Thirty minutes later.
The damp corridor echoed with the sounds of a battle that was less "Epic Fantasy" and more "Benny Hill Skit."
"Bang!" Mordecai shouted, pointing his finger.
SPLAT.
A bolt of darkness obliterated the first rat.
The second rat lunged immediately.
Mordecai pointed his finger again, confident and deadly. "Bang!"
Nothing happened.
No violet light.
No explosion.
Just a grown man pointing a finger at a charging rodent.
[SYSTEM ALERT] [SKILL ON COOLDOWN: Shadow Bolt] [Time Remaining: 14 seconds...]
"Well, I could shoot this twice this time. I wonder why... but it's still no-sense... Fuck!" Mordecai shrieked, scrambling backward as the rat snapped at his boots. "Who designed this class?! Let me talk with the Author!"
He grabbed Larry by the ribcage and shoved the skeleton between himself and the beast.
"Tank it, Larry! Tank it with your face while I reload my finger!"
Larry rattled in protest as the rat began gnawing on his shinbone.
Mordecai watched the timer floating in his vision, tapping his foot impatiently while his minion was being consumed.
"3... 2... 1... Reloaded!"
"Bang!" CRUNCH.
It took ten agonizing minutes of running in circles, kicking rats, and using Larry as a living shield to finish the fight.
Finally, the last rat dissolved into pixels.
Mordecai stood amidst the carnage, chest heaving, wiping sweat (and possibly bone dust) from his forehead.
A familiar, aggressive blue window popped up, blocking his view of the rodent carnage.
[COMBAT RESOLVED] [Experience Gained: 250 XP] [LEVEL UP! (Level 2 -> Level 3)] [UNASSIGNED STAT POINTS DETECTED: 5] [Please distribute points to optimize your build. The 'Helpful Fairy Guide' is on standby if you hesitate for more than ten seconds.]
"Don't you threaten me with the fairy again," Mordecai grumbled, tapping the screen with a grime-stained finger. "I don't need a tutorial. I'm an electrician. I know how to manage loads and safety protocols."
He glared at his current stats, doing quick mental calculations.
"Vitality is at 10. That's unacceptable. I'm basically a walking OSHA violation waiting to happen. One good hit and my breaker trips permanently."
He dumped two points into Vitality, feeling a very slight reduction in the ache in his knees.
"And Intelligence... that governs my Mana pool, right? My 'battery capacity'." He eyed the remaining three points. "A fifteen-second cooldown is bad enough; running out of juice mid-fight would be embarrassing."
He dumped the remaining three points into Intelligence.
DING.
[STATS UPDATED]
Vitality: 10 -> 12 (Slightly sturdier cardboard)
Intelligence: 14 -> 17 (Increased brooding capacity)
The window vanished. Mordecai didn't feel suddenly godlike. He just felt like he'd finished filling out paperwork at the DMV.
He then looked at the five glowing loot piles shimmering over the corpses.
He straightened his robe, trying to regain some dignity. A manic grin spread across his face. He looked at the ceiling, challenging the gods of RNG.
"I've suffered," Mordecai announced to the empty dungeon. "I've kited rats for half an hour. I've used a skeleton as a chew toy. According to the laws of gaming probability, the 'Pity System' must kick in now."
He rubbed his hands together.
"If I loot these five rats, surely I will find a Legendary Item. It's simple math. The universe owes me a sword. Or at least a pair of pants that don't look like cosplay."
He approached the loot with the confidence of a man about to win the lottery.
"Come to papa."
He touched the first window.
[LOOT ACQUIRED]
A list of items scrolled down. Mordecai read them. He blinked. He read them again.
5x Mutated Rat Tail
Rarity: Junk (Common)
Description: Grey. Slimy. Pulsing with warts. Smells like sulfur and disappointment.
Normal Utility: None. Absolutely none.
Can be used as Crafting material.
1x Shirt Button (Rusted)
Rarity: Trash (Common)
Description: A metal button. Who lost it? Why did a rat have it? Don't ask.
1x Coupon for a Brazilian Wax
Rarity: Ancient Relic (Useless)
Description: A promotional voucher for 'Divine Aesthetics' in the Royal Capital, probably owned by a rich person.
Expiration Date: October 14, 1492 A.D.
Mordecai stared at the holographic coupon floating in the damp air.
The faint blue light illuminated his perfect, aristocratic features, currently twisted in a mask of pure, baffled rage.
"A coupon... for a Brazilian wax," he said slowly. "From 1492."
The silence in the crypt was heavy.
Larry, who was currently trying to reattach his foot (which had been gnawed off again), stopped moving to watch the explosion.
"I asked for a Legendary Item," Mordecai whispered, his voice trembling. "And you gave me... expired grooming services."
He looked at the ceiling.
"System, answer me. Are you drunk? Is the developer high? This is the laziest RNG I have ever seen. You are literally generating random trash from a database of useless items!"
[SYSTEM RESPONSE] [Clarification: Realism is a priority. Rats are hoarders. They collect shiny trash. This is immersive storytelling.]
"IMMERSIVE?!" Mordecai roared, his voice booming like thunder. "A rat carrying a coupon for groin hair removal—expired five hundred years ago—is immersive?! Did the rat have a date? Was he planning a beach trip before I blew his head off?!"
He kicked the air in frustration.
Suddenly, the adrenaline faded, replaced by that deep, spiritual hunger from earlier.
He looked down at the pile of loot.
Specifically at the [Mutated Rat Tail].
It was repulsive.
It dripped a neon-green fluid.
And yet, looking at it triggered a memory. A vivid, unwelcome flashback to Jean ranting in the breakroom.
"Bro, you don't get it! You should watch this new Isekai Anime! The weak MC gets betrayed and eats monster meat in order to survive, his hair turns white from the stress, and he becomes this super-OP gun god with a harem made of a loli vampire and a rabbit girl with big tits!"
Mordecai looked at the rat tail.
Then he looked at his hand, the one with the pathetic 15-second cooldown.
"Guns... check," he muttered. "Dungeon... check. Desperation... check."
He scrambled over to a puddle of stagnant water and frantically checked his reflection.
His hair was black.
Beautifully, stubbornly black.
"I wonder if my hair will turn to white if I start eating these rats parts..." he whispered, mocking the trope. "That's the line, right? If I eat this filth, do I get the anime makeover and infinite ammo?"
He grabbed the rat tail. It felt cold and rubbery.
"I refuse to become a cliché," he hissed. "But..."
He looked at the wax coupon again. The sheer stupidity of the "Realism" excuse broke something inside him.
"You know what? Screw your realism," Mordecai snarled at the System window. "I'm sick of your rules. I'm sick of 15-second cooldowns. If this world is written this badly, then I'm going to treat every object like I'm a toddler with a death wish."
He shoved the entire, slimy, pixelated tail into his mouth.
CHOMP.
It tasted like battery acid, sulfur, and regret.
Mordecai gagged, tears streaming from his violet eyes.
He swallowed purely out of spite.
The world stopped. The blue System windows turned red and flickered violently.
[CRITICAL SYSTEM ERROR!] [⚠️ WARNING ⚠️] [User has ingested item classified as "INEDIBLE".] [ATTEMPTING EMERGENCY COMPENSATION...]
Mordecai fell to his knees, clutching his stomach. It burned like fire.
-
-
-
-
"FUCK!" He managed to say, while covering his mouth.
He was about to vomit, until something strange happened.
The System suddenly turned green and a new message appeared.
[PATCH APPLIED SUCCESSFULLY] [NEW TRAIT ACQUIRED: Iron Stomach (Legendary / Cursed)]
Effect: You can eat anything that isn't "food" to gain random permanent stats.
Immediate Bonus: +50 to Hidden Stat [Shame Resistance].
Bonus Effect: [Iron Stomach] suppresses all flavor receptors when consuming [Non-Edible] matter.
Mordecai gasped for air. He checked his reflection. Still black hair.
"Shame... Resistance?" he wheezed. "Is this my special power? Eating trash to become less embarrassable? It's... it's beautiful."
Before he could celebrate, a gigantic golden window slammed into existence.
[FEEDBACK FROM THE HIGHER REALMS (THE READERS)]
xX_ShadowSlayer_Xx: "Cooldown on the finger gun is too long. Trash build. Rating: 2/5"
Cultivator_Lover99: "Why isn't he stronger yet? I know he's gonna become OP, lmao. Also, waiting for the first waifu to show up."
GenericUser#442: "He jinxed himself with the legendary item line. Rookie mistake. Dropped."
Akkira98: "Shouldn't a necromancer have more... powers? Bro this is getting ridicoulous, wtf. You don't even know what kind of spells a necromancer have."
Mordecai read the words. His knuckles turned white. His violet eyes began to glow with genuine hatred.
"You..." he hissed, looking directly "into the camera."
"You little, ungrateful voyeurs. I am here, trapped in a crypt, waiting 15 seconds to shoot a finger gun, eating raw tails, and you complain about my build?"
He grabbed Larry's skull and held it up.
"You want stats? I'll give them to you. I will eat every rock in this dungeon. I will consume the architecture itself until I can climb out of this screen and slap you one by one."
He leaned closer to the window, grinning like a shark.
"And you, Cultivator_Lover99... if I meet a 'waifu', I'm feeding her to Larry. Consider it a promise."
[System detects a spike in "Engagement" (Rage).]
Mordecai growled, tucked Larry's skull back under his arm, popped the Rusted Shirt Button into his mouth (CRUNCH), and marched into the darkness.
"We have a comments section to disappoint, Larry. Try to keep up." He said. "I just hope to die soon enough."