I remember everything now. And as soon as I did, the fear I felt when I saw that 'person' came back to me like a wave crashing over my chest. A shiver ran down my spine, making it impossible to move. It felt as though I was trapped in that moment all over again. I tried to shake it off, but the fear clung to me stubbornly. It feels as though I saw that 'uncle' from 16 years ago again. Why was someone who didn't have even one of those 'things' doing with someone who was overflowing with them? It's been so long since I was this terrified of someone. I shut my eyes tight. All those bad memories are starting to reappear again.
And then, I realized something like I was struck by lightning bolts. That IS not the issue right now. I picked up my phone that I threw to the side after remembering. I slowly read the notification from beginning to end over and over again. The more I processed the information, the more my brain went into a turmoil.
"WHAT ON THE LOVE OF HEAVENS HAVE I DONE!!!?" I said that so loudly, my voice cracked.
For the nth time, I started to panic again. I can feel my heartbeat increasing every second. My body is starting to sweat for the nth time and I'm feeling a shortness of breath FOR THE NTH TIME again. Before the symptoms got anymore worse, I started to do the things my Therapist told me FOR the nth time today.
First, I did the breathing technique again. Usually, that would have been enough to calm me down a little. But maybe because I panicked so much today, I can't seem to calm down anymore. That's why I tried the 5-4-3-2-1 method right after the breathing technique. In this method, I have to name-
· 5 things I can see.
· 4 things I can touch.
· 3 things I can hear.
· 2 things I can smell.
· 1 thing I can taste.
The 5-4-3-2-1 method is a grounding technique often used to reduce anxiety, panic, or overwhelming thoughts. This technique always helped me bring my focus back. And it without a doubt, helped me today too.
After I had calmed down a bit, the exhaustion hit me both mentally and physically. I had just woken up from a nap, but it feels as if I have been sleep deprived for three weeks. In just one day, I broke down so many times. I don't want to ever go outside again.
But I know, no matter how much I want to just be a shut-in, I will force myself to open the front door again. No matter how much I want to stay away from people, I will force myself to mingle among them again. Because I made a promise.
My head started to throb. It feels like someone is banging my head with a hammer. I still have to find a way to leave the club. Should I just say I accidently joined? I also need to come up with a lie to tell Mr. Hans next Monday.
My head is pounding a lot more now. I feel so drained and heavy. This headache is making everything around me blurry.
There is no one anywhere near me, but I subconsciously started pleading to someone invisible. I held my head tightly and begged over and over again to make the headache stop. I begged to just give me peace now, to let this suffering stop as tears finally dropped from my eyes. In this big house with only my breath being heard, I pleaded to the non-existent to let me be happy now. I cried and cried till my eyes ran dry. Before I realized it, the sun had already set. In this empty apartment, I cried and begged till I was too exhausted to even do that. I lied in my bed as my soul slowly started to drift away. Without anyone to lean on, I learned to soothe myself. But now, I'm too tired to do even that.
Suddenly, I thought of the boy I stared at for seven minutes. The image of him of him standing alone amidst all those people is still clear in my head. Everything around me was blurry, but the only clear thing I could see was his silhouette. And before I realized, I was replaying all the memories I have of him. I was tired, exhausted, drained; but replaying the memories of a stranger surprisingly comforted me. Was it because he didn't have those 'things' that made me less scared of him despite him being a stranger? Or is it because he never looked at me with eyes that seemed to say 'what is wrong with this person?' despite me looking at him for seven minutes? Whatever the reason may be, I most likely won't ever know.
My eyelids started to shut themselves. After crying for so long, I guess I will have to give them some rest. I can leave the book club after some sleep.
At that moment, I didn't know that small decision of mine would prevent me from leaving the club.
It's currently 2:44 pm. When I woke up it felt as though I was not in my room, but somewhere time did not exist. My body felt heavy, and my head was still pounding. If I fell asleep somewhere between 5:50 to 6:30 pm yesterday, then I have been asleep for approximately 21 hours.
Every muscle in me felt stiff, as if I had been buried in sleep for too long. My throat was dry, burning for water, and my stomach growled like I hadn't eaten in days. I tried to sit up, but the room swayed, forcing me to clutch the sheets just to steady myself. I had slept twenty-one hours straight. It was supposed to be rest, but it felt more like I had fainted from life itself.
For a moment, I had forgotten all memories of yesterday. At first, I thought maybe sleep had washed it all away-that if I just stayed in this hazy state long enough, yesterday would dissolve like a bad dream. But as the memories came crawling back to me, I found it harder to breath.
My chest tightened, my hands shook. My body felt weak from the long rest, yet my mind was racing, tangled in both fear and embarrassment. The walls around me felt closer, the air heavier, as if the room itself knew what I was trying so desperately to forget.
A deep, exhausted sigh left from within my mouth. After sleeping twenty-one hours, after giving my body all that time to heal... my mind still hadn't learned how to escape. Just after 2-3 minutes of waking up, I am already tired. To the point that I wanted to do something so drastic, it would finally shut my head off.
As I was wondering what short of extreme thing I should do, just like flashing light, the memory of that boy in the streets suddenly came to mind. And then, somewhere between the exhaustion, fear and shame; I felt a tiny bit of relief. Relief that I had remembered the existence of that untainted boy.
The source of that relief was unclear. Why does it matter if I remember him or not?' I asked myself in a whisper. For a moment, my head was filled with only thoughts of him. I didn't even realize the fact that I was gradually calming down. Although I didn't have enough time to think of the answer.
My stomach growled so loudly it stopped all incoming thoughts. I finally got up from my bed. Not eating a thing for twenty-one hours has started to affect my body
For now, let's eat something first.