, the customers.
CRICKET
Hey guys.
A frozen half-second as their brains connect "creepy sound" to "Cricket exists."
Then the Gang ERUPTS.
DEE
AAAAAHHH— GET OUT!
DENNIS
GET OUT OF HERE YOU FILTHY LITTLE CURSE-MAN!
MAC
WHY ARE YOU IN OUR BATHROOM?!
YOU'RE NOT CLEAN ENOUGH FOR OUR BATHROOM!
FRANK
YOU OWE ME MONEY!
AND ALSO YOU'RE BAD FOR BUSINESS!
CHARLIE
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!
Cricket holds up his hands, terrified and offended.
CRICKET
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
I WAS JUST— I WAS IN THERE—
I HEARD BREATHING!
I THOUGHT IT WAS A CHURCH THING!
BONNIE(delighted)
It was a church thing!
DEE
MA'AM, YOU'RE IN A SEX CULT!
ARTEMIS(popping out, serene)
It's a circle.
And it's inclusive.
Cricket stares at Artemis. Horrified recognition.
CRICKET
No. No no no.
I know that vibe.
That is a bad vibe.
Dennis points at the door like an exorcist with a Yelp badge.
DENNIS
OUT.
OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT.
Cricket stumbles backward, flinching at all of them.
CRICKET
You people are insane!
This place feels like a graveyard!
He bolts.
Door SLAMS.
Silence returns.
The chirp continues.
CHIRP.
Dee slowly turns back to the group, eyes wide.
DEE
Okay.
No.
We're calling a professional.
MAC
An exorcist.
DENNIS
A building inspector.
FRANK
A guy who can make the chirp stop.
CHARLIE
A priest.
Or a Japanese guy.
Or— I don't know— a ghost lawyer.
They stare at each other.
SMASH TO BLACK.
CUT TO:Dee's phone. A clean, cheerful website:
"SPIRIT CONSULTATION — FAST, AFFORDABLE, 5-STAR REVIEWS."
A smiling headshot that screams "scam" in a comforting way.
DEE
Hi, yes— our bar is haunted and also we're doing breathwork.
FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS.