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"Damn it, what are these things?!" Maverick yelled, reloading his Glock. "Why are they smiling like that?! It's unnatural!"
"I don't know!" Ryu screamed back, ducking behind the café counter as a massive sailor-man smashed a table to splinters. "It's like The Joker had a baby with Popeye!"
The café was a war zone.
The three Mass-Produced Sailors had burst in like a wrecking ball. They were grotesque caricatures of men—bulging muscles, square jaws, and that fixed, demonic grin that stretched from ear to ear. The barcode on their foreheads glowed ominously: [MASS PRODUCED].
They didn't attack immediately. Instead, they grabbed the terrified NPCs—the barista, the waiter, a couple on a date—and slung them over their shoulders like sacks of flour.
"PROTEIN!" they roared in unison.
"Saber!" Maverick shouted.
Saber (Maverick's Artoria) didn't hesitate. She swallowed the last bite of her strawberry shortcake (priorities), and in a flash of silver light, her armor materialized over her casual clothes.
"Villains!" she cried. "Releasing hostages is the first rule of engagement!"
Lancer Alter (Ryu's Artoria) sighed, standing up and summoning her dark lance, Rhongomyniad. "So noisy. I suppose I'll have to clean up the trash."
The two Artorias charged. Saber wielded her invisible sword, Lancer wielded her black lance. They slammed into the three Sailors, driving them out of the café and into the street.
The café was suddenly quiet, save for the sound of magical explosions outside.
Maverick and Ryu were left alone in the wreckage.
Maverick leveled his Glock at Ryu.
Ryu blinked, raising his hands. "Woah! Easy! We're allies!"
Maverick hesitated, then lowered the gun. "Right. Sorry. Reflex. I thought you were going to backstab me while Saber was distracted."
"Dude," Ryu panted, wiping sweat from his forehead. "If I wanted to kill you, I would have done it while you were eating cake. Besides... what are those things?"
"They look like Servants," Maverick analyzed. "But there are three of them. And they're weak. Saber pushed them back instantly."
"Maybe a Noble Phantasm?" Ryu guessed. "Clones? Like Hundred-Faced Hassan? But they're so... ugly."
"And why are they kidnapping NPCs?" Maverick asked, looking at the broken window where the barista had been dragged out. "Usually Servants kill people to harvest mana. But kidnapping? That's new."
They stood there, confused. The sounds of battle outside were drifting further away. Saber and Lancer were chasing the Sailors down the street.
"We should go help them," Maverick said, stepping toward the door.
THUD.
A heavy, wet sound came from the back of the café.
Maverick and Ryu froze. They slowly turned around.
The back door—a sturdy wooden exit led to the alley—shuddered.
THUD.
Something hit it again. Hard.
Then, a blade punched through the wood.
It was a boarding axe. Rusty and jagged. It carved through the door like it was cardboard.
CRUNCH.
The axe was pulled back. Then it swung again.
CRUNCH.
A hole appeared in the wood. A dark, jagged hole that looked like a wound.
Maverick's heart hammered in his chest. "Ryu... do you have a gun?"
"Just my Contender," Ryu whispered, his voice trembling. "One shot. That's it."
The axe stopped. Silence fell over the café. A heavy, oppressive silence.
Maverick raised his Glock. His hands were shaking. He didn't know why he was so scared. He had fought Servants before. But this felt... different. It felt like a horror movie.
Then, a face appeared in the hole.
It was huge. A beard shaped like an anchor. Teeth that were too white, too perfect. And eyes that were wide, manic, and rolling in their sockets.
A gust of wind blew through the broken front window, lifting the paper talisman that had been stuck to the man's forehead.
The face grinned. It was a grin that defied anatomy. It stretched wider and wider until it seemed to split his face in half.
"HERE'S COLUMBUS!"
(Author's Note: Imagine the "Here's Johnny!" scene from The Shining, but with Christopher Columbus's face distorted into a nightmare.)
"AHHHHHHH!" "AHHHHHHH!"
Maverick and Ryu screamed. It wasn't a manly battle cry. It was a high-pitched, marmot-like shriek of pure terror.
They clutched each other like frightened children.
[Chat]:[Rip_Headphones]: MY EARS! [Nightmare_Fuel]: WHAT IS THAT?! [History_Nerd]: Is that... Christopher Columbus?! Why does he look like a demon?! [KekW]: The Shining reference! LMAO! [Scaredy_Cat]: I am watching this under my blanket and I am terrified. [Lore_Master]: Why are there talismans on his face? Is he a Jiangshi?
The massive man—Columbus (Mass Produced)—kicked the door down. It shattered into splinters.
He stepped into the café. He was huge, easily seven feet tall, wearing the same tight sailor outfit as the others. He drew a rusty cutlass from his belt.
"DREAMS!" Columbus roared, drool dripping from his manic grin. "I SMELL DREAMS! AND SLAVES!"
He lunged at them.
"SHOOT HIM!" Maverick screamed.
"I'M TRYING!" Ryu yelled.
They opened fire.
BANG! BANG! BANG!BOOM.
Maverick dumped his entire mag. Ryu fired his single, high-powered Origin Round.
They expected the bullets to bounce off. Servants were immune to non-magical attacks, usually.
But something unexpected happened.
The bullets hit.
Blood sprayed. Columbus jerked back as the rounds tore into his massive chest. He tried to block with his cutlass, but he was too slow.
Ryu's Origin Round hit him square in the forehead.
Columbus froze. His grin faltered.
"My... dream..." he gurgled.
He collapsed face-first onto the floor. His body dissolved into golden dust instantly.
Maverick stood there, panting, his empty gun smoking.
"He... he died?" Maverick whispered. "Just like that?"
Ryu stared at the spot where the monster had been. "That was... easy. Too easy. He wasn't a Servant. Or he was a incredibly weak one."
"A grunt," Maverick realized. "A mob enemy."
They looked at each other, relief washing over them. It was just a weak mob. Scary, but weak.
"Okay," Maverick laughed nervously. "That was spooky. But we handled it."
"Yeah," Ryu chuckled. "We're fine. We're totally fine."
Then, they heard it.
From the alleyway behind the broken door. From the street outside the front window. From the vents in the ceiling.
It started as a low rumble, then grew into a roar.
"UH HAHAHAHAHAHA!" "UH HAHAHAHAHAHA!" "UH HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
It wasn't one voice. It was dozens. Maybe hundreds.
Red eyes began to glow in the darkness outside.
[Chat]:[Gamer_God]: Uh oh. [Zombie_Mode]: It's a horde mode! [Run]: RUN MAVERICK!
Maverick looked at Ryu. "Did you hear that?"
"Yeah," Ryu whispered, his face pale.
"That sounded like... a lot of them."
"Yeah."
"We should probably run."
"Yeah."
They turned and sprinted for the front door, just as a sea of smiling, muscle-bound sailors flooded into the street.
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