Hogwarts, Dungeon Level Two.
Originally, this was a storage room for broken desks and Thestral feed.
Now, it had been transformed into a cyberpunk-style... nuclear reactor control room?
The walls were plastered with "Alchemical Arrays" hand-drawn by Ivan, but upon closer inspection, the runes were actually the periodic table and fluid dynamics formulas.
Suspended in the center of the room was a massive metal sphere emitting a ghostly blue light.
It had no fuel yet was spinning wildly, emitting a sound like a thousand screaming bees.
"This is the 'Cold Fusion Alchemical Furnace'?"
Snape, wearing a protective suit modified from lead sheets and holding a Geiger counter (modified from a wand), stood at the door, face pale. "Potter, the radiation levels are off the charts! My hair is going to fall out!"
"That's psychological, Severus."
Ivan sat at the control console, holding a joystick like a game controller. "This is a 'Magical Containment Field'. Simply put, I'm using magic to crush atoms and release energy. Eco-friendly, efficient, zero emissions—except for the potential to flatten half of Scotland, it has no downsides."
Just then, rapid footsteps approached from outside.
Accompanied by a specific, stern coughing sound only a Head of House could make.
Cough! Cough!
Ivan and Snape froze simultaneously.
"It's Minerva!" Snape looked at the door in terror. "If she sees us building an 'Atomic Bomb' under the castle, she'll skin us to make drumheads!"
"Don't panic." Ivan quickly pressed a red button. "Activate 'Camouflage Mode': Holographic Projection · Cathedral Stained Glass!"
The metal panels on the walls flipped instantly, revealing colorful glass stickers behind them.
The terrifying reactor was bathed in a soft pink light, looking like... a massive, glowing statue of the Virgin Mary?
Bang!
The door was smashed open.
Professor McGonagall stormed in like a whirlwind, clutching her wand, eyes sharp as a hawk's.
"I smell it!" McGonagall announced loudly, nostrils twitching. "A smell of... burnt sulfur! And a noise like a thousand Blast-Ended Skrewts mating! Ivan Potter, what devilry are you up to now?"
Snape instinctively shrank behind Ivan.
But Ivan remained calm, pointing at the glowing "Virgin Mary":
"Good afternoon, Professor McGonagall. We are conducting... 'Theological Research'. This is to let the students feel the holy light. Right, Professor Snape?"
Snape nodded stiffly. "Ah... yes. Amen."
McGonagall walked suspiciously to the reactor.
She stared at the humming sphere, then at the cooling tower next to it steaming hot air (actually used for hotpot).
"Holy light?" McGonagall reached out, wanting to touch the sphere. "Why is this 'Virgin Mary' hot to the touch? And vibrating?"
"That's... Holy Vibration!" Ivan bluffed. "It's the latest method of prayer, communicating with spirits through high-frequency vibration."
"Nonsense!" McGonagall whipped her head around, eyes like knives. "I may not understand your messy science, but I recognize this!"
She pointed to a dial on the console.
It should have displayed pressure values, but Ivan was too lazy to change it, simply writing three big words: "EXPLOSION COUNTDOWN."
Currently, the numbers were jumping frantically: 00:03:21.
"What does this mean?" McGonagall's voice began to tremble. "Why is the time decreasing? What happens if it doesn't stop?"
Ivan checked the time and sighed. "Fine, Professor. Since you caught me, I'll confess. This is a 'Miniature Artificial Sun'. In three minutes, it will undergo its first 'Ignition Test'. If cooling water isn't injected in time, it will likely blast Hogwarts into the stratosphere."
McGonagall's eyes went wide instantly.
Her face went from flushed to pale, then from pale to iron-green.
"Blast... into the stratosphere?!"
She clutched her chest, breathing becoming rapid. "Ivan Potter! You... you actually hid a weapon of mass destruction in the school?! I'm going to... I'm going to..."
"I'm going to deduct fifty points from Gryffindor!" Ivan finished for her.
"I'm going to revoke your diploma!!" McGonagall screamed, then her eyes rolled back, and she fell straight backward.
"Professor!" Snape was startled and instinctively tried to catch her, but wearing the lead apron made him clumsy as a penguin. It looked like McGonagall's head was about to hit the reactor.
"Don't move!"
Ivan darted forward, catching her with a "Levitation Charm" one second before she hit the ground.
He quickly pulled a bottle labeled "Quick-Acting Heart Pills · Modified (Contains Stimulants)" from his pocket, pried open McGonagall's mouth, and poured it in.
"Cough cough cough!"
McGonagall woke up violently, coughing severely.
Opening her eyes, she saw the glowing sphere spinning in front of her, the countdown showing: 00:00:10.
"It's going to blow..." McGonagall muttered in despair. "My castle... my students... I haven't seen Gryffindor win the House Cup yet..."
"It hasn't blown yet, Professor." Ivan patted her face. "But if you don't move, I can't input the password."
"Password? What password?" McGonagall was confused.
"This."
Ivan pointed to a slot on the console. "It requires the wand of a 'strictly serious, rule-abiding professor with powerful Transfiguration skills' as a key to reboot the cooling system. Simply put, I need you to insert your wand for me."
McGonagall froze for a second, then exploded with an astonishing will to survive.
She sprang up from the ground, snatched the wand from Snape's hand (Snape: That's mine!), and slammed it into the slot.
"STOP!! YOU DAMNED TIN CAN!!"
Hum—!!
A blinding white light filled the room instantly.
The reactor let out one final roar, then... quieted down.
The sphere's light changed from violent blue to a soft warm yellow.
The numbers on the console froze at: 00:00:01.
Dead silence in the room.
McGonagall slumped on the floor, gasping for air, still clutching Snape's wand tight.
Snape leaned against the wall; his Geiger counter had maxed out and was emitting a shrill alarm.
"Success." Ivan looked at the dashboard, nodding in satisfaction. "Core temperature stabilized at 100 million degrees. From today on, Hogwarts never has to pay electricity bills again. We can even sell excess power to the Muggle grid, using the money to buy hair growth potion for Snape."
Snape: "...Thanks a lot."
McGonagall slowly turned her head to look at Ivan, anger gone from her eyes, replaced by the fear of seeing a monster.
"Ivan," her voice was hoarse, "you just said... this thing can provide electricity?"
"Yes. Infinite energy." Ivan pointed overhead. "As long as this thing spins, the lights in the castle will never go out. Even if it's the end of the world outside, we can run the A/C, eat hotpot, and play video games here."
McGonagall was silent for a long time.
She stood up, straightened her messy robes, then pulled a new bottle of heart pills from her pocket and dry-chewed two.
"Good."
She recovered her strict Head of House demeanor, though her hands still trembled slightly.
"Since it provides electricity... guard it well. If it dares to explode, I will Transfigure you into a teacup and keep you upside down on a table forever."
Just then, the dungeon door opened again.
Dumbledore walked in humming a tune, carrying... what looked like a missile warhead?
"My, it's lively here." Dumbledore looked at the messy dungeon, smiling until his eyes were slits. "I heard Ivan created a new energy source? So I brought a little invention of mine."
He placed the warhead on the table.
It was labeled: "For the Greater Good · Modified."
"This is..." Snape looked at the warhead, face changing drastically. "This is a Muggle nuclear weapon? Where did you get it?"
"Borrowed it." Dumbledore said lightly. "I went to 10 Downing Street and had a chat with that chubby fellow named Fudge. I said, if the Ministry doesn't increase Hogwarts' funding, I'll detonate this 'Big Firework' over London to show everyone the power of 'Alchemy combined with Nuclear Physics'."
McGonagall nearly spat out the pills she just swallowed.
"Albus! You blackmailed the Ministry with a nuclear weapon?!"
"Not blackmail, friendly negotiation." Dumbledore blinked. "And Fudge was very cooperative. He not only approved the funding but also promised that the Ministry's toilet paper will be exclusively supplied by us—using Ivan's recycled paper technology."
Ivan looked at the nuclear warhead, then at the "I am a good person" Dumbledore.
"Old Bee," Ivan couldn't help saying, "you look more like a Dark Lord right now than Grindelwald."
"Is that so?" Dumbledore picked up the warhead and tossed it like an apple. "Maybe because... I also want to try that 'Destroy the World' feeling. After all, with you here, I don't have to worry about actually blowing the world up, right?"
Ivan sighed and pointed to the door.
"Snape, connect the reactor's exhaust pipe to the Great Hall. I want all students to feel the 'Nuclear Warmth' while eating."
"You dare!" McGonagall shrieked. "That will make the students' hair fall out!"
"Then give them wigs." Ivan shrugged. "Lucius has a warehouse full of them anyway."
Just then, the System alert sounded suddenly.
> [Warning: High-Dimensional Energy Reaction Detected!]
> [Location: Deep Forbidden Forest · Hagrid's Hut]
> [Target: Norwegian Ridgeback · Norbert, attempting to swallow a Miniature Black Hole...]
Ivan covered his face.
"Again?"
Dumbledore tucked the warhead under his arm. "Looks like our 'Field Practice' is starting again. Who are we taking this time? Lockhart? or that screaming Quirrell?"
"Take Sirius." Ivan put on his anti-radiation cloak. "He's been too bored being a dog lately; he needs some stimulation. Like... sending him to perform 'Abdominal Surgery' on Norbert to remove the black hole."
McGonagall took a deep breath and pulled out the heart pills again.
"I'm taking sick leave." She said expressionlessly. "Say my heart condition relapsed. If any of you dare blow up the castle, remember to hang my portrait in the center of the ruins. I want to watch you get blown up with my own eyes."