EXT. SOUTH PHILLY STREETS - CONTINUOUS
Cricket is power-walking against the wind, hunching his shoulders to protect the package. He turns a corner, slipping on a patch of black ice, and slides directly into CARMEN and NICK.
Nick is wearing a puffy coat that looks stolen. Carmen looks concerned, holding a thermos.
CARMEN (steadying him)
Cricket? Jesus, slow down. You're gonna kill yourself.
CRICKET (breathless, eyes wild)
Carmen! Nick! Look! I found it! I found the Golden Ticket!
He opens his coat. The baby is sleeping soundly. Nick recoils as if Cricket just revealed a bomb.
NICK(stepping back)
Whoa, buddy. Put that back. Whatever scam you're running, we are at capacity.
CARMEN(gasping)
Oh my god, Cricket, is that a real baby? Where did you get that?
CRICKET
The trash! It's a miracle baby! I'm gonna return it and get a reward. Cash! Gold! Antibiotics! Come on, help me out. We can split it three ways.
CARMEN(softening, reaching out to touch the blanket)
Oh, look at him... he's freezing. We have to help him. Nick, we can't leave him with Cricket. He'll... accidentally trade him for batteries.
Nick sighs, aggressively pointing a thumb at the baby carrier strapped to his own chest, where their own child is sleeping.
NICK (shaking his head)
Babe, look at the inventory. We got one on the rack already. You can't double dip until the first one is at least a toddler. It's basic economics. Supply and demand, baby. The market crashes if we flood the house with infants.
CARMEN
Nick! It's Christmas!
NICK (shrugging)
Hey, you go if you want. Do some Christmas good. I gotta go meet a guy behind the Wawa about a soft pretzel franchise opportunity.
Nick walks off into the snow, checking his pager. Carmen sighs, unwinding her scarf and wrapping it around Cricket's bundle.
CARMEN
Fine. I'm in. But we can't walk. It's five below zero.
EXT. ROADSIDE - MOMENTS LATER
A massive, roaring machine idles by the curb. It's a street sweeper, lights flashing amber. TREY is leaning against it, wearing a neon orange vest over a hoodie, aggressively spearing trash with a pointed stick.
TREY (nodding)
Yo! Cricket!
CRICKET
Trey! What are you doing?
TREY
Community service, man. Judge said it was either this or jail for that thing with the underage alcohol distribution at the water park slide. But yo, check this out.
Trey drops the stick and jingles a set of heavy keys.
TREY
I snagged the keys to the sweeper. The city guy fell asleep in the cab.
CARMEN
Trey, can that thing hold three people and a baby?
TREY (smiling wide)
It's Christmas, yo. Anything is possible. Plus, it's got a heater.
CUT TO: INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
The bar is dim and depressing. A single string of Christmas lights is duct-taped to the bar; half are burnt out, the other half are blinking erratically.
Frank is standing on a crate, sniffing the air like a bloodhound.
FRANK(sniffing)
I feel it.
DENNIS (sipping a beer)
Feel what, Frank? The impending sense of loneliness that comes with the holidays? Because I assure you, I have choked that feeling down years ago. I am a vessel of pure winter joy.
FRANK
No. I feel... an opportunity. A scam. I feel like there's something valuable in the trash that I'm missing out on. It smells like... profit.
DEE (slumped on a stool)
Oh, god, don't start with the trash again. I'm not diving this year, Frank. I got a new coat. It's faux-mink.
CHARLIE (staring blankly at the TV)
Forget it, Frank. We're doing tradition. We're watching A Christmas Story on loop until we pass out from the glue fumes coming from the basement.
MAC
It's a classic, Frank. It's about a kid who wants a weapon to protect his family. I relate to it on a spiritual level.
FRANK (grumbling, stepping down)
I'm tellin' ya. Something's happening in the streets. And I'm not getting my cut.
CUT TO BLACK.