Kiana's face was so red you could probably use it as a traffic light's red signal—no electricity required.
Her "kneeling on the floor" humiliation pose had evolved into a defensive squat. She was clutching her twin braids, looking like she wanted to die.
It hurt. It hurt so much.
Even through the screen, Bai Qian could feel the shame aura—so thick you could drown in it.
Too tragic.
Genuinely too tragic.
And yet… Bai Qian's shoulders started shaking uncontrollably.
Sorry. It's awful, but—
"Hahahahahaha!"
The moment Kiana heard him laugh—remembering the culprit was still on stream and now bursting out laughing—she sprang up.
"Lao—DAAA!"
"Talk! You've got the guts to laugh out loud, you've got the guts to stop playing dead! I'm going to kill you! I'm definitely going to kill you—AAAAAH!"
Her roar kept going, so loud it nearly cracked Bai Qian's phone speaker.
Kiana clutched the phone, her delicate face almost smashed against the lens, tears still hanging at the corners of her eyes.
"Do you know what Mei looked at me like?! Do you?!"
"She looked at me like I was a stray dog—pitiful, but mentally not okay!"
"It's over. It's all over…"
Kiana let go and collapsed backward, sprawled on the freezing hallway floor, empty-eyed, staring at the ceiling.
[Pointy-Hat Lady]: I haven't laughed in ages.
[Pointy-Hat Lady]: Even in a swapped body, getting to see this show is an unexpected delight.
[Dragon Sis Is Dragon]: I don't understand this special social etiquette, but Miss Kiana's psychological resilience is… impressive.
[Tohsaka Rin]: That's not resilience—that's broken.
[Legendary Fireproof King]: So this is the flame called embarrassment?
Bai Qian watched the chat scroll, inhaled deeply, and forced the laughter back down into his lungs.
He could not allow "laughing myself to death" to become reality.
Herta's body probably wouldn't literally die from laughter, but if he laughed again now, Kiana might genuinely crawl through the internet cable and bite him to death.
Bai Qian cleared his throat.
"Ahem. Kiana. Calm down. This really isn't my fault."
It wasn't.
Really.
Who could have predicted Kiana's CPU would throttle at the most critical moment?
His instruction was: 'Loudly say your name.'
Simple. Clear. Hot-blooded shounen protagonist energy.
And she yelled: 'My name is Phantom Thieves' Lao Da!'
Then what was he supposed to do?!
He tried to make his voice sound like a trustworthy adult. Or at least like a responsible partner-in-crime.
"Think about it—sure, the process was… unexpected… but the outcome was good!"
Kiana snapped her head up, blue eyes wide like bronze bells.
"Good my ass! Are you blind?! She ran away! She ran away looking at me like I'm insane! She even told me to go to the infirmary! She thinks my brain is broken!"
"Then let the group judge fairly," Bai Qian said, launching into confident nonsense with a straight face.
"Let everyone see if my coaching was the problem."
"Think! Who is Raiden Mei? A rich young lady. Even if her family's fallen, back then she was probably surrounded by boring people who only ever said 'Hello' and 'Good morning.' She's sick of that. So you have to act like a little lunatic—run circles around the school building and shout: 'I'm going to save the world! I'm going to save the world! Who wants to save the world with me?!' Her eyes will be captured, she'll leap down from the rooftop and join you to save the world!"
"This kind of person needs a touch of fantasy to rescue her from this pathetic life! You know what fantasy is? It's telling her: forget studying—let's break into someone's palace and change their heart! When you're most alone and hopeless, a door will open beside you. Raiden Mei has waited sixteen years—at her lowest moment, the door opens!"
He paused, then doubled down.
"I found a solution in your absolute disaster opening and even got her impression of you to improve a little—wasn't that the correct choice?"
"Kiana… are you sure this game isn't your fault?!"
[Dragon Sis Is Dragon]: I think Lao Da's command was fine.
[Tohsaka Rin]: Yeah, you're the one who randomly shouted that line at the end. Is this the world of the strong—sacrificing your social life just to be remembered?
[Tohsaka Rin]: Are you even human?
[AAA Customer Service Xiao Xiang]: …I got my pay deducted watching this stream. I kind of understand you now.
[Legendary Fireproof King]: Even a giant crab that learned human speech wouldn't say something like that.
Kiana froze.
Still holding her hair, she gaped like she was genuinely considering Bai Qian's absurd logic.
"…Was it really my fault?"
It did sort of feel that way… Bai Qian had meant well. All she had to do at the end was say, "My name is Kiana."
But her CPU had literally fried.
She could hear her brain shaking.
"Still," Bai Qian offered, "it's not all bad."
"Really?"
After several seconds, Kiana blinked. The redness faded a tiny bit—into the shade of a fully ripened tomato.
"Really!"
"She'll… she'll remember me?"
"Absolutely," Bai Qian said with certainty.
"Think about it—when she eats dinner, when she sleeps, even in her dreams, her brain will echo with that thunderous line: 'My name is Phantom Thieves' Lao Da!' Tell me that isn't powerful!"
"I knew it—!"
On-screen, Kiana covered her face.
A wail leaked out through her fingers.
"Waaah… how am I supposed to face Mei tomorrow?!"
[Dragon Sis Is Dragon]: Sometimes retreating is a valid choice. Regroup, then fight another day.
[Legendary Fireproof King]: I can share a trick—put on a hood and no one knows who you are. Very popular in the Lands Between.
[Tohsaka Rin]: It's not popular. Stop posting cursed images.
[Tohsaka Rin]: I'd want to die too… good luck.
[Tohsaka Rin]: But honestly, Mei is the one who's unlucky. Being targeted by someone who says things like "I want Mei-flavored instant noodles" and "I want campus springtime with Mei"… what did she ever do to you? Beat you up on the rooftop? Become your friend and then walk alone while carrying your entire life on her back?
Answer: she did both!
Bai Qian stared at the livestream.
The sun at the end of the corridor stretched Kiana's shadow long and thin.
The white-haired fluffball was curled into a pitiful lump.
Alright. The jokes were enough. She needed something constructive, or this paramecium might actually shoulder a train and flee overnight.
"Listen, Kiana." Bai Qian slowed down.
"If you run now and never approach her again, you truly lose. Yeah, you opened with… something earth-shattering… but you at least exchanged names. That's a breakthrough."
"Mei ran, sure, but she didn't reject you directly. She didn't call security. What does that mean?"
He didn't wait for an answer.
"It means she's a good person. And she's not actually repulsed by you, weird as you are. In the hellscape she's living in every day, you might be the one person who can make her feel a little better."
"Think: Raiden Mei's head is going to be full of that strange girl shouting 'I'm Lao Da' at the shoe lockers. From this moment on, you are no longer a faceless extra. You're an… indescribable existence!"
"Indescribable?!" Kiana finally pushed back, voice trembling with aggrieved sniffles. "That sounds like a monster!"
"That's an adjective!" Bai Qian cut in immediately, machine-gun fast, not letting her regain traction.
"It means you're unique!"
"But… but she told me to go to the infirmary…"
"That's concern!" Bai Qian declared, so loudly it nearly blew the mic.
"Think! If she truly hated you, would she care whether you went to the infirmary? This means she thinks your brain is a bit… but she's soft-hearted and doesn't want you wandering around 'sick.' That's your opening!"
Kiana's head shot up, blue eyes sparkling again like a puppy spotting a bone.
"R-really?"
"Truer than pure gold!"
[Pointy-Hat Lady]: …
[Pointy-Hat Lady]: I'm now convinced you'd be a perfect Masked Fool.
[Pointy-Hat Lady]: You've already led this kid's logic into a ditch.
[Tohsaka Rin]: Terrifying.
[Dragon Sis Is Dragon]: If Lao Da gave speeches, he could rouse anyone.
Kiana peeked through her fingers. "Really really? You're not laughing at me this time?"
"When have I ever lied to you?" Bai Qian said without blinking, like Kyubey luring an innocent girl into a contract.
"Trust me. I'm a professional."
Kiana sniffed and slowly stood up, dusting off her knees.
Her face still screamed I want to die, but that revived spark in her eyes couldn't be hidden.
This paramecium's greatest strength was her absurd vitality—give her sunlight and she'd photosynthesize, even if it was artificial light.
"So… what do I do next?" she asked the camera, still a bit miserable.
"I don't even dare imagine facing her tomorrow."
"Tomorrow's problems are for tomorrow." Bai Qian glanced at her feed—the sky on her side had gone fully dark.
"Tonight's mission is: go home, eat, sleep. Treat today's social death like a nightmare. Wake up and forget it. If you're not embarrassed, the embarrassed one is everyone else."
Sakiko was still lurking in silence—guess that "absence" warning hit hard. Hopefully she didn't get her wages cut.
"In short—retreat. Go fix your appearance. Your hairstyle is… distinctive, but maybe rein it in a little in front of Mei."
Kiana instinctively touched her braids, now a messy disaster. Her face reddened again—this time out of bashful embarrassment.
"O-Okay! I'll go back right now!"
She didn't even end the stream—just held the phone up and sprinted out of the school like a gust of wind.
The footage shook violently. Bai Qian saw random passerby faces flash by, and heard only wind and—
This girl's stamina was genuinely ridiculous.
After a dizzy tumble, the stream stabilized, pointing at a ceiling.
Kiana seemed to have face-planted into bed and tossed the phone aside. All he could hear was her muffled rolling and whining.
"Lao Da… thanks."
After a while, her voice came—muffled, probably with her face buried in a pillow.
"I really thought I was finished."
She'd realized it now: he really was trying to help her, not trick her into humiliating herself.
She wasn't dumb—she just didn't like thinking.
"It's fine. If I helped, that's good." Bai Qian rubbed his nose guiltily—thankfully Herta's nose wouldn't grow.
He paused, then couldn't stop himself.
"But next time, remember: don't shout my name. Shout yours."
"Got it—!" Kiana dragged the response out lazily, sounding fully energized again.
As long as you swing the hoe well, no corner can't be dug out.
Even if the corner is Raiden Mei.
Even if the hoe-swinger is Kiana Kaslana.
Bai Qian finally ended the stream and let out a long breath.
Conning idiots—no, guiding lost girls—was real labor.
He checked the group chat. Customer Service Xiao Xiang was still spamming crying stickers, clearly still bitter about getting pay docked over the stream.
Then the rustle of cloth came through again—the camera must've been tossed onto a bedsheet at an angle, crookedly aimed at one corner of the room.
"I can't win against you… seriously…"
Kiana's voice came out of the speaker, with a stubborn nasal tone. Quick footsteps moved to the other side of the room.
Bai Qian caught a glimpse of her back in a school uniform flickering at the edge of the frame.
"Nope. Brain won't turn anymore. Need energy before I come back to argue with you!"
This paramecium's initiative always showed up in the weirdest places.
Next came a refrigerator door opening—sharp in the silence.
Then—
"Shh—KAH!"
The violent crack of a soda tab.
Kiana returned to the camera.
Head tilted back, she chugged from a red can of cola. Her long neck formed a clean arc under the light.
She drank fast—her throat bobbing with each swallow. Condensation beaded and slid down the can to her fingertips.
"Gulp, gulp, gulp…"
Even the swallowing sounds were faithfully captured and amplified by the phone.
"Hah—! I'm alive again!"
She lowered the can and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
A fizzy burp escaped her.
Her expression finally relaxed.
Sugar really did reboot brains.
She raised her hand to end the call—finger hovering—
Then froze.
Those blue eyes blinked once.
Twice.
Her gaze tightened from unfocused to razor-sharp, pinned to the phone screen.
Silence fell. Only the half-finished cola hissed with bubbles.
Kiana maintained her "about to tap the screen" pose, brows drawing together.
She was thinking.
For her, that probably cost stamina.
Three seconds later—
The stream cut off completely.
But immediately afterward, the group chat popped up with new messages.
The typing speed was terrifying—nothing like the same girl who'd been rolling on the floor moments ago.
[AAA Customer Service Xiao Xiang]: ?
[AAA Customer Service Xiao Xiang]: Why did it go black all of a sudden? I just got off work and wanted to see what would happen… cough, never mind.
[Want Campus Springtime With Mei]: Lao Da.
[Want Campus Springtime With Mei]: Something's wrong. Very wrong!
[Want Campus Springtime With Mei]: I just remembered—
[Want Campus Springtime With Mei]: I've never said my name in the group! I've never mentioned Mei's family either! Lao↗ Da↘, why do you know everything so clearly? Why do you understand Mei's personality so well?! How do you know all this?!
-------
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