You spring awake, eyes darting across the room as if looking for something. It's bright as the sun shines through precariously upon your room. Your room reeks of a nose curdling, barn house smell, but you don't notice because of how used to it you are. As if someone attached an anvil to your head you rotate it to the door, making your way and inevitably leaving your quiet space.
The sun shines through empty halls and echoed whispers can be heard from televisions and music. You make your way to the kitchen where you're greeted by your mother.
You two begin to chat as you begin making breakfast
"How are you dear?" she asks.
You respond in a groggy voice "I'm good, just tired and my head's been stinging a little."
Your mother begins to say "Well make sure to eat and drink tons of water, if you're going to leave the house make sure to stay safe it seems like it'll be dark soon, i love you".
And as you make your way to the door toast in hand, you say something "i love you mom, ill see you later"
As you pace yourself walking along the road eating your crispy toast you make your way to a familiar place on the ocean side. A humble rocky abode.
As you take a seat upon a once abandoned throne a smell begins to creep its way around, filling the entire area with a vulgar nose curdling pungent aroma. But the origins of the aroma comes from you, the fog of smoke covers your face and dissipates into the haze of the sea. And as the waves crash you begin to sing to your long lost lover and when you get just high enough and sing just long enough, like the abyss that you stare into so shall it view into you. A beautiful angelic voice can be heard among the waves as if it were floating along, crashing, turning and pouring more and more beautiful melodies that play at your heart strings.
And simply being able to listen to this symphony was enough. But how long would that last?
as the waves crash, she speaks telling you of how much you used to shine, telling you of how amazing you were, before all of this happened, before your dad died, before you began taking drugs, before you were imperfect.
And you proclaimed "if I changed, if I did everything right and if I was the man that you dreamed of me being at least once, could I see you at least once?"
The waves crash but there is no answer.
But once again you shout "if I were to give it all up, please i just want to see you, to hold your hand, kiss your neck and be with the only woman that i have ever loved, please. My heart may belong to another in time but it will always yearn for your song. Would you give me that right? That honour to be at your side? It's the only thing that I pray for anymore".
But there was no response, no melody, only the silence that followed.
All that's left is you and the sea but was there ever anything more?
As you make your way home, you can barely lift your feet, you're tired, tired of being without her. She made you feel something, something you hadn't felt in so long, that warmth that enveloped you, that song that taught you how to be better. If there was even a sliver of a chance that you could see her. That you could heal in her presence, you would take it. You reach into your pocket taking a glass pipe and smashing it into the ground and just like before you drag your feet slowly, making your way back home.
You return to your home absent minded, you head upstairs to rest. Opening your door to your room you make your way to your bed falling onto it. And as you begin to get comfortable in bed you slowly drift off into a world of your creation.
You fall asleep and open your eyes to see your room, the same as usual your curtains flow gracefully and a bright light shines through the shades. And as you lay there staring at the window you can hear her voice calling you enticing you to be at her side.
Her voice is so sweet, so sultry, and so very relaxing you lift your arm feeling the warmth of the sunlight grow as you reach closer only to wake up. The sunlight shines as precariously as usual and there is a silence that not even the scratching of a mouse dares ruin.
But the moment only lasts so long as the birds break the silence with a chirp. The world stands still for nobody so should you sit still in bed for the world to change. You spring up and make your way downstairs greeting your mother sweetly "good morning mom how are you."
She replies "im alright just tired from work, my nails are getting longer though, have you seen the clippers?"
You respond "yeah, they're in my drawer ill get them for you".
You rush up the stairs, swing open your door and pull the drawer of your desk to see the nail clippers, a few miscellaneous items and a small pouch, you already know what it contains. But you dare not touch it.
Running downstairs you see your mother bringing her the nail clippers and make your way to the front door.
As you are about to leave your mother yells "love you, bye"
And of course you respond the same
As you begin walking down the road you begin to think why your family always says i love you before they leave. There's many reasons why but at the end of the day your reason is clear to you, it's because nobody should leave a conversation without knowing that they are loved and that it's best to say it in case you don't end up seeing them again.
You make your way to the same old ruins you call paradise and you lay along the rockbed humming a tune and listening to the sound of the waves.
But your thoughts won't leave you alone, you keep thinking about how much better the moment would be if you could smoke, you think about how much more relaxed you would be, you think since its not a priority i can just smoke again, but since i said i wouldn't then i wont as long as i can see her today. But as time goes on and as you sing for her hoping that her voice would echo back, you find that the only sound is that of the sea and that of passerby.
It's lonely, but as long as you don't smoke you can still see her, if only just once. It's dark out you've been singing all day and throughout the night but still there's no song that greets you.
Returning home you trudge along returning to your bed but when you look to your side you see your drawer, as if it were highlighted. Standing up you walk over to the drawer, opening it you see the bag.
Your mother begins to smell something pungent from downstairs and already knows what you're doing, she returns to her own business and pays you no mind.
All you can think about is how long it's been since you've smoked, since you've heard her voice, since you've felt alive like when she sang for you.
A tear begins to roll down your cheek as you lay there, knowing that you couldn't fulfill your promise to your one true love.
Holding your hand out you drop a bag into the trash can and begin making your way to the door.
Removing yourself from the premises you continue down the path you've walked for days, for months, years even, walking to the same opera of her song. It's been so long since I've heard her voice, my beautiful addiction.
And yet there's nothing, no matter how long you wait no matter how much you sing for her there's nothing.
An onslaught of misery washes over you, anger from the fact that you feel led on, worry for what would you be without her grace, and depression knowing that you never got to see her.
You rush home in a blur running as if the world could catch you if you made even one mistake. Swinging open the front door and closing it promptly, ignoring your surroundings, ignoring your feelings, ignoring any proper judgement you could find in your heart.
A feeling began to rise in your chest like you've never felt before, it hurts so bad, it's uncomfortable and it feels like it has been laid bare before the world to see the misfortune that has befallen your soul.
Your bedroom door remains open as you lay on your stomach on your bed idly reminiscing about everything she's told you. When will I see her return?
You throw yourself onto your back staring at the ceiling, your chest is burning, cramping almost. And a piercing pain is shot through your heart, your head hurts, it's foggy and you can't think straight as a soaring headache develops encapsulating your every thought besides one, her.
But there's something that you know can make the pain go away, there's something that you know can make you feel better, it may not be her but how can a love that was never fully realized be better than a love who's been there for you, right?
You sit up and move to a bin next to your desk, rummaging through it you find something that can take all of your pain away. And as you sit there staring blankly at something that could take your attention like she did you can feel yourself reaching for a bag in the trash bin.
As smoke fills your lungs you feel a sense of euphoria rush over you, your eyes grow increasingly red as you take one puff after another, masking your feelings so that you won't have to experience them. But how long will you hide from the pain that was meant to help you grow.
You knew, you knew what you had done, and as you got up moving yourself to a door across from yours you opened it to see a mirror. And looking into it you realize how far you have fallen and how long you have run, all you see in the mirror is a coward of a once proud man. To be gifted with the face of your father and to disgrace it so. You know that even if you had met her, you wouldn't have been able to look her in the eyes.
How long would you smoke to dream of her, how long would you trap yourself in a cage just so that you might be able to see her just once.
Or would you say just one more time like always. Always just once more, just one more try, just one more.
Your eyelids feel heavy as you lift one weighted leg after another to your bed.
Passing out as soon as you fall. Just as always, never being comprehensive enough to watch as you fall from grace.
Days went by, nights were the worst. Because you needed her to do even the simple things, it hurt to be alive without her. Time may heal old wounds, people say, but in reality all that's left are scars that, if done right, can become a beautiful garden that grew from the soil.
You pass out, unbecoming of the once proud man you were, you lay in your pillow infested mattress drifting solemnly thinking about your life passing you by, like sand the more you tried to hold it together the more the cracks and crevices would show. So why try at all?
You don't dream that night, it's peaceful once again and yet so lonely. The only thing you can see when you close your eyes now is the darkness that was there from the beginning.
You can smell the dust in the air, how long has it been since you last opened your window? The blinds are draped shut and your room is hidden from the sun, hidden from everything that could see your exposed heart.
Your room has a comforting tint of blue filling every corner and crevice. You watch as the blue light slowly fades away leaving you alone with your thoughts. You decide to stand up, moving towards the window you open it to feel a cool welcoming breeze, the drapes sway slowly in the wind and you find yourself lost in thought.
You head downstairs to see your mother making breakfast. She overhears you coming downstairs and says "good morning sweetheart."
You reply "good morning" in a monotone voice
Your mother notices this and questions your tone "are you okay honey?"
You respond raising your pitch slightly so as to sound happier "im okay, just stressed i guess"
Your mother replies "with what?"
"Well there's this girl I really liked but, I didn't get her name and I really wish that I could see her, but I can't find her anymore" you respond.
In a softer tone your mother says "well, sometimes it doesn't work out and sometimes we don't always get what we want, however when you set your sights on the tree you forget the forest"
"And that means what? That im supposed to just go find another" you sigh
"No, but im sure youll understand in time" she replies
Noticing you staring down at the table as she turns around to plate the food she says "why dont you go down to the shoreline, I know that's what always made you feel better".
You stand up and make your way to the door while saying "actually, thats a good idea, I love you ill see you later"
She responds in kind as you walk through the door.
As per usual your shoes crunch the gravel beneath your sole, it's bright out. Looking around you finally notice the stores, markets, restaurants and homes lining the path. Trees guide you and streetlights assist them.
People walking by unaffected by your presence, dogs being walked on leashes and shops hustling and bustling as per usual.
The road guides you as intended and you find yourself face to face with the sea once again. Boats cruise by, seagulls fly overhead scouring for their next meal, and the shore washes up to you sizzling away as it approaches.
You begin making your way down the shoreline. Up ahead you notice a hill of rocks waiting for you. It's a place with nothing to offer but a seat and a view. And yet it's one of your favorites, a place of solitude, refreshing yet still as if everything stayed stagnant when you were there.
And for the first time in a long time, you walk past the castle leaving behind an empire built of stone and moss.
It's the first time in a long time, since you crossed the boundaries that you made for yourself. Its the first time in a long time that you've thought to yourself "why, why does nothing change?"
But little do you know that everything changes all the time. The sand blows in the wind, the water carries new discoveries to the curious. And you grow, and change from the man you were the day before.
You pace yourself once again, walking along the shore. Feeling the mist of the waves sprits your face. Hearing the thundering crash of your surroundings. Smelling the salt in the mist as it fills your lungs and begins forming in your saliva. And finally, the view. An overgrown castle disappearing after each step, a pier standing proudly among the ensnaring sea as businesses line its walkway.
As you approach the structure you begin to realize the scale of this pier as it stretches into a misty fog, blocking any further details. The end of the pier hangs hazily in your memory. times when you were a child fishing and casting nets into the water, only to catch nothing. Time spent so sweetly with your family, with your father. Your steps line the sand creating a path to you as it vanishes with each wave.
You make your way to the pier's entrance and an archway invites you in as it reads, "welcome, to the place of beginnings".
You remember this sign when it was used as the first pier restaurants sign. The restaurant was beautiful, it was at least before the wooden interior caught fire. Burning everything and everyone who couldn't make it out. And now remnants of the fire remain etched forever as a memory filled with pain and regret for all who changed that day.
But no matter how long you haunt yourself of the past, nothing will change it, not even your guilt. A feeling of remorse washes over you as claw at your own skin. You continue walking down the pier noticing the joy washing over the faces of many as they happily walk along the wooden flooring. You make your way to the halfway point of the pier, still unable to see the end you lean along the side railing. The railing is made of wood and steel, sturdy and aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Looking out into the distance fog continues to roll through as it begins to cover the town in a hazy mist. Looking down you see the ocean as it crashes into the pillars of wood that have been dug deep into the earth sea life covering them, trying to survive, trying to do the only thing they know how to.
You continue down the pier, itching from the inside. Feeling as though it might have been too much for you, feeling as though you went far enough.
You begin to turn around as someone begins to emerge from the fog heavily covering the end of the pier. It's a familiar face, one that you haven't seen in years.
Her name was Lily, she had smooth, milky, white skin. Her hair sat perfectly on her shoulders as it glistened even in the fog, it was like silk and as white as the snow covering your cold, cold heart.
She approached you, eyes lighting up as a smile grew on her face. As she made her way closer, you couldn't even look her in the eyes, ashamed at who you became over the years of heartache.