No Way, Right?
Lumine: Afraid of Cats? Don't Panic—I Have a Plan!
Nahida:What? The Wind God is gone? (doge.jpg)
Hu Tao:What? A new business opportunity?!
Lumine:Wind God assassinated—lock down the scene! (doge.jpg)
Ningguang:...
Paimon:Wind God assassinated—heat the oil! Wait… something feels off. (whisper.jpg)
Furina:Wind God assassinated—court trial activated! (doge.jpg)
Alice:Oh? And who exactly are you planning to put on trial?
Furina:Cough—of course Dvalin! The Wind God's familiar failed to protect him—death penalty! (doge.jpg)
Dvalin:...
Dvalin:Seriously? Then why not try Venti? Not only did he fail to protect Barbatos, he stole things in Inazuma! (serious.jpg)
Yae Miko:Wuuu~ Great Water God, we Inazumans demand justice~
Ayato:Ahem. Reasonable.
Ei:I agree. Execute immediately.
Furina:No problem, leave it to me! I hereby sentence Venti—multiple crimes—death penalty!
Venti:Objection! A "Bar" and a "Wen" are different surnames! He's not my kin! (doge.jpg)
Venti:I want a lawyer! Yanfei! Ehe~ help me!
Yanfei:Gladly.
Yanfei:My client has a point! "Bar" and "Wen" are not the same—no relation! (doge.jpg)
Yanfei:Thus, the accusation is invalid.
Yanfei:Furthermore, because the Wind God fell in Inazuma territory, Inazuma is responsible for negligence.
Yanfei:And Inazuma's baseless accusation has inflicted psychological damage on my client.
Yanfei:As such, emotional and financial compensation is required. (doge.jpg)
Ayato:...
Ei:...
Lumine:Impressive. The victim not only walks free, the prosecutors have to pay.
Paimon:As expected of Yanfei! Normal performance = acquittal. Full power = Water God goes to jail. (evil.jpg)
Furina:...
Furina:Ahem… I believe Venti is innocent. Let's trial Dvalin instead!
Dvalin:…17…
Dvalin:I want a lawyer!
Venti:Ehe~ too late! Yanfei is already under exclusive contract!
Neuvillette:Court—commence.
Furina:Death! Death! Execute now! (doge.jpg)
Dvalin:...
After the mock trial, Alice finally remembered her beloved daughter.
Alice:Sweetie, don't be sad. If the Wind God is gone, we'll just pick a new one! Then we'll have a Wind God again! (serious.jpg)
Jean: ...
Barbara: ...
Klee: Eh? R-Really? (confused.jpg)
Venti:Ehe~ exactly!
Lumine:Then the question is—who should we choose? (popcorn.jpg)
Dvalin:
I vote Venti! Barbatos is gone—Venti can take the mantle!
Venti:
Oh no no~ I'm just a simple drunkard. Only someone pure and adorable—like little Klee—can lead Mondstadt! I vote Klee! (doge.jpg)
Kaeya:
Agreed! No one more suited than Klee! (laugh.jpg)
Diona:
Klee doesn't drink. I approve!
Paimon:
Same here!
And so—
with one instigator and a whole chorus of chaos enthusiasts cheering—
Klee ascended the throne as "New Wind God."
Fire Vision?
Who cares?
The former Wind God stole dogs in Inazuma.
That set the bar pretty low.
Surely a Pyro Vision was acceptable.
Knights Confinement Room
Klee stared wide-eyed at the chat.
"K-Klee… is Wind God?"
She couldn't quite understand.
She blew him up.
And now she was his successor?
Was this… a War of the Gods?
Her tiny brain hurt for three seconds.
Then she got distracted.
If she was Wind God now…
Could she blow up fish anytime she wanted?
Her red eyes sparkled.
She grabbed her backpack and sprinted for the door.
"Brother Wood! Open up! I'm Wind God Klee!"
"..."
Anyone from another nation would be speechless.
The last Wind God didn't do his job.
The new one didn't either.
Freedom.
Maximum freedom.
Mondstadt was doomed.
Villa
Luo Chen read the barrage:
Nahida abdicates.
Barbatos becomes Dendro Archon.
Inazuma nearly sued and lost.
Klee becomes Wind God.
He stared.
"You guys really are geniuses."
"If HoYo didn't hire you for scriptwriting, they missed a fortune."
He laughed for a while—
then returned to business.
"After seeing the Wind God's daily slacking routine, you should now have a clear picture."
"There are many more incidents like this."
"We'll analyze them later."
"Now—let's move to the next non-serious critique."
The Fourth Critique — No Mora
"A fascinating one."
"But the timing isn't right."
"We'll save it for when we critique the other Archons together."
Transcendent Chat Group
Xiangling:No Mora? What does that mean?
Keqing:Venti having no money? Impossible.
Ayaka:He's a bard. He earns coins, doesn't he?
Lumine:
He earns money. Then spends it all on wine. So no Mora left.
Paimon:
Yes! We've treated him to drinks before!
Diluc:
Confirmed. He frequently cannot pay his tabs.
Kaeya:
See? Klee is superior. She earns 50 Mora a month. (doge.jpg)
Klee:Hehe~
Diona:Rumor confirmed.
Zhongli:
By common logic, yes—this is plausible.
Ei:A drunkard. Understandable.
Nahida:
But a national god having no Mora… is…
Navia:
A little bit pitiful.
Venti:
SLANDER! I have money! Look!
picture.jpg
Dvalin:
Those were given by the Knights recently…
Venti:
...
Mondstadt Streets
Jean sighed upon reading.
"Lisa, this won't do. We must establish a Wind God Relief Fund."
"No more Mora-less Wind Gods."
This was a matter of national dignity.
"A god with zero Mora—unacceptable."
Lisa smiled faintly.
"As you wish."
Then her gaze lifted toward the light-screen.
Timing isn't right?
Does that imply other gods… also lack Mora?
A disturbing thought.
Chat
Alice:
Wait. The narrator said timing is wrong because OTHER gods will be involved.
So you're saying other Archons also have no Mora? (evil.jpg)
Immediate backlash:
Ningguang:
Impossible! The Geo Archon created Mora!
Keqing:
Exactly! Mora is named after Morax! He cannot lack it!
Hu Tao:
That's like saying the God of Wisdom is unwise. Ridiculous!
Sara:
Our Shogun is not poor.
Nilou:
Nor the Dendro Archon.
Furina:
Ahahaha! As the most beloved star in Fontaine—OF COURSE I'm rich!
Childe:
The Northland Bank belongs to the Tsaritsa. No shortage there.
Venti:
Heh. This is the light-screen. It's never wrong.
"You mocked me."
"Let's see if YOU have Mora later."
Suddenly, the gods became uneasy.
If only Venti were broke—fine.
But if the Seven together couldn't produce a single Mora—
that would be catastrophic.
They discreetly placed Mora in front of them.
Heavy. reassuring.
Except—
one god.
Nahida stared at her "prison" surroundings.
Then at her empty, cleaner-than-clean pockets.
Her lips quivered.
She had nothing.
She remembered her earlier confidence.
And died inside.
"…the clown… is me."
Meanwhile—
Luo Chen announced the next critique:
The Fifth Critique — Afraid of Cats
"Yes."
"You heard correctly."
"Despite liking stockings, trickery, and slacking—despite having no Mora—"
"Barbatos fears cats."
"If a cat approaches—
or if he merely thinks of a cat—
he starts sneezing."
"That's why he avoids cats in Mondstadt."
"Unfortunately—
the cats love him."
"So—if you want to counter the Wind God—
just bring a cat."
Above Mondstadt
"Eh?"
"It revealed this too?"
Venti froze.
If he slacked off again—
what if someone used cats…
He immediately sneezed.
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
Dvalin stared.
"There's not even a cat here…"
"Is this for real?"
Wait.
If true, then—
Dvalin slowly smiled.
He had found his revenge.
Abyss Base
"What? He's afraid of cats?"
"Hahahahaha!"
The Abyss Prince burst out laughing.
The Seven… afraid of cats?!
More ridiculous than stealing dogs.
How did the ancient tyrant not notice?!
If he had—
history might look different.
But Aether composed himself.
"Remember this."
"Wind God—weak to cats."
"Our new weapon—kittens."
The Abyss members hesitated.
They were villains.
Owning kittens?
Didn't match the aesthetic.
Then they realized:
They were villains.
Aesthetic didn't matter.
Results did.
They imagined:
Wind God arrives.
They throw cats.
He panics—sneezes—flees.
Beautiful.
"Understood!"
"We shall raise cats!"
"For the Abyss!"
"Kyahahahaha—!"
Transcendent Chat Group
Lumine:Shocking! The Wind God fears cats! Moral collapse or human corruption?!
Charlotte:We're numb. New headline needed.
Lumine:Hehe~ I'll think of something.
Paimon:Never expected this! The bard who slacks and cons people fears CATS?
Xiangling:Cats are so cute! Why fear them?
Diona:So THAT'S why he never shows up in Cat's Tail!
Yae Miko:So Inazuma holds the ultimate weapon! (evil.jpg)
Yae:Right, Kirara? (smile.jpg)
Kokomi:
Kirara is a Nekomata—a pure cat spirit. Truly the Wind God's nemesis.
Ei:
Good point. Send Kirara to Mondstadt tomorrow.
Kirara:
W-wait, I'm just passing by! This has nothing to do with me, nya~! (shiver.jpg)
Alice:
Oh? Then Mondstadt, Liyue, and Fontaine also have counters! (doge.jpg)
Lumine:
Diona? Keqing? Lynette? (evil.jpg)
Diona:I'M NOT A CAT!
Keqing:
You want to taste my beef-noodle sword—no wait—what sword do I use again? (confused.jpg)
Lynette:
...
Venti was helpless.
These people.
Could they not be more like him?
A proper citizen?
He sighed.
Then—
Zhongli:
This does not seem like ordinary fear.
Sneezing at the mere thought implies something deeper.
Lumine:
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Venti:
Oh? Tell me more! (expectant.jpg)
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