The night is cold enough to sting your nose, your breath seeps from your mouth like a viscous cloud under the streetlight. The breeze pushes against you ever so softly as to remind you of where you are. You can hear the crashing of the waves more vividly as you grow closer to the origin of the sound step by step and as you creep upon the noise you pick your drooping head up and are enthralled by the landscape born before you as vast as the eye can see. The wind picks up and swirls by your head, the cold specks of water in your hair splash against your face as you listen to the beautiful call of the ocean, the beautiful artistic waves singing to you a melody that could never be sung again. And ever so vividly you can hear her voice once again sing to you a song that would forever be held in your heart. You fall to your knees in anguish of what you have forsaken, what you have loved and who you have lost, forever chasing after her memories as the moon chases the sun encapsulated by its ever glowing radiance.
Your voice begins to fill the air as you call for her one last time, just one last time to see her face, to tell her what you should have said, to be the man she needed you to be, to love her the way she deserved to be loved.
"AAAARRRRGHHHHHH" the noise floods your head and you can no longer hear the serenade of the waves, only the sound of your own torment.
Your eyes shoot open to be caressed so softly by the sun's morning kiss. Your eyes slowly drag across the room looking around at once joy filled ruins that are your memories screen across the wall. Posters, clothes… photos, it's become a prison of my own creation, of my own mistakes. You make your way out of bed, your joints and ligaments feel like they're turning over as you begin making your way to your bedroom door. Turning the door handle you swing open the door to be greeted by the hallway, you make your way downstairs and a familiar face greets you.
The sun fills the room, a bright light flooded your eyes, a strong smell of grease and sweet delights filled the air and the consistent clanking and clattering of dishware and metal clashing ringing through your head. A man who looked to be around 6,3 his skin was soft but certain areas were rough like sandpaper. It was your dad. A lightly skinned black man called out in a stern, light hearted, annoyed voice "come down and help me" . You rush down the stairs to see him cooking food. Your dad is standing there in front of a hot stove cooking for your entire family of 7 including parents. He sounds annoyed and like a coach, he asks you in a hurry to start getting all the food in order.
Once the food is passed out everyone goes to sit down at the coach, you pass by your three sisters, and your brother and sit by your parents. Your father begins to ask everyone how the pancakes tasted and to be honest, they were the best pancakes ive ever tasted. Fluffy yet crispy, perfectly golden and savory but sweet, in all honesty it felt like he put his whole heart into this. But before eating we always prayed to Jesus it was perfect. My dad waited patiently to hear everyone else in the room answer and we all said they tasted delicious, he always thought that he could make them even better though. And although your family lives so far away you all still make time to share in moments of bliss like this.
That feeling when the sun drifts through the sky like a feather, and as you begin to drift into a moment of bliss your vision gets blurry and as you close your eyes you reopen them only to be invited by an impending blue and listless atmosphere that haunts your home. Your mother a white woman shorter in stature, begins to look over to you.
She greets you as you walk closer and she says "It's late, how are you holding up?"
You reply that you're fine and make your way to the frontdoor, your mothers voice rings out "stay safe".
You say goodbye and leave walking through the street, the navy blue sky hangs low above your head as you keep in pace making your way down to the beach, the loose sand crunching beneath your feet.
And as you make your way through the sand there it is, the glistening water that flows so gracefully filling every crevice of the sand like the world was its oyster, bodies of water leaping over and hugging each other, and as the sun sits softly upon the horizon, the sun is covered by a mellowed grey and deeply blue cloudy skies with strips of a vibrant orange bursting through the silent colors.
As you approach the seaside you move towards the rockbed that sits so peacefully like a solemn kingless castle. You sit upon one of the boulders that don't have razor sharp mussels aligning it.
While you look upon your phone in glee you can't help but notice the sounds of the waves as they twirl only to crash and sizzle out. The waves sound like a symphony of calming retributions.
And as you listen to this beautiful rendition of sound you can't help but drift away into a sea of thought.
Nothing, it feels like nothing as you drift through memories as corroded as time forever reliving ordeals that change someone. you begin to ponder, what it would be like to fall in love, to be so overly involved with someone that, being without them hurt so deeply that you would lose sense of who you were. You begin to ponder what changes your life would have had if you were able to be with someone like her.
To be enveloped in a warmth my body would forever crave, to feel that soft smooth skin and stare so deeply into her forever tranquilizing eyes. To be a part of moments with her that would etch into your heart once more what it means to change. For someone to be able to give you strength that could give you just one more day as long as you got to see her face every night. The will to live just for her, to breathe her air and taste the sweetly bitter wine that is created from moments that you two shall forever share.
And as you continue to drift you find that the light that emanates through your eyelids has faded and it was just you and the empty world that god had painted to give us room for creation. And although you would love to stay forever in this moment the tide rises upon this once great castle of stone and leaves it reborn once again with life from the sea.
You pace your speed while walking to give room in your life for the simple beauty of the world that still amasses around you. And watch as the stars burn so brightly so as to try to guide your path along a ruined cliffside leading you to your home, a place where though we speak it still feels as though all of our hearts just can't seem to work right anymore as though they forgot what it felt like to.
You open the door to your home looking around to see nobody, an empty shell of what once was. But you just know that it's okay and everyone's going to be fine at the end of the day though you may not feel as though you know each other and though you don't know how to properly communicate with each other, at the final click of the last light in your house you find a little bit of solace in knowing that everyone is still there. And yet even in meager condition or confusion, a familial love will always feel like a long overdue embrace, one so cherished that those who have not known of it seek it in anything and anyone they find.
Your shadow lurks into your room bearing over your bed, black pillowy sheets welcome you and wrap around you like a sweet affirmation and you begin to drift away, to a land yet to be capitalized by man.
Its dark hints of a deep blue shine through as you swim your way to the top making your way to what looks like a picturesque painting of the sky. You emerge from beneath the water opening your eyes onto a scene as if you were a camera to what looks like you sitting there, looking into a glass room and for the first and last time screaming in a way that will forever haunt you.
The lights go out and you're left with nothing but that eerie silence and nothingness but no matter how you tried to scream no matter how you tried to break free, you just kept sinking in the tar that wrapped around your mouth, suffocating your voice, killing what once was your freedom.
Anything, anything you can do to stop it, you punch, kick, scream, but when that wasn't enough you resort to something unbecoming of your honor and you try to claw and bite and scream and tear yourself away from that void reaching for something just out of view, as if it were your everything. That beautiful light that once was yours, that light that encapsulates your mind, it is so far away yet when you stretch out your binded arm you find the light filling your world as it cracks through the darkness in a horizon.