Staring down at the steaming curry rice—now crowned with a glistening lump of literal shit—the Masked Man felt a level of rage that transcended simple anger.
He sat there in the dark void of Kamui while trembling.
Once the initial desire to burn the world down subsided, Obito's tactical mind kicked in.
He gleaned one crucial piece of intel from this atrocity: Kakashi has mastered the Mangekyo Sharingan.
Only Kamui could send objects here.
And apparently, that bastard was using this divine space-time ability... to flush his toilet.
The fucking disrespect!
Obito had noticed some weird movements from the Akatsuki lately—Kisame acting like a movie producer, Itachi being weirdly chill—but after checking with Black Zetsu, he had ignored it.
As the physical manifestation of Madara's will, Black Zetsu was trustworthy.
Zetsu had reported that the Seven-Tails Jinchuriki was in Amegakure.
To Obito, this made sense.
You have to seal the Tailed Beasts in order. Keeping the Seven-Tails on amegakure was just a good move.
"Kakashi..." Obito muttered, his voice dripping with ominous intent. "I will definitely reunite you, Rin, and everyone else in the next world. And I will make you eat this curry when you get there."
He stood up, swirling his cloak.
He needed to warp out again and buy a damn sandwich!
He activated Kamui and the space began to distort around his eye, opening a vortex to the outside world.
SPLAT-ZOOM.
Suddenly, the lump of shit, which had been resting peacefully on the rice, jerked to life.
When the Kamui dimension was sealed, the "repair" function of Makoto's Crazy Diamond was paused because the path was blocked.
But the moment Obito opened the door?
The shit realized its home (Kakashi's ass) was that way!
It launched itself at the only exit available—Obito's right eye.
"AH—FUCK!"
...
POOF.
Obito materialized out of thin air, screaming. He dropped to one knee, clutching his mask and start hyperventilating.
He wasn't physically injured.
But what just happened was infinitely worse than a kunai to the gut!
He had watched, in high-definition slow-motion thanks to his Sharingan's superior kinetic vision, as a flying shit aimed directly for his eyeball.
He saw every texture. He saw the steam and it was traumatizing.
"Damn you, Kakashi! You sick freak!"
Obito scrambled to his feet, seething.
He turned around, desperate to see what kind of twisted new tracking jutsu required using biological waste as a homing beacon.
He sprinted after the shit.
The brown missile was tearing through the forest, ripping through leaves. Obito chased it, his Sharingan locked on to the shit.
However...
The "scent contamination" link Makoto created had a time limit.
Just as Obito closed the distance, the Crazy Diamond effect expired.
The invisible magnetic pull vanished.
The object lost its momentum.
It became subject to gravity again.
Obito, running at full speed, didn't anticipate the sudden deceleration.
WHOOSH.
He phased through it just in time!
The object passed harmlessly through his intangible skull and landed on the forest floor with a wet plop.
Obito stood there as he stared at the object on the ground.
He let out a shaky breath.
A single piece of shit had just given him more pressure than fighting the Fourth Hokage.
He reached down and touched his pants.
They were damp.
'Sweat,' he told himself firmly. 'It's just sweat. Uchiha Obito does not piss his pants!'
...
Hidden Leaf Village.
Hokage's Office.
Kakashi, looking like he had aged ten years in the last hour, stood before the Third Hokage.
He reported the situation regarding Yukie Fujikaze and the brewing coup in the Land of Snow.
He recalled his ANBU days.
He had been the one to rescue the young princess ten years ago. It seemed fate had a twisted sense of humor.
"This mission is entirely up to you, Kakashi," Hiruzen Sarutobi said, puffing on his pipe. "You can abandon it, or proceed. If you choose to go, I'll upgrade it to S-rank. You can mobilize up to two squads for support."
Hiruzen didn't worried about the land of snow.
The Land of Snow was far away and even if it became a superpower, Iwagakure would have to deal with it first.
"We'll take the mission," Kakashi said instantly. "But for support... I only need one team."
"Oh?"
"Team Guy."
According to the intel, the Snow ninjas used "Chakra Armor." It absorbed ninjutsu and genjutsu.
It made them tanks against chakra-based attacks.
But you can't absorb a kick to the face and Guy was the hard counter to their bullshit.
...
Back at the Film Crew's Camp.
Sandayu had successfully gaslit the director into continuing the trip.
"Think about it!" Sandayu shouted. "If audiences find out the lead actress is a real princess reclaiming her real throne? It's gonna be box office gold!"
The Director, a man blinded by greed and artistic vision, agreed instantly.
The risk of dying in a frozen warzone was irrelevant compared to the potential ticket sales.
The only problem was the star herself.
Koyuki was still refusing to budge.
Kakashi returned from his meeting. But his first move wasn't to talk to the princess.
He walked straight up to Makoto, looking traumatized.
"Indulging Naruto once was enough," Kakashi pleaded, his voice trembling. "Please. Never use that technique again. It's... it's a fucking war crime."
On his way back, Kakashi had seen chaos.
Villagers clutching their asses.
People crying in the streets.
Since nobody know what actually happened, they all assumed someone had gone on a rampage with the Thousand Years of Death.
And since Kakashi was the only ninja famous for poking butts... the rumors about him were already starting.
"It has nothing to do with me," Makoto shrugged innocently. "This was clearly the work of Gaara from the Sand Village."
"Huh?" Kakashi tilt his head in confusion.
"When you see him in the Chunin Exams, you'll understand. He controls sand. And what is sand used for? Cat litter. He controls the litter box, Kakashi. His domain is shitting." Makoto said with a straight face.
"..."
Kakashi stared at him.
That logic was so stupid it actually hurt his brain.
Giving up on Makoto, Kakashi walked over to Koyuki. He tried to persuade her with logic, duty, and nostalgia.
It failed miserably.
She just drank more whiskey.
Kakashi sighed. He considered using a Genjutsu to knock her out and drag her onto the ship, but he was drained.
Using Kamui to banish a shit had eaten a huge chunk of his chakra reserves.
He turned to Makoto.
"She seemed to agree with what you said earlier," Kakashi said, defeated. "Why don't you give it a try?"
"Kakashi-sensei is so lame," Naruto whispered loudly to Sakura. "He can't even talk to a girl."
"...I haven't used my ultimate secret technique yet," Kakashi muttered, defending his honor.
He pulled out his orange book—Icha Icha Paradise.
"I just need to consult the sacred texts for a pickup line."
"A novel written by a lonely virgin, for other lonely virgins," Makoto deadpanned. "Can that really serve as a guide for human interaction?"
"..."
Kakashi slumped his shoulders.
Makoto ignored the depressed Jonin. He walked over and sat down on the crate next to Koyuki.
"Why not go back?"
No long speeches.
No "Will of Fire" bullshit.
He just threw the question at her.