"You do not revolt me. We are just unfamiliar with each other. It will take time for us to be close, we did agree to that before, didn't we?"
"How much time do you need, Day!?" Marcus shouts, his voice booming in the small space in the car. "I have given you so much time, so much understanding that I could be named the most patient, most understanding man in the world! And you still need it? What the fuck?"
"Marcus-" a tiny part of his brain is starting to get panicked. "I still don't know you-"
"What!?" Marcus cuts him off with an incredulous stare and snorts. "You don't know me? We have known each other since we were kids, Day! Are you high on your meds right now?"
"We don't- please slow down," of course, he doesn't listen to him. "I'm just saying that I don't know you like your friends do," Day hugs his arms close to his body, making himself even smaller.
"Yeah, we would need to spend time for us to be that close. The time that you claim you want, but not to be with me, but apart from me. Unless you have some sort of superpower I don't know about, I don't see how you plan on knowing me when I am apart from you."
"That's not true. You know I would do anything to know you. I do want you – us- to be closer. I am sorry I made it seem otherwise; it's just… It's all too much, I am getting overwhelmed," Day says with a small voice, breaking, and he realizes he is crying.
Marcus seems to realize that, too, and his demeanor instantly shifts, getting calmer but still sharp, doing nothing to ease Day at all.
"I'm sorry, babe, I didn't- I didn't mean to make you scared. Don't be scared," he slows the car down, one hand touching his thigh. He tries not to flinch, really, he does
But Marcus still sees it. He doesn't pull away, instead wrapping his fingers almost painfully before he looks ahead again, teeth clenched.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I know."
They don't speak the rest of the way until Marcus is parking and Day realizes they have reached the school. He doesn't dare move, the heaviness of the palm pinning him in place.
"I can't do this."
"What?" Day looks at him with a panicked expression.
"I can't be with someone who doesn't like me. I have feelings too. I feel like a jerk trying to take advantage of you whenever I try touching you, and you act like I am trying to-" Marcus removes his hand and closes his eyes, head falling on the wheel. "I have liked you for a long, long time. To see that my feelings aren't reciprocated, even a fraction hurts."
"I- I-"
"You don't even know what to say because I know I have always been a ticket to you for moving away. I have always been there just to be used by you. I have only seen you, wanted and admired you from afar, and never have you looked at me once. I wait for you to show that you feel something for me, ask me something, but I don't exist outside your needs."
"That's not true."
As much as they have their differences, Marcus has been the only friend Day has ever had. The only person who could make him laugh, make him feel like he wasn't just floating and fading away slowly. Marcus has been a big part of his growing up. Still is a big part of his life. They are intended for God's sake.
They are going to be married and live together forever.
"You exist outside my needs, Marcus. You mean a lot to me, I just suck at showing you how much I care about you."
Marcus doesn't say anything, doesn't look up either, and Day removes his sunglasses, sniffing before he looks at the boy next to him. "I do like you, and I know I haven't been very good of a boyfriend to you. I am sorry, Marcus."
"You do?" he tilts his head, and his eyes meet Day's. "You like me?"
He nods.
"I don't feel it," Marcus whispers, turning away, but Day can't- he can take another person turning away from him. he can't take another emotional roller-coaster today. So he reaches out and holds his hand.
"Can I- can I hug you?"
They have never hugged, save for the light side hugs that meant nothing. Impersonal.
"I don't know, Day," Marcus exhales as he sits up and looks outside. "I have taken enough rejections to last me a lifetime from you."
"We have never really crossed the physical line. It's hard for me to want to be touched or even held. You know this."
"I thought it would be different with me," he whispers. "That you were comfortable with me, with me being your boyfriend and all."
"I want to try it. I want to hug you right now; does that not count?"
"I don't know, Day, does it?"
He doesn't want to fight with him. he really just wants to go to his class and let time pass so that he will be back home again. So he does what he can.
Day is barely aware of himself by the time he is on Marcus's lap, as much as he can with the minimal space. Marcus is looking at him calmly, too, not touching him until he hesitantly touches his shoulders.
It feels wrong.
Everything feels wrong with Marcus, but Day can't afford to think of it; he can't think of where he is, or he will puke, and he hasn't even eaten anything for a day. So he shuts his eyes and wills himself to stay still, even when he feels arms wrap around him, pulling him closer until they are chest to chest.
Hugging.
Or the tense version of it.
He can feel his breath on his neck, and his shoulders bunch up, trying to get away, but Marcus doesn't let go, he doesn't pull away, and instead, presses his nose there, inhaling before his lips touch it, and then starts kissing his jawline, softly.
It all feels wrong.
By the time Marcus hovers on his lips, he is so tense, his body taut like he is going through physical pain. Then the kiss happens, and that's when it all breaks.
Day suddenly pushes Marcus away, whimpering and curling on himself as he falls on the seat, wanting to get far, far away from him.
His whole body is shaking.
"unfucking believable," Marcus snarls as he gets out of the car, angrily.
When he hears the car door being yanked open on his side, almost tipping him over the sidewalk, he looks up, teary-eyed. "M-Marcus, I am so sorry-"
"Save it," Marcus is livid. "Just get out, I am done with this."
"I- I don't know- I didn't-"
"I said get out."
"Please don't be mad! Please?"
"I want to actually make it in my class Day. Not everyone can afford to miss classes and live in la la land like you. I don't have that privilege, and I do have responsibilities too, unlike you. So, get out."
"Marcus-"
Marcus looks like he is about to drag him out, so Day gathers his things and gets out, feeling ten times worse than he already felt before he got in.
Marcus slams the car door so hard that it draws attention from the students hanging around and walking.
"Make sure to call your driver to take you home. I am going to stay late, and I can't drive you back," he says as he walks back to his car.
"Marcus, I am sorry."
"No, you are not," is all he hears before the Porsche is speeding off.