I took a piece of cookie that was in a cookie jar I didn't even know I had. The cookie was so soft and chewy I ended up eating every last one of them. But perhaps twenty-one hours of not eating anything contributed to that too.
I walked for a while to go from the kitchen to the living room. My house is big; unnecessarily so. At first, I wanted to buy a small apartment, but the security around big apartment complexes are much stronger then small ones, so I ended up living in this ridiculously large apartment.
I took a sip of the coffee in my hand as I sank into the couch, tucking one leg beneath me while the other bent lazily against the cushions. I cradled the warm cup close to my lips, letting the rising steam brush against my face. My back leaned into the pillows, shoulders lose. It wasn't a stiff pose-just natural-like my body had shaped itself around the quite of the moment. I closed my eyes tightly as I shut my brain off from everything that happened yesterday and decided to focus on the more urgent matter at hand.
"The book club" I whispered softly.
By mistake, I had joined a book club yesterday. I pondered for a rather long time on what I should say to leave the club. Although I love books, clubs are just out of the question. And by love, I mean LOVE.
The love I have for books is a love I have never felt for any humans. Books are the only crowds where I can stand without fear or unease. When I read, the world shrinks to just me and the ink. No buzzing thoughts about the promise, the worm like things, the uncertainness, no memories of the past reoccurring, no fear, no hesitations, no panics, no tiredness. Just me and the books, the stories from the very thing I fear; people.
I think I love books because their pages don't judge, don't yell, don't reach out to touch me when I've barely survived a day. For me, each book, each story is a quite hand, a whisper that says, you're safe here. I love the smell of old pages, the gentle weight of a book in my hands. When I read, I can listen to the author's stories without being wary. I can feel love, friendship, adventure without ever leaving the room. No one asks questions. No one touches me. No one hurts me. Sometimes, books also help me reduce the fear I have for people.
Some girls fall in love with people. I fall in love with stories-because in them, I can breathe without hesitation. I had only once, felt a love that is anywhere near the love I have for books for a person... and that person was my younger sister. The reason why I have been trying to mix with people again.
A notification sound brought me back to reality from my inner world. I quickly picked up my phone with one hand to see what notification I got. But I stopped midway. The last time I got one, I was in a state of panic, and so this time I was reluctant to. I really hoped from the bottom my heart that it's not another notification that will make me have difficulty breathing.
After a few moments, I decided to check the notification and also decided to just tell the truth in the Readersmeet chat room that I joined by mistake. As I sat in a more comfortable position and finally opened my phone, I saw that the notification that came earlier just now was from the chat room. I felt a wave of hesitation wash over me as I debated whether to click on it or not. I started to sweat even though not a hint of heat can be traced anywhere in this large apartment. In the end, when I was trying to put the coffee mug down, by mistake, again, I clicked on the notification and ended up in the club chat room.
"I was going to click it anyway. No big deal." I tried to persuade myself.
Full of dread, I started to read the messages one after the other.
Readersmeet.com must be a website that hides names for privacy. Either that, or the members like to stay anonymous when they chat online. Not one of the messages have their name revealed.
Member 1 (Admin): It's been a while since the last time we met up and had a book being discussed. How about we meet up at Hoxdon library this Saturday? Besides, we've got a new member!! We should definitely meet up and introduce ourselves.
A deep sigh left me as I read that message. Memories of what happened the first time I read this came flooding back to me. With a resigned expression, I started to read the piled-up messages below.
Member 4: Whatttt? But I was planning to go to Texas this Saturday.
Member 2: I wasn't really going to come cuz of personal reasons, but since we have a new member, count me in.
Member 3: Rita, are you going to ditch us again? You can go to Texas another day. Besides, we have a new member after who knows how long, you aren't even going to introduce yourself? Shame on you!
Member 4: UGH! Fine I will come! Only for that new member.
Member 4: Just canceled my plane ticket.
Member 5: I was going to stay at my aunts for a few days more, but guess I will come a bit earlier.
Member 6: I will come too.
Member 1 (Admin): Great!! All of us are gonna meet up again for the first time in a while. Looks like we will have to thank our new member for that. Anyways, remember it's Hoxdon liebery at 11:00 am, Saturday.
I set my phone down, feeling resigned once again. I moved backward toward the sofa. Wanting to turn back time to yesterday morning. I sat on the couch for a long time, my elbows resting on my knees as I buried my face in my hands. My shoulders curled inward, as if I could mmake myself smaller, invisible. The soft fabric of my sweater brushed against my cheeks, and I stayed like that for as long as my thoughts held me captive.
How am I supposed to leave now? I should've said that I was leaving the moment I saw that dang notification. Someone even canceled their trip because of me. Someone thanked me. Someone is coming back from their aunts earlier for me. Simply because they have a new member after a long time. And that new member had to have been me of all people. Of all 8.2 billion people it HAD to be me.
Suddenly a notification sound came from my phone again. The amount of times a notification sound came from my phone since yesterday should have surpassed the amount of times I heard a notification my whole life by now. I cautiously picked up the phone and checked, fully preparing myself for something bad. And just as I guessed, there's a new message from Readersmeet.
Member 2: Mr. Admin, didn't you say you somehow got an exclusive book set? Since we have a new member after such a long time, why don't you bring that set on Saturday? So that the new member won't leave the club later saying we aren't welcoming.
I sighed for the nth time after reading that. It seems the universe has decided that they won't let anything go the way I want anymore; and honestly, I am way too tired to even care. At that moment, for whatever reason, I remembered a very random memory.
It was when I met with Mr. Han physically for the 4th time. He told me to sit in the general waiting area because waiting in a shared space, even for a few minutes, can help gradually desensitize people with anthropophobia to being around people in a low-pressure way.
I still remember it vividly. I stayed in the corner of the room, curling myself to be as unnoticeable as I can. My heart hammering at every laugh and footstep. People always felt like a storm I couldn't control. Yet... when I saw her, a random stranger, spill her coffee, my chest ached. I couldn't move closer, the fear was too loud-but I stayed, ready to hand her a napkin, my hands trembling. I cared. Even when fear made me want to vanish, caring pulled me back.
Fear can coexist with empathy, concern, and even love-a person with anthropophobia, like me-might dread social interactions yet still show concern for a stranger. Someone can fear people, but still care deeply about them. The human mind really is something I would never be able to understand.