My mind swims in and out of focus as I walk, the pain still clung to me and my vision blurs but still, I walk. Knowing life will return to normal soon fills me with anxiety. I know this information, how the Eclipse were wiped out and how the seven built their kingdom atop ashes and lies, but what can I do? I wouldn't ask Seras or Rell to help, it was their ancestors who helped annihilate them.
''Look alive.'' Rell speaks softly. ''You're about to witness civilisation.''
I frown, look over at him as he walks with a spring in his step next to me. ''We're only just getting to the lake, no one is here.'' I replied.
''I know, but I'm just pretending we're somewhere nicer.'' Rell smirks.
I forced myself to look up properly, the rhythm of footsteps was out of time, feet dragged against stone and the horses hooves made a clip clop sound over the stone. The water of the lake looked calm, cold and almost still, the far shore was hidden by a low mist and the rest of the group slowed down a little, drawn to the sight. After days of oppressive trees and stifling air, the openness felt like a breath we have all forgotten to take.
We stopped by the water's edge. The moment the horses stopped and Instructor Athea called a halt, Lira was suddenly at my side, her expression sharp but tired. She didn't waste time.
''I noticed since we left you've just been dragged along, you're not aware of your surroundings or what is really going on. The Beasthold members who left days ago to scout never returned, or the ones who went to find them. Their captain is dead and the niece of the headmaster of the academy. It is not your fault, I was in shock and was just blaming you for my own weaknesses, I'm sorry Veyrin. Whatever you need, just ask me.'' Lira says, with a smile that looks too sorrowful to be happy.
I thank her for her honesty, not that it helps the guilt eating my insides. Lira hesitates before adding. ''Seras has not left your side since we set off, making sure you're walking straight.''
I turn slightly, Seras stands by a flat stretch of rock near the water, her arms crossed and eyes scanning the shore. When she catches me looking, she raises an eyebrow as if daring me to point out her concern. Lira's voice lowered.
''Just because she hides it, does not mean she does not care, Veyrin. I can see how you look at her.''
I-I don't know what you mean, her and me? It would never happen, even if I had a Lightscar I still wouldn't be enough for someone like her.'' I replied.
Lira leaves me to breathe for a moment, I feel a strange tightness in my chest. Gratitude. Guilt. Fear. All of it tangles together. It's like trying to breathe through water, something sweet and sickening at the same time. Rell takes Lira's spot next to me as soon as she leaves, squatting next to me with his usual crooked smile.
''You look less dead, I would say that's an improvement.'' Rell says.
I stare at the lake, unable to match his smile. ''Rell… If I had just stayed at the academy, none of this would have happened. The dead would still be breathing, and everyone would be happier.'' I muster the words with shaky hands. Rell frowns ''Hey, stop that.''
''It would have been easier if I just stayed invisible, bowing and doing what Scarless are meant to be doing. Not… this. Not being responsible for death and misery. Not needing to be saved because I'm weak.'' I swallowed.
Rell shook his head firmly. ''You are not responsible for any of that, you didn't choose any of that, it is not your fault. The monsters chose it, the forest, chose it. The damn world chose it. You haven't done a single thing apart from bleed on me a little too much.''
Seras sits beside me, her eyes still on the water and her arms folded. ''You didn't drag anyone into the forest, you didn't summon anything, you did not kill anyone. You survived. Sometimes that is the only thing you can do.'' Seras affirmed.
Rell speaks up after Seras. ''Exactly, you didn't force anyone into the forest, you were dragged here along with us. No one could have known about it, it was a risk we all took coming here and yeah, shit happens. But do not blame yourself for things out of your control.''
The words seem to ease me a little, but the doubt is still there. I know something weird is going on and I'm involved. Why am I seeing the past? How did I stumble into the home of the Lighteaters just before a creature capable of such atrocity appears and why did my shadows move to help bring it down? I wonder if the book has any more answers. The book… Where is it? Panic shoots through my body as I ignore the pain frantically checking my satchel for it.
''If you're looking for that weird book you had, I have it. You can have it back once you explain what it is and why you need it so desperately.'' Rell challenges.
Relief floods my body and soul, I still have it. Rell picked it up for me. I ask for it back but he's reluctant to keep it until I tell both him and Seras why I'm so desperate to get it back. I can't, not yet. I guess I will have to be without it until we're back in crownspire. I can't speak here, not with the chance of people over hearing me and me already being blamed for the horrific events over the past days. I agree with Rell, once we return and we can be alone, I will speak and tell them the truth. The truth I alone know