So... this chapter is a bit disgusting and please remind yourself that this was a fiction and a joke!
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Makoto and Kakashi's group arrived at the film crew's base camp at the film crew's base camp.
After some brief, polite greetings, Kakashi looked around the chaotic set.
"Sandayu-san," Kakashi asked the nervous manager. "Where is the star? Where is Miss Yukie Fujikaze?"
"Ah... well..." Sandayu wiped sweat from his forehead. "When she heard we were actually going to the Land of Snow for filming, she... uh... ran off. We sent people to look for her, but she gave us the middle finger instead. Kakashi-san, could you help us search for her?"
"Help you?" Makoto scoffed, stepping forward before Kakashi could answer.
"Isn't the problem obvious?"
He pointed at the samurai guards loitering around.
"Your subordinates are cannon fodder. You're taking a handful of actors and stagehands to overthrow a military dictatorship. That's a suicide."
Makoto leaned in, his voice dripping with cynicism.
"Have you been watching too many of your own movies? Do you think just passionately shouting 'Never give up!' and playing sad music will defeat your enemy? Please. Not everyone is a Jinchuriki or an Uchiha who can power up just by getting pissed off."
"Your princess has self-awareness," Makoto continued, ignoring Sandayu's crumbling expression.
"She knows going back is a death sentence. And honestly? Even if you miraculously overthrow the current goverment, remember.... she's an actress. She knows lighting and angles, not economics or foreign policy. She couldn't develop a country anyway."
Sandayu looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
The brutal truth hit him like a brick.
Kakashi sweatdropped, waving his hands.
"Now, now... it's alright, Sandayu-san, I'll help you—HUUUUH?!"
Halfway through his diplomatic sentence, Kakashi finally processed what Makoto had just said.
'Restore the country? Overthrow the government?'
'Weren't we just escorting a film shoot?!'
"He's right. He said exactly what I was thinking."
A cynical female voice came from the doorway of a nearby trailer.
Yukie Fujikaze—or rather, Koyuki Kazahana, the exiled princess—stepped out.
She held a flask, looking like she had been drinking her breakfast.
"Sandayu, give up," she said, leaning against the doorframe. "Stop clinging to these childish illusions. We're destined to fail. I'm not going back to die for your fantasy."
"Actually," Makoto interrupted, holding up a finger. "Failure isn't guaranteed."
Koyuki blinked. "You just said it was suicide."
"For them that is," Makoto pointed at Sandayu. "But the situation has nuance."
"Doto Kazahana is currently militarizing heavily. He's developing Chakra Armor and building a railway to move troops. That makes him a threat to the Five Great Nations."
Makoto's tone shifted, becoming cold and calculating.
"To eliminate this threat, the Great Nations would prefer a weak leader in charge. Someone with no ambition and zero political skill. Someone like... you."
"His subordinates are useless, but you have leverage," Makoto grinned. "You have Konoha. If you frame this as 'removing a threat to peace,' Konoha would certainly be willing to help you install a puppet regime. You get your throne, they get security. Win-win."
Hearing this, the despair in Sandayu's eyes vanished, replaced by a burning hope.
He looked toward Kakashi with puppy-dog eyes.
Kakashi felt a migraine coming on.
This wasn't a C-rank escort mission anymore... again.
This was an A-rank, possibly S-rank, regime change operation.
"I need to consult the Hokage-sama," Kakashi said, his expression serious. "This is above my pay grade."
"What about the prank? The prank?!"
Naruto was bouncing on a folding chair nearby, waving his arms like a windmill.
He hadn't understood a single word of the political talk. All he remembered was Makoto promising him a legendary prank.
"Naruto, be patient," Makoto sighed.
He grabbed two disposable cups from a table.
He filled one with water, took a sip, swished it around in his mouth to mix it with his saliva and spat it into the empty cup.
Then he handed the spit-cup to Naruto.
"What should I do with this?" Naruto accepted the cup excitedly, not caring about the hygiene.
"Take this to the central public restroom block in the village," Makoto whispered, leaning into Naruto's ear.
"The one connected to the main sewage line. Pour it directly into the septic tank."
"Whoa!"
Naruto's eyes lit up with malicious glee.
He didn't know what was going to happen, but it sounded gross, and gross was funny!
He grabbed the cup and bolted.
Kakashi watched him go, feeling a deep sense of foreboding.
He recalled the time he caught Naruto painting the Hokage faces.
When the kid ran out of paint, he had switched to buckets of raw shit!
"What are you doing?" Kakashi stopped. He was about to leave to report to Hiruzen, but his instincts were screaming.
"Don't worry, it's a safe prank," Makoto waved him off. "No one will be in life-threatening danger. It's just... memorable."
"By the way, Kakashi," Makoto asked casually. "Have you taken a shit today?"
"Huh?"
Kakashi froze, and a giant question mark appeared over his head.
'Why ask such a question?'
Of course he had.
He was a professional!
In preparation for a long-term escort mission, he had specifically emptied his bowels in the public restroom this morning to ensure peak combat efficiency.
A ninja never goes into battle with a stomach full of shit!
But why did Makoto need to know that?
Kakashi stared at Makoto with face full of confusion and suspicion.
Sasuke, standing nearby, pretended to be indifferent, but his ears were perked up.
He watched Makoto intently.
He wanted to know the depths of this man's power.
This guy commanded Itachi, his "pranks" had to be on another level!
"Big bro! I'm done! I poured it in!"
Naruto's voice echoed from the distance as he sprinted back, grinning like a maniac.
"OK." Makoto stood up and he looked toward the village center.
He raised his right hand and clenched his fist.
"Crazy Diamond."
At first, everything was calm, then, a low rumble started.
It sounded like distant thunder.
Or... like a million toilets flushing in reverse.
"ARGHHHH!"
"WHAT IS THAT?!"
"MY ASS! OH GOD, MY ASS!"
Pained shouts and terrified screams began rising from the village, echoing off the Hokage monument.
Kakashi's face went pale under his mask.
'That's not life-threatening danger?'
He hurriedly ran out of the film camp and looked down at the village streets.
The scene before him was straight out of a nightmare.
It was like a hell on earth!
Countless shit were rocketing out of the sewers, out of toilets, and out of septic tanks.
They were flying through the air with terrifying speed and precision.
And they were hunting.
Crazy Diamond repairs objects to their original state.
Makoto had fused his 'saliva' with the sewage.
Now, that sewage was trying to "repair" itself by reuniting with the parts that had been separated from it.....
Specifically, the parts that were still inside people's intestines... or the parts that had recently left those intestines.
It was the Law of Attraction, shit edition!
"OH GOD NO!"
Kakashi watched a Chunin running down the street, screaming like a madman while a 'shit' that shaped like a plane chased him like a heat-seeking missile, aiming directly for his asshole.
Kakashi felt his own sphincter tighten instinctively.
This was ten thousand times more terrifying than the Thousand Years of Death technique!
This was.... a Thousand Years of Trauma!
'Wait!'
Kakashi suddenly remembered Makoto's question.
'Have you taken a shit today?'
His blood ran cold.
As the Hidden Leaf's number one Technician, Kakashi's combat intuition kicked into overdrive.
He analyzed the trajectory and he calculated the variables.
"Sharingan!"
Kakashi ripped his headband up, revealing the spinning red eye.
He scanned the surroundings, praying to the Sage of Six Paths that he was wrong.
'Please don't let it be real. I must be paranoid.'
However, the Sharingan didn't lie.
It picked up a high-speed projectile incoming from the north.
It was brown and wet..... and it was locked onto his chakra signature.
'RUN!'
POOF.
Kakashi vanished.
He used the Body Flicker technique to sprint away at top speed, blurring across the rooftops.
But the object behind him showed no signs of slowing down.
It banked hard, cutting a corner to intercept him.
It was relentless.
It had a destination, and that destination was Kakashi's ass.
"Yamero! Yamero! YAMEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Kakashi sprinted through the Hidden Leaf Village with tears welling in his eyes.
He was a legendary Jonin!
And now he was running for his dignity from his own shit!
He looked back and It was getting closer to him.
He regretted everything.
He regretted not joining Gai for those insane 500-lap morning runs.
If he had Gai's stamina, maybe he could outrun this!
"It's too close!"
Cornered against a wall, Kakashi turned around and the brown missile was inches away.
He panicked.
"KAMUI!!!"
At the critical moment, Kakashi activated his Mangekyo Sharingan.
Space twisted.
The air warped around the projectile.
SHLOOP.
The object vanished into the swirling vortex of the Kamui dimension just milliseconds before impact.
Kakashi collapsed to the ground, chest heaving.
He was drenched in cold sweat.
He had burned a massive amount of chakra, but he was safe.
His dignity was intact!
....
Meanwhile, in the Kamui Dimension.
Obito Uchiha was sitting on a concrete block in the dark, gloomy void.
He had removed his orange mask to eat lunch.
He was enjoying a hot, delicious bowl of curry rice he had just teleported in from a shop in the Rain Village.
He lifted a spoonful of curry to his mouth.
SPLAT.
A wet, brown lump fell out of a spatial rift directly above him.
"WHO THE HELL SHITS IN THE KAMUI DIMENSION?!!"