**Valhalla. Hall of Tactics (Now a Warehouse).**
**Saturday. 2:00 PM.**
Brunhilde stands before a massive holographic map of the Z-Valhalla sector.
She wears her ceremonial armor. Her eyes are bloodshot. Her posture is that of a general facing extinction.
"Report!" she barks.
Hrist, the second Valkyrie (in her shaky, angry personality mode), steps forward. She holds a scanner.
"Sector 4 is compromised! The Ninja Delivery Service is beating our times by 4 minutes! They are using... *parkour*!"
"Unacceptable," Brunhilde hisses. She taps the map. "We have winged horses. We have divine guidance. How are we losing to a man in a purple scarf?"
**The Addiction.**
Behind Brunhilde, the "War Table" is piled high with cardboard boxes.
**Contents:**
* 300 gallons of weapon polish.
* "Live, Laugh, Love" neon signs (in Rune script).
* A jacuzzi for Thor's hammer.
* Limited edition cat ears for moody swordsmen (Sasaki refused them).
"Sister," Göll squeaks, buried under bubble wrap. "You bought another Sword Sharpener? We don't fight anymore!"
"We must maintain readiness!" Brunhilde yells, swiping her credit card through a magical reader. "And it was 60% off! Do you understand value, Göll?!"
Brunhilde turns back to the screen.
"We need money to fund the logistics. The Valkyries are no longer choosers of the slain. We are choosers of the Lane. Launch the fleet!"
**The Deployment.**
The silo doors open.
Twelve Valkyries on pegasuses launch into the sky.
Instead of spears, they carry packages.
"For the Customer!" they scream. "Review or Die!"
***
**Z-City. Streets.**
Speed-o'-Sound Sonic dashes across the rooftops.
He wears a delivery uniform over his ninja suit. It says **NINJA DASH**.
He carries a Bento box.
*Swish. Swish. Swish.*
"Hah!" Sonic laughs, jumping over a billboard. "Fools! Speed is money! I have delivered 400 soups in one hour!"
He looks up.
A Valkyrie (Thrud) dives from the clouds, holding a package.
She is huge. Her horse is huge.
"Out of the way, pajamas!" Thrud roars.
"Tch. Slow!" Sonic creates an afterimage.
They race side-by-side down Main Street.
Pedestrians cheer. "Go Ninja!" "Go Horse Lady!"
It is a fierce battle of logistics.
***
**Saitama's Apartment.**
Saitama stares at his phone.
He refreshes the tracking app.
*Refresh.*
**Status: Out for Delivery.**
*Refresh.*
**Status: 3 Stops Away.**
Saitama's leg bounces nervously.
"Genos."
"Yes, Master?" Genos is currently polishing Satan's horns (part of his new chore list).
"The tracking dot hasn't moved in four minutes. Did the driver get lost? Did he stop for lunch? Doesn't he know I'm waiting?"
"The traffic patterns in Sector 9 are chaotic due to the merged Bifrost intersection," Genos analyzes. "Delays are probable."
Saitama stands up. He paces.
"It's a very important package, Genos."
"Is it weapons? Armor?" Satan asks, interested.
"No. It's a specialized *Scalp Polishing Kit*. Guaranteed to increase shine by 40%. If I don't sign for it, they take it back to the depot. And the depot is in Hellheim."
**The Incident.**
On the street below, the Valkyrie Thrud lands.
She checks the label.
"Saitama. Unit 202. This is it."
She steps off her horse.
Suddenly.
A blur of grey fur and kinetic energy slams into the Valkyrie.
*WHAM.*
Thrud goes flying into a parked car. "Guh! My rating!"
Standing over the dropped package is a monster.
It looks like a cheetah fused with a kleptomaniac. It wears a mask and carries a large sack marked *LOOT*.
**The Porch Pirate King.** (Threat Level: Dragon).
Born from the collective rage of stolen packages.
**"MINE,"** the monster hisses. It vibrates at Mach 20. **"ALL PRIME IS MINE."**
It grabs Saitama's box.
It grabs Sonic's Bento box (Sonic had just arrived).
It grabs a pizza from a passing moped.
"Hey!" Sonic draws his sword. "That's premium sushi!"
The Porch Pirate laughs. **"YOINK."**
It accelerates.
It moves so fast it breaks the visual spectrum. It creates a vacuum tunnel of stolen goods, sucking up mailboxes as it runs.
"My stats!" Sonic falls to his knees. "Failed delivery... the shame!"
**The Notification.**
Upstairs.
Saitama's phone buzzes.
**Status: DELIVERY EXCEPTION.**
**Reason: Stolen by Monster.**
The phone cracks in Saitama's hand.
Glass dust sprinkles onto the floor.
"Stolen?"
Saitama whispers the word.
Satan stops polishing his horns. He feels a chill. The same chill he felt when he ruled the darkest pit.
"The vibe..." Satan whispers. "...has shifted."
Saitama walks to the balcony.
He sees the trail of dust.
He sees the crying Valkyrie.
He sees the despairing Sonic.
"He took the polish."
Saitama grips the railing. The metal twists like taffy.
"He took the shine."
Saitama disappears.
He doesn't jump. He simply ceases to be in location A and exists in location B.
***
**The Highway.**
The Porch Pirate King runs. He is jubilant.
**"I AM THE FASTEST! I AM THE GOD OF THEFT! NONE CAN CATCH THE PIRATE!"**
He is running at lightspeed. Time is dilated. The world is a blur of colors.
He checks his loot sack.
"Let's see what we got. Sushi. Armor. Scalp wax? Weird."
He looks to his left.
Someone is running next to him.
It is a bald man in a yellow suit.
The man isn't running with technique. He is running like someone trying to catch a bus. Flailing slightly. Wearing Crocs (sport mode engaged).
The Porch Pirate's eyes bulge.
**"HOW?"**
Saitama looks at the monster.
"Hey. Pull over."
**"NEVER!"** The monster activates *Overdrive*. It accelerates to faster-than-light speed. Reality bends.
It leaves Saitama in the dust.
**"HAHA! EAT MY DUST!"**
The monster looks forward.
Saitama is standing in front of him.
Waiting.
Checking his imaginary watch.
**"YOU CHEATED!"** the monster screams.
"Give it back," Saitama says.
The monster realizes it cannot outrun him.
So it fights.
It swings the loot sack like a flail. A weapon filled with stolen dumbbells and bowling balls.
**Move: Surprise Fee Strike.**
Saitama catches the sack.
He puts one hand into the bag. Rummaging.
"Excuse me. Just looking for my label."
**"LET GO!"** The monster pulls.
"Found it."
Saitama pulls out a small cardboard box.
He releases the sack.
The monster stumbles back.
**"You... you just took one? You spare me?"**
"I'm not the police," Saitama says, inspecting the box for dents. "I'm a customer."
The monster grins. "FOOL! Then I keep the rest!"
It turns to run.
*Click.*
The sound of a sword unsheathing.
A black wind cuts the air.
**Atomic Samurai** (working part-time as store security) and **Poseidon** (holding a trident) step out from behind a billboard.
"Theft," Poseidon says coldly, "is impure."
**Atomic Slash.**
**Divine Trident Thrust.**
The Porch Pirate is diced into cubes.
The loot sack explodes, raining packages safely back to their owners via air-cushion magic.
**The Aftermath.**
Saitama walks back to his apartment complex.
Thrud the Valkyrie is waiting by the entrance, nursing a bruise.
She sees him holding the package.
"Sir!" She stands at attention. "I failed the delivery! Please... punish me! Give me one star!"
Saitama looks at her.
"Did you scan it as 'delivered'?"
"Y-yes."
"Then we're good."
Saitama turns to leave.
"But tell your boss to stop buying useless stuff. It's cluttering the astral plane."
***
**Valhalla Warehouse.**
Brunhilde looks at her screen.
**Review from 'CapedBaldy': 5 Stars. "Package arrived. Driver fought a cheetah. Good effort."**
Brunhilde pumps her fist.
"Yes! Top rating!"
"Sister," Göll interrupts. "We are bankrupt. You spent the profit on a Golden Treadmill."
Brunhilde freezes.
"Is it non-refundable?"
**Z-City.**
Saitama sits in his bathroom.
He applies the "Divine Scalp Polish."
He buffs his head with a cloth.
He looks in the mirror.
*SHING.*
His head gleams with the brightness of a thousand suns. It reflects the light bulb so perfectly it creates a laser beam that burns a hole in the shower curtain.
Saitama stares.
"Too shiny," he whispers. "I look like a lightbulb."
"Genos!" Saitama yells. "Get the matte powder! I blinded myself!"