Stop Calling Me Cocolamb!
"Okay, Cocolamb."
"No problem, Wang Xiaomei."
The moment the words fell—
Shuu—!
A bottle of coconut milk identical to the one shown in the earlier video appeared on the Gourmet Tablecloth.
This time, there was no issue.
"Nice! It worked!"
Paimon's face lit up the instant she saw it. She immediately snatched it up and began drinking.
"Mmm—! So good!"
"No wonder it has six thousand years of history!"
After savoring the cold, smooth sweetness, Paimon's eyes sparkled like stars.
She thought it would taste mediocre since the brand was made up.
Never expected it to be this delicious!
Without wasting another second, she gulped it down rapidly.
"Is it really that good?"
Aether looked doubtful.
She really didn't believe it.
She reached out to try one herself.
"Gourmet Tablecloth, I want a coconut milk exactly like the one in the video."
…
Nothing happened.
Aether froze.
Maybe I said it wrong.
She tried again.
Still nothing.
"…What? Why isn't it working?"
Aether frowned in confusion.
"Obviously because your head is full of that other type of coconut milk!"
Paimon rolled her eyes as she licked the remaining sweetness from her lips.
"No way."
"How… how could I be thinking of something like that?"
Aether did not accept the accusation.
Paimon quietly gave her a dead-fish stare.
If there's someone who'd think crooked thoughts, it's definitely you, Miss "I punch gods and flirt with trouble"!
But after suffering too many "losses" earlier today, Paimon didn't dare tease Aether directly.
So she simply turned back to the Tablecloth.
"Gourmet Tablecloth, I want coconut milk made with real coconut juice and goat's milk, exactly like in the video!"
Shuu—!
Two bottles appeared at once.
"Here."
Paimon handed one over.
"Hmph~"
Aether wrinkled her nose cutely but didn't refuse.
She opened it and took a sip—
"…Huh?"
"It's actually really good?"
She stared at the bottle in shock.
Suddenly—
An idea struck her so hard her eyes lit up.
A business idea.
She instantly put down the bottle and started packing her bag.
"Aether? What are you doing?"
Paimon hugged her coconut milk tightly and blinked.
"We're going to Liyue."
"???"
"We'll work with Ganyu to open a shop!"
"She provides the funding, the staff, and the location—"
"I provide the coconut milk."
"Then we grow big, go global, dominate the food market!"
Aether waved her fist confidently.
This business can't possibly fail!
Genius!
Why be a wandering adventurer when she could lie down and let the Mora roll in?
Paimon's eyes widened.
She hesitated for half a second…
Then slammed the rest of her coconut milk in one gulp and started helping Aether pack.
Mora is calling them.
Liyue Harbor — Wangsheng Funeral Parlor
"…Guest Consultant, what if we made a special packaging and hired brand ambassadors?"
Hu Tao tapped her chin thoughtfully.
This idea…
This idea was dangerously good.
She had always advertised alone, with simple slogans.
But compared to Ganyu's coconut-milk commercial?
Her marketing was primitive!
Zhongli nearly dropped his teacup.
The Hall Master is starting trouble again…
But instead of shutting her down, he asked calmly:
"And how do you plan to proceed, Hall Master?"
"Simple!"
"First we make wooden-tag packaging!"
Hu Tao's eyes brightened as Zhongli responded.
"We can print things like 'Wangsheng, 3700 years of professional funeral service!' or 'Authentic Wangsheng Wooden Tags,' or 'Freshly Made Wooden Tags!'"
Zhongli silently questioned:
Since when do wooden tags have "freshness"…?
But Hu Tao was on a roll.
"Then, after creating the packaging, we hire big-name endorsers!"
"Ningguang and Keqing are hard to hire, Ganyu might be shy…"
"Beidou maybe."
"Qiqi… hmm. That's tricky."
"If none of them work, let's get the Traveler!"
"She's famous! Give her a few Primogems—she'll agree!"
"...…"
Hu Tao sighed dramatically.
"What a pity we can't get the God of Contracts himself."
"If Rex Lapis endorsed our funeral parlor, business would explode."
Cough!!
Zhongli immediately choked on his tea.
"Guest Consultant? You okay?"
Hu Tao rushed over.
"…It's nothing."
He couldn't exactly tell her:
I AM Rex Lapis.
After a pause, he offered:
"Hall Master, perhaps another approach."
"When the light curtain eventually evaluates you, you can promote Wangsheng during that time."
"Even sending a donation will make your message appear in bright colors across the screen."
"That will be the best possible exposure."
"Wow! Good idea!!"
Hu Tao's eyes sparkled.
Not bad, Guest Consultant!
Totally worth covering your old debt!
She immediately began calculating future marketing plans.
Zhongli just sighed helplessly.
Villa — Light Curtain Viewer
While the video played, Arthur watched with interest.
When it ended, he smacked his lips.
"…Still missing a little of the original essence."
But he couldn't help it.
He already edited as far as he could without crossing a line.
As the video ended, he closed it and addressed the stream:
"Now that we've learned about Ganyu's titles, let's move on to her artistic talent."
"Not-so-serious Evaluation, No.5 — Singing!"
Liyue — Jade Chamber
"Singing?"
"Ganyu, you can sing?"
Ningguang raised an eyebrow.
"I… can't."
Ganyu shook her head quickly.
Her entire life was work.
Where would she find time to sing?
Then—a horrible thought struck her.
"Wait… Don't tell me it's like Keqing's single, 'My Roasted Offal'...?!"
Keqing's face immediately darkened.
Her traumatic memories rose from the grave to choke her once more.
Supernatural Chat Group
Everyone chattered excitedly.
Hu Tao, Yunjin, Ayaka, Barbara, even the Archons—
All wondering whether Ganyu's "single" would be elegant like Barbara's
or overwhelming like Keqing's chaotic anthem.
Keqing: "..."
Ganyu, trembling: "Can I choose not to play mine?"
Everyone else: "NO."
Villa — Stream
Seeing the viewers' excitement, Arthur smirked.
He pressed play.
The title appeared:
"I'm Really Not a Goat"
Soft, lively music began.
The Song
"Teyvat, Liyue Harbor,
A little zombie, searching for coconut sheep…
She is doomed… to be disappointed.
Ice qilin, not a goat—
I'm really not a goat—
'Wang Xiaomei' is just what the Traveler imagined~~
Sometimes I feel someone staring~~
A chilly breeze behind my back~~
Any trouble? Leave it to me.
Don't carry the burden alone.
Even if work at Yuehai Pavilion is endless,
Its duty keeps me strong.
Quietly guarding the moonlit seas,
Following waves of frost—
Just… stop calling me Cocolamb~~"
Ganyu's gentle, soothing voice flowed like a mountain spring.
The viewers fell silent.
Then—melted completely.
Two minutes later, the song ended.
Mount Aozang
"Wonderful!"
"I never knew the child could sing!"
Cloud Retainer bobbed her head to the beat, thoroughly impressed.
Even Shenhe quietly nodded.
Compared to Keqing's "offal anthem," this was heavenly.
Cloud Retainer suddenly slapped her thigh.
"How did I not discover this talent when she was young?!"
"If she had trained earlier, perhaps…"
Shenhe remained silent but thought:
If Ganyu had practiced singing as a child… Master would have even more embarrassing stories to share.
Mondstadt — Streets
Aether and Paimon, halfway packed for Liyue, were now walking toward the Knights' Headquarters to notify Jean.
Paimon hummed with joy.
"Aether! Ganyu sings so well!"
"Yeah."
"Honestly, ignore the 'I'm not a goat' part—everything else feels almost too proper."
Then Paimon's eyes sparkled mischievously.
"Hey, if Keqing can grill offal and sing, Ganyu can sing in our coconut-milk shop too!"
"Better yet!"
"We invite Alice's idol group! Big crowds guaranteed! Mora guaranteed!"
Aether stopped walking.
Slowly turned to Paimon.
Thumbs up.
"Tonight, you get two drumsticks."
"Hehehe~!"
Liyue — Jade Chamber
"This… this is my song?"
Ganyu had been braced for disaster.
But after listening—
She felt relieved instead.
The lyrics were strange, yes.
But the melody was lovely.
Her voice sounded beautiful.
She actually… liked it.
On the other side, Keqing stared with soul-crushing jealousy.
"WHY?!"
Why was Ganyu's song so good?!
Why was hers pure chaos?!
Ningguang gently patted her shoulder.
"Isn't it obvious?"
"The light curtain prefers Ganyu more."
Keqing fell into emotional ruins.
Ganyu, however, quietly blushed.
He prefers me…?
Thinking this, she smiled—
Then remembered her humiliating childhood scenes.
Her smile froze instantly.
Supernatural Chat Group
The whole group exploded.
Praise for Ganyu's voice.
Teasing about "Cocolamb."
Barbara threatening Aether with the "Sky AK-47."
Cloud Retainer offering voice lessons.
Alice trying to recruit Ganyu.
Everyone bullying Keqing again.
And then—
Ganyu:
Ms. Alice, I still need to work. And the song belongs to the light curtain—I don't actually know how to sing it.
Alice:
It's okay, little Cocolamb! You can learn slowly!
Ganyu:
Please stop calling me Cocolamb…
Alice:
Okay, Cocolamb~
Aether:
No problem, Cocolamb~
Venti:
Alright then, Wang Xiaomei~
Furina:
No problem, Wang Xiaomei~
Yae Miko:
"My my~ You're all so cruel. Unlike me—
I would only cherish dear Ganyu~"
Ganyu:
"…Please stop…"
Villa
Arthur watched the barrage of reactions and laughed.
After a full day of chaos, he closed the stream.
"And that concludes today's evaluations for Keqing and Ganyu."
"I'll upload today's stream shortly."
"Tomorrow, same time, we continue with the next set of character evaluations."
"Look forward to it~"
He ended the broadcast.
"Yesterday Jean and Barbara received a Sacred Oath Claymore and an enhanced Sky AK-47…"
"I wonder what Keqing and Ganyu will get this time?"
He rubbed his chin.
He would find out soon.
For now—
He needed to start editing the day's video.
To read advanced Chapters, head over to p@treon:
patreon.com/nani_kaito