Saint, You're So Vulgar! – Chapter 6
Asher finally managed to step out of the room after a prolonged argument.
Today's schedule was civilian service to earn money for shopping.
For something a saintess was doing, it felt a bit too worldly, stirring faint doubts, but good deeds were still good deeds.
Ah, wasn't it about bestowing abilities upon the poor and the sick?
He approached it with enthusiasm, and the first step was notifying the church of the inspection.
This was where Asher started to tense up.
No matter how noble the cause, a saintess was classified as one of the church's most important figures, so he anticipated all sorts of tedious security measures.
But the procedures turned out to be surprisingly simple, making his worries about how to talk his way out seem pointless.
"Ah! Got it confirmed! I'll register the paperwork right away!"
"?"
"We are grateful for the saintess's grace."
The priest in charge approved it with astonishing straightforwardness, without any prior checks, beaming brightly.
Even the report to the higher-ups wasn't required!
"Huh?"
As Asher felt baffled, Versia explained.
"I told you. A saintess is like a cuckoo in the nest. They praise her to the skies and give her the title, but there's nothing for her to actually do, so they're thankful when she takes on something like this."
"Is that... really true?"
"Think about it. The saintess is basically the face of the church. How great is that? Someone who looks so impressive goes out to the streets to care for the sick. It's good for the people because their illnesses get treated, and good for the church because it refreshes their image."
Asher's lips pursed.
Versia smirked as she spoke.
It was a cynical sneer, almost pessimistic.
"Well, they even hand over money because they don't want the hassle themselves. Do you know why the special allowance was created...?"
Was the Holy Church really okay like this?
Asher began to seriously worry about the church's future.
* * *
There was a minor hiccup, but Asher somehow succeeded in heading out.
This inspection involved touring the Oasia Territory adjacent to the church grounds to provide medical services.
A firm resolve was visible on Asher's face as he left the church.
'I have to make this work somehow! Yeah, maybe this is the calling the Parent God has given me!'
The Parent God might have arranged this to fix the saintess's plummeting image.
The result of his prayer to draw danger to himselfswapping bodiescould mean that with the saintess's image in the gutter and Versia at risk, he should step up in her place.
Asher's cheeks flushed slightly at the delusion tinged with self-importance.
But in the end, restoring the dignity of a saintess would be good for Versia, right?
Asher's gaze turned to Versia.
She remained utterly carefree, oblivious to his inner thoughts.
Yawning with her hands in her pockets, she looked utterly improper.
Asher's expression soured immediately.
"Your conduct is unseemly! Take your hands out of your pockets, cover your mouth when yawning! And why are those buttons undone again? All the way to the collar... Argh, come here!"
"You're so strict. We're outside the church now. Can't I relax a bit?"
"This is my body! I don't like people seeing me as sloppy!"
Asher fussed while buttoning up Versia's shirt.
He tucked the loose hem into her pants, straightened and properly fastened the haphazardly draped cloak.
Tightening the belt adjusted the scabbard angle, finally giving it a proper holy knight look.
Asher crossed his arms and nodded with a satisfied "Mm-hmm!"
His smiling face sparkled with delight.
"Perfect! This level of neatness could be straight out of the manual!"
It was the very image of a saintess's escort knight he'd longed for.
What especially caught Asher's eye was the insignia on the cloak.
The emblem of wings enfolding a shield, symbolizing the saintess's escort knightit stirred both pride and regret.
'Ah, that should have been my place originally.'
He smacked his lips.
Lost in such sentiments,
"You're staring so intently."
Versia covered her chest with her hand.
Asher froze.
He narrowed his eyes and glared at Versia.
'I can't keep taking this forever.'
Thinking that, he immediately counterattacked.
"I was looking at the insignia! Seeing someone in the position I desperately wanted to be in just overwhelmed me with emotion!"
But this was futile flailing once again.
"Then what's that?"
"...Pardon?"
"You groped all over my body while pretending to fix my clothes."
"Ha...!"
Asher retorted in exasperation.
...That was a mistake.
"It's my body! Of course I can touch it as I please!"
He shouldn't have said that.
It was self-sabotage with no other way to put it.
Versia grinned slyly.
"Then can I touch it too?"
"...!"
"By knight logic, it's my body, so I can touch it, right?"
Thud
Asher's thoughts ground to a halt.
He couldn't process the words right away, blankly replaying them step by step.
But his muddled brain made it hard.
'What is she saying?'
Versia helped him understand.
She stepped closer, leaning in to whisper in his ear.
"I've been curious. Wanna tell me what happens if someone else touches my chest...?"
Asher met the predictable end.
"Aaaahhh!!!"
Beet-red, Asher screamed and bolted toward the city.
He plugged his ears tight and squeezed his eyes shut.
He didn't want to experience or even imagine such a thing.
He kept repeating to himself.
"I can't hear! I can't hear! I can't hear!!!"
"Aw, but knight's curious too..."
"Ack!"
It was unfortunate.
Versia's body was frailer than Asher's, yet no matter how frantically he ran, it matched her leisurely strides in speed.
"Come on, about our agreement..."
"No! Absolutely not!!!"
Versia's laughter followed Asher like a shadow.
The price of letting his guard down was death.
In that moment, Asher thought of his friend Marvin.
-Why do you bring this suffering on yourself? Everyone else avoids it like the plague.
He was right.
A saintess's escort knight was no easy position.
* * *
By the time they reached the city, the mood had calmed.
Why did he feel like taking a break before even starting work?
Overwhelmed by exhaustion, Asher realized the cause and glared at Versia.
"...Saintess, no more of those crude jokes. We're in the city nowlots of eyes on us."
"Then outside the city, I can..."
"No!"
"Eek."
Asher's eyes widened fiercely.
Stern, dignified, seriousbut on Versia's face, it had little effect.
Versia shrugged.
"Got it. I have some sense. You think I'd do that in front of people?"
"It's a promise! Medical service isn't just earning moneyit's spreading the Parent God's grace to the world! It must be solemn! Not a hint of vulgarity allowed!"
"Yeees."
"Even if our bodies are swapped, the people's perception of the saintess matters. Bestowing grace is literally propagating faith physically...!"
Asher launched into a speech.
He hoped Versia would take it seriously even after their bodies returned.
At some point, he got so absorbed in preaching faith that he raised his voice, ignoring how attentively Versia listened.
How much time passed like that?
"Ah, we're here."
"...Oh! Already?"
Asher smacked his lips.
He hadn't finished his topic on divine power and the Parent God's grace, leaving him unsatisfied.
But he couldn't delay the main task for that.
Arriving at the church branch, Asher cleared his throat and straightened up.
Speak little, smile kindly.
He began acting as Versia had instructed.
"Greetings to the saintess."
"Yes, where are the patients?"
The soft tone felt awkward on his tongue, but he endured.
The branch priest guided Asher and Versia to the patients, and upon arrival, Asher let out a low sigh.
"...There are so many."
"With the city's large population..."
It meant plenty of illnesses and accidents too.
Behind the branch, patients lined up across the open lot and into the alleys.
Treating them all would likely take until sunset.
Versia whispered.
"You okay with that?"
Asher smiled sheepishly.
"No choice, right? With this many patients, I'll just have to work a bit harder."
"Wow, you really are the saintess."
"I'm a holy knight."
"What are you buying?"
"Ah...!"
"Kidding. I'll stop."
Couldn't hold back and spouted nonsense again.
Asher shot her a warning glance.
Versia nodded toward the patients.
Sighing, Asher stepped forward.
That was the moment.
"Ooh! It's the saintess!"
"Aah!!!"
Cheersor desperate crieserupted.
Asher felt pity.
Their eyes reflected raw desperation.
But he couldn't show sympathy.
Asher knew what desperation needed was not pity, but a smile.
He'd learned that emotion thanks to the someone beside him.
'Though a lot of my illusions got shattered...'
Anyway, not important now.
Asher smiled gently and spoke to the patients.
"Greetings, everyone."
As gracefully as possible... suppressing the embarrassment and itchiness.
Their response was reverent.
Praising the Parent Godit was heartwarming.
Now to begin the treatments.
Asher sat down, and the first patient was an elderly man with a hunched back, breathing raggedly with a metallic rasp.
"You'll feel better soon. Just bear with it a little."
"Y-yes, yes, Saintess...! Th-thank you... cough! So grateful...!"
"Save your thanks for the Parent God."
As he spoke, he grasped the old man's wrist.
Simple immune deficiency.
Infusing vitality should fix him right up.
'Prayer of Vitality, and for weakened joints, Prayer of Healing.'
Though holy knights mainly learned combat prayers, Asher knew basic healing prayers too.
'Not difficult.'
Thinking that, Asher channeled divine power.
'As usual.'
...That was the problem.
Thud!
'...Huh?'
Asher had overlooked it.
Her divinity, called the world's favorite.
Its sheer magnitude and output.
'Urk...?!'
Panic surged within Asher.
The moment he unleashed divine power, the anomaly struck.
Rumble rumble rumble!
The ground shook.
The sky roared madly.
A massive boom swept the city.
Rumble rumble boom!
'Wh-what is this...!'
Asher sensed crisis and tried to pull back the divine power swiftly.
But once ignited, the divinityand the activated prayerwouldn't stop.
Panic filled his head.
But more panic came right after.
Screeeee!
"Ah! Saintess!"
"Ah!! Parent God!!!"
A halo bloomed above Asher's crown.
The golden ring spun wildly, amplifying the activated prayer.
Asher's pupils trembled like in an earthquake.
'W-wait! Just a moment!!!'
He screamed inwardly, but the divine power ignored him and proceeded.
Craaaaaack!
Radiance poured from the heavens.
Dark clouds parted as a golden pillar engulfed the space, the city walls beyond, and even nearby farmlands.
The ground was bathed in gold.
The prayer within the light began healing all living things.
Life bloomed.
Flowers burst open out of season, screaming blessings.
People were no different.
"O, oooh...!!!"
Exclamations burst from somewhere.
Soon they knelt with thuds.
"Parent God...!"
"Great Creator...!"
Some chanted the Parent God's name.
Others clasped hands in tears; still others prostrated, bearing witness.
Asher's mouth gaped blankly.
Cold sweat trickled down his back.
'What...'
Something was going wrong.
The moment he thought that, a voice came from behind.
"Whoa."
Creak creak, Asher's head turned.
There it was.
"You caused a scene."
Versia smirked, twisting her lips.
Like someone who'd caught a weakness.
An ominous feeling hit, and he wasn't wrong.
Versia whispered languidly.
"I was trying to live quietly."
"..."
"Thanks to you, knight, it'll get noisy. More annoyances too. Ahh, my life's ruined..."
"..."
"...You'll have to take responsibility. Right?"
Versia's eyes curved into crescents.
Her pupils gleamed darkly in shadow.
And so,
"...Gulp."
Asher's blood ran cold.