The next dawn I went to her room. I expected her to be sleeping. Waking her up before telling would be a good thing. That would probably make her feel that I wasn't planning this all along.
Only to my surprise, she was already awake. Sitting too straight ,trying to find the unrisen sun in the blue hour.
The more surprising than that, her door was already open. It being unlocked felt louder than any scream.
While I entered the room, all I could see was her back. She slightly tilted her head back, enough for me to see her eyebrows brushed in the blue light,"I expected you all along."
She said as if my arrival had already happened in her head.
My heart skipped a bit, just one big beat driven my fear, some part of it was admiration as well.
The ancient music was playing, enough to make you feel it strange and scary. But the strangeness didn't unsettle me. I've always found comfort in quiet wrongness.
She said silently like a whisper even though she was far from me,"Come sit by me." I went ahead. There she was, the flickering light of lanterns all around her, decorated with weird spirals just like her dress, brushed a golden light on the blackish navy atmosphere.
I sat beside her. Her gaze didn't spare the falling moon like mine didn't spare her eyes. She asked,"Why are you here?" I stumbled upon my words.
"Am I scaring you?" She whispered leaning closer.
"No,never." She smiled saying,"Those were the only words you said without stumbling. So I'll assume they are true."
"Why this setting?" I asked. "To make the moments special. And safer."
"Safer?" "My brother was still alive in this blue hour,music was still going."
"So,this hour feels safe to you? I asked her softly. "Yes,like the dead hasn't yet been discovered." She replied.
Those words lift off my suspicions to a great extent. I always suspected Chen for the murder due to her rebellion. But she wasn't.
"You still didn't say why you were here?" She asked with a smile.
"I wanted to talk about what you said and did." I said with a straight gaze held tight to her face.
"Rebellion." She didn't ask,just answered.
"Yes, you were right."
"I know I was but they forgave me. I should respect them."
"Respect who hurt you?"
"It might be hard for you to understand but according to this country's norms, I'm suppo–"
"Let the norms f**k themselves. Are norms always right on the first place?"
"Does my opinion even matter?"
"So does theirs matter? Just because they are in power?"
"I do–"
"What if they had been in your position? Then?"
"Had they been in my position they would've already been DEAD!" She yelled standing up."They might be wrong or right... but they forgave me."
"They forgave you," I said. "Not because you were right or wrong... but because you lost."
She looked at me with disappointment.
"But does their forgiveness justify; their imposing of wrong norms?" I added with a lowered voice.
She sat down again,defeated. She sat the way a blade rests after cutting, still sharp, just no longer moving.
"So now you want me to do another rebel?" She said in a slow voice. "Use me for your needs?" She said looking at me with sadness and hope at the same time.
"No." I said while looking at the floor exhaling. "I want you to be you. Live not wearing the mask of a polished palace doll but–" I looked straight at her shaking eyes," as a symbol of power like you truly are."
She was shaking,"You–you a–"
"Did I tell you what you buried inside with meditation?" I said holding her cold hands. Her hands were cold in the way people get when they've learned not to reach for things.
The warmth of my hand went into hers. "I didn't lose the throne," she said quietly. "I lost the right to the desire of wanting it,the power."
"It's not desire of power but wish of equality." I said while putting my sweater on her. I covered her not to protect her from the cold — but from the version of herself she was trying to bury.
I stood and asked,"You are better than your brother. Would you have rebelled if you were weaker?"
"No." She said looking away without meeting my gaze.
For a moment,the comfort filled with strangeness was replaced with closeness and understanding.
I left the room in silence. Looked back at her while going,then turned and went into the dark of the corridors.
The corridors with cold marble floor finally stopped treating me as a stranger. The darkness felt like...home.
I went to Dannyal's room to inform him. He gave me his room's keys so I didn't had to bother about knocking.
Upon entering, I saw Shuying. I stood there in silence.
Never thought her as a threat but the way they were leaning on each other in the balcony made me thought, what if Dannyal stays here?
I wasn't afraid of losing him.
I was afraid of letting him become like me.
Someone who thinks peace might rust her.
Life with Shuying would be boring, an average life, sleep at the same place, wake up, eat, smile, then die. But importantly,it would be peaceful, no tension or threat.
The life I am choosing is fun, travel, see wonders, eat various foods. But it isn't peaceful. There could be nights passed in tension under the continuous threat of getting killed.
If he chooses to stay with her, I won't be able to say anything...more like I won't say anything.
At that moment, I felt more sad that scared. What am I putting Dannyal through? Doesn't he deserve peace?
I chose to protect Shuying — not because she needed it, but because Dannyal did. He deserves to keep blushing.
Dannyal looked back seeing me stand there in silence looking down. He walked up to me,"You woke up this early?" He said with that same brightened smile.
I looked at him with a tired face. Didn't feel like telling him about Chen would be such a great thing to do in this vibe.
"You look tired, wanna sit with us? She brought some of your favorite sweets."
"Yeah,sure."
He made me sit on the balcony and offered the sweets.
Something clicked in my head, I asked Shuying,"Do you know politics?"
"No,why?"
"There's that topic about Qianlong that I had to read about."
"You can get the books from the library. "
"I checked but seems like it will be in the royal library."
"But going to the royal library is banned. None has gone there for ages." Shuying said with a tilted head.
Dannyal said leaning with a smile,"Won't you help her for me?"
"Yes, I will. Not only for you but also for her honest ambition." She said leaning towards him as well with a smile.
The next morning, Shuying and I crept silently to get to the royal library. But the thing is I didn't know if the library even had the answers.