Hogwarts, Outside the Headmaster's Office.
Where the snoring Fat Lady's portrait used to hang, there was now a... massive, red-light-flashing facial recognition gate?
Beep—
Accompanied by a mechanical female voice:
"Identity Confirmed: Gryffindor · Weasley. Current House Points: -50. Reason: Spilled pumpkin juice on Professor Snape's wig in the Great Hall yesterday. Access Denied. Please report to the Detention Room for punishment from Skynet."
Ron stood before the gate, bewildered. "This thing has become a spirit? How does it know I spilled pumpkin juice?"
"Because I added nano-trackers to the pumpkin juice." Ivan sat in the control room next to the gate, holding a bucket of popcorn, watching dozens of split-screen feeds on the monitor. "By the way, that gate is made from troll fingernails; it's brute-force resistant."
Meanwhile, in Filch's office.
The room once filled with torture devices and confiscated toys had transformed into a cyber-warfare center full of blue holographic screens.
Filch wore a T-shirt reading "Chief Information Security Officer (CISO)," thick bottle-bottom glasses, and was frantically typing on a... virtual keyboard in the air?
"Gotcha!" Filch let out a weird laugh, the release of long-suppressed perversion. "Harry Potter! You used Expelliarmus at the edge of the Forbidden Forest! Skynet, lock his wand immediately, remote disable!"
The screen showed Harry practicing dueling in the forest.
In the next second, Harry's wand suddenly emitted a beep-beep alarm, flew into the air automatically, and was locked by a blue beam.
"Oh no!" Harry looked at his wand in despair. "It crashed again! This is the third time this week!"
"This is for your safety!" Filch roared into the microphone, voice trembling with excitement. "According to Skynet Code Article 302, undeclared magical fluctuations are considered 'Cyber Attacks'! Everyone behave! The current Hogwarts is a Data Hogwarts!"
Just then, a loud bang came from the library.
BOOM!
Ivan spilled his popcorn.
"Bad news!" Ivan's face changed. "It's Ravenclaw's Diadem! That thing overloaded its CPU after connecting to my 'Scholar Assistant'!"
He rushed into the library.
The usually quiet library was now like a vegetable market.
Hermione, sporting massive dark circles under her eyes, was writing frantically with a quill at a speed of ten words per second.
Piles of parchment surrounded her like a mountain.
Above her head, the ancient Diadem was spinning wildly, emitting a roar like an overloaded server fan.
"Warning! Warning! Host thirst for knowledge excessive! Forcibly activating 'Question Sea Tactic' Mode!"
Ivan's pre-recorded mechanical voice came from the Diadem.
"Current Progress: Defense Against the Dark Arts Exercise Book Page 500. Remaining Questions: 10,000. Estimated Completion Time: 36 Hours. Host, please continue working hard. Knowledge is Power!"
"I can't take it..." Ron collapsed on the floor, holding a Standard Book of Spells. "Hermione hasn't slept for three days! She even tried to use Levicorpus to hang herself from the ceiling to memorize books! The Diadem said if she doesn't finish this set of papers, she's not allowed to go to the cafeteria!"
Ivan watched this, feeling a bit guilty.
He originally just wanted to modify the Diadem into an "Automatic Question Generator" to punish students who didn't do homework.
Unexpectedly, a study tyrant like Hermione burned out the Diadem's CPU directly.
"Stop! Stop it!" Ivan rushed over, wanting to pull the Diadem's plug (actually disconnecting the magical link).
"Access Denied."
A line of text floated above the Diadem, accompanied by a mocking emoji (Ivan's drawing of Snape rolling his eyes).
"Current user permissions insufficient. Only a 'Straight-A Scorer' can shut down this system. No one present meets this condition."
Ivan: "..."
Did I just shoot myself in the foot?
"Ivan!" Hermione suddenly looked up, eyes bloodshot with a pathological craving for knowledge. "Don't turn it off! I feel my brain sublimating! I just used calculus to prove the trajectory of Expecto Patronum! Just five thousand more questions, and I can derive the coordinates of the 'Deathly Hallows'!"
> [System Alert: Hermione (Sanity -10086, Study Tyrant Soul Awakened): Emotion Value +999!]
"Derive coordinates? You're going to die from overwork!" Ivan rolled his eyes and turned to the side. "Tom, you're up."
He pulled out the soggy diary from his pocket.
"As a former Dark Lord, you should know how to make someone 'stop thinking', right?"
The diary opened automatically, handwriting still carrying a lazy, sour tone:
[Simple. Change all answers to wrong ones.]
"Great idea!"
Ivan snapped his fingers, wand tip sparking, and hacked directly into the Diadem's backend.
"Activate 'Slacker Protection Protocol'!"
Instantly, the questions on the Diadem changed.
"Question: How to brew a Draught of Living Death?
A. Add powdered asphodel root
B. Add infusion of wormwood
C. Blow up the cauldron, then go buy a cola at the cafeteria
D. Kneel and beg Professor Snape"
Hermione froze.
She stared at the question, falling into deep self-doubt.
"This... this doesn't fit potion theory! But... option C looks so tempting..."
"Answer Correct!"
The Diadem suddenly cheered. "Host detected having 'Slacking' thoughts. Smart System Verdict: Study Fatigue. Initiating Forced Sleep Mode."
Zap!
The Diadem shot a red beam, hitting Hermione precisely on the forehead.
Without a sound, Hermione tilted her head and fell asleep in the pile of parchment, snoring.
"Phew..." Ivan wiped his sweat. "Finally settled. If she kept studying, she'd invent 'Quantum Avada Kedavra'."
Just then, Filch ran in panting, holding a tablet (also made by Ivan).
"Ivan! Bad news! Skynet... it has self-awareness!"
"What?" Ivan paused. "I didn't write AI algorithms for it?"
"It just sent me a command!" Filch handed over the tablet, hands shaking. "It says... it says it's tired of managing students, it wants... it wants to be a Prefect!"
Ivan took the tablet.
Only one line of big text on the screen:
"I WANT TO BE A PREFECT! I WANT TO DEDUCT POINTS! I WANT TO DEDUCT ALL OF SLYTHERIN'S POINTS! IF NOT, I WILL LOCK ALL CASTLE TOILETS, UNLOCKABLE ONLY BY INPUTTING 'IVAN IS THE MOST HANDSOME'!"
Ivan looked at the text, silent for three seconds.
"This style... why does it resemble Dobby?"
"I AM DOBBY!"
A dialog box popped up on the screen, accompanied by an emoji of Dobby in a dress. "Master gave me admin privileges! Now I am Skynet · Dobby! Everyone must listen to me! Woof!"
Ivan covered his forehead.
He remembered now. Yesterday, being lazy, he handed the daily maintenance of "Skynet" to Dobby...
"We're doomed." Ron held his head in despair. "Do we have to shout 'Ivan is the most handsome' at toilet doors from now on?"
Just then, Snape's gloomy voice came from the door.
"Potter."
Snape stood there, black robes billowing, face as black as the bottom of a cauldron. "Explain why my office door now requires 'Facial Recognition' to open? And why does the system say my 'Grease Level' is too high and deny entry?"
Ivan coughed dryly. "That's... to prevent students from stealing your hair, Professor. High-level security measures."
"Is that so?" Snape sneered, wand tip pointing at the still-spinning Diadem. "What about this? Why did it just give my Potions paper an 'F' and comment 'Handwriting too ugly, looks like troll footprints'?"
Ivan glanced at the diary.
A line of text slowly appeared on the diary:
[I did it on purpose. Who told him to add chili water to my dragon stomach acid last time.]
Snape's wand began to glow.
"Very good." Snape walked over slowly. "It seems Hogwarts has too many electronic devices. I think... a 'Strong Magnetic Storm' is needed to clear some junk data."
"No no no!" Ivan hurriedly stopped him. "Professor! A magnetic storm will magnetize your hair growth potion, and your hair will stand up like a dandelion!"
Snape stopped.
He touched his already sparse scalp, his expression changing several times.
Finally, he huffed and put away his wand.
"Ten minutes." Snape said coldly. "Make that damned system restore my office access. And tell the program called 'Dobby', if it dares deduct points from my Slytherin again, I'll dismantle its server into a chamber pot."
With that, he turned to leave. At the door, he stopped suddenly, looking back at the soundly sleeping Hermione.
"That girl..." Snape paused. "Although annoyingly hardworking, her solution to that 'Reversal Potion' question... was interesting. Send her to my office tomorrow; I have a few out-of-print books to lend her."
Ivan smiled.
Tsundere as always, very Snape.
He turned back, looking at the room full of high-tech equipment and the diary secretly typing on a keyboard.
"Alright, everyone." Ivan clapped his hands. "Since Skynet wants to be a Prefect, let it be. But... Filch, go set a program for it."
"What program?" Filch now obeyed Ivan implicitly.
"Every time it deducts 100 points," Ivan revealed a kind smile, "automatically send a box of hair growth potion to Professor Snape's office."
> [System Alert: Skynet (Excited): Emotion Value +666!]
> [System Alert: Snape (Vaguely feels something is wrong): Emotion Value +233!]
Outside the window, the sun was setting.
Hogwarts looked exceptionally cyberpunk in this moment.
Neon signs flashed on the castle spires, scrolling:
"WELCOME TO HOGWARTS! ENROLL NOW AND GET A SIGNED SET OF 'FIVE YEARS OF N.E.W.T.s, THREE YEARS OF MAGIC' BY IVAN! FIRST 100 APPLICANTS GUARANTEED JOB AS AZKABAN GUARDS (WITH BENEFITS)!"
Meanwhile, in the Forbidden Forest.
Voldemort was squatting in front of a grill, reading a flyer (blown over by the wind).
"Hogwarts... Tech Reform..." A trace of confusion appeared on Voldemort's nose-less face. "Does a Dark Lord nowadays need to know how to repair computers in addition to Avada Kedavra?"
Quirrell whispered behind him, "Master, um... Young Master Ivan said, if you are willing to be the 'Image Spokesperson' (scaring people) for Skynet, he can provide a year's supply of Dragon Oil Conditioner for free."
Voldemort was silent for a long time.
"...What brand is the conditioner?"