Qiqi: There is Coconut Goat!
Aozang Mountain — Cloud Retainer's Abode
Cloud Retainer was still bubbling with excitement from the previous segment of the light-screen.
Having reminisced herself into high spirits, she continued nonstop telling Shenhe the full story of "Ganyu vs. Giant Beast."
Shenhe sat expressionlessly…
but secretly paid full attention.
Cloud Retainer, misreading this as enthusiasm, became even happier.
A disciple finally willing to listen to me chatter!
Wonderful! Double the chatter!
But just then, the light-screen announced the next "unserious evaluation," and both master and disciple fell silent.
"'Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Monarch'?…"
Shenhe's calm voice carried rare confusion.
"Was that Ganyu Shijie's adeptus title…?
Master never said that."
Wait.
Suddenly—
a terrifying possibility flashed across her mind.
"…Master."
Shenhe turned her head stiffly.
"Did Senior Sister Ganyu… when she was little… ever roll down a mountain…
because she was too round…?"
"And is that why the 'unserious evaluation' calls her
Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Monarch?"
"Hmm?"
Cloud Retainer blinked.
"Shenhe, did you just learn how to interrupt my story?"
Shenhe: "…"
Cloud Retainer waved her talons dismissively.
"Correct! Exactly so!"
"Come, I shall tell you the details."
"It happened like this—little Ganyu at that time…"
Liyue — Wangsheng Funeral Parlor
"'Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Monarch'?"
Hu Tao scratched her head.
"What a weird title! Even I wouldn't name an adeptus like that."
Even for her chaotic naming sense, this felt… disrespectful.
"Hey, Consultant, you know what's going on, right?"
She eyed Zhongli, who was calmly drinking tea.
Zhongli paused.
Of course he knew. Cloud Retainer had told him personally.
But could he say it?
Hu Tao watched him a moment, then rolled her eyes.
"Forget it, I won't ask you."
"I'll wait for the light-screen!"
Zhongli quietly exhaled in relief.
But his thoughts sighed.
"…Poor Ganyu. First the light-screen comforts her loneliness… then immediately exposes her childhood shame."
Still, even as he pitied her…
He continued watching with undisguised interest.
Some joys were universal among the immortals.
Liyue — Jade Chamber
"'Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Mon—'"
Keqing froze mid-sentence.
Then instantly understood.
Earlier, the light-screen had said:
"Ganyu was as round as a ball."
Combine those two lines?
Mystery solved.
Ningguang reached the same conclusion, exhaled lightly, and exchanged a look with Keqing.
Then both turned sympathetically toward Ganyu.
Poor child.
This was a black history she would never wash clean.
Ganyu couldn't even lift her head.
She wanted to dissolve into the carpet.
Transcendent Chat Group
Everyone had basically figured it out.
Compared to the previous evaluations, this one was simple.
And just as the chat was about to erupt—
the light-screen moved again.
Everyone instantly shut up and continued watching.
Villa — Arthur
"I'm sure many of you already guessed it."
"Yes. Ganyu was very round as a child—so she often accidentally rolled down mountains."
"Thus the nickname: Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Monarch."
"But words alone won't fully convey it."
"So let's watch a video."
He clicked play.
Ganyu's eyes widened.
Not a video! Please—anything but a video!
A nickname was survivable.
But a full visual reenactment?!
This is too cruel…
She finally understood Keqing's earlier breakdown.
There is no mercy in this world…
Light-Screen Video
Cheerful, upbeat music played—surprisingly pleasant.
Viewers briefly felt confused.
Is this the right video? Isn't this supposed to show… Ganyu… rolling?
But then the visuals appeared.
And everything made sense.
Four people stood at the bottom of a mountain slope:
Cloud Retainer, the Traveler, Paimon, and Ganyu.
Cloud Retainer was enthusiastically describing Ganyu's childhood.
On the mountainside above them…
A small, round, dumpling-shaped Ganyu stood at the peak.
She slipped.
And rolled.
Gulu—gulu—gulu—gulu—
Hitting the ground.
Bouncing up.
Rolling.
Bouncing.
Dust puffing up behind her each time she hit the earth.
The music matched her rolling perfectly.
She rolled all the way down.
The Traveler munched snacks.
Paimon rolled mid-air laughing, tears streaming down her face.
As for present-day Ganyu?
She quietly turned away.
Alone in her pain.
And the video…
kept going.
A full minute of continuous "gulu gulu gulu—!"
Enough for all of Teyvat to fully absorb the glory of
Gulu-Gulu Down-the-Mountain True Monarch.
Mondstadt — Traveler's Room
Earlier, Paimon had been clinging to Aether's leg begging forgiveness.
Aether crossed his arms, ignoring her.
But after watching the rolling Ganyu video…
They both collapsed onto the bed laughing uncontrollably.
Paimon laughed so hard she rolled like a miniature Ganyu.
"AHAHA—this is EXACTLY what I imagined!"
"Gulu-Gulu True Monarch is too good! Too good!"
Aether laughed so hard her stomach hurt.
The contrast between mature, serene Ganyu and round-rolling tiny Ganyu was simply fatal.
Even their earlier quarrel melted instantly.
"Ahh—my legs suddenly feel so sore…"
Aether flopped on her back dramatically.
And shot Paimon a side glance.
Paimon froze for 0.1 seconds.
Then instantly understood.
"Aether must be exhausted from the dragon disaster yesterday!"
"Even though I'm not a Mondstadter, I deeply admire the Honorary Knight!"
"I won't let her suffer!"
Without hesitation, Paimon scurried over to massage Aether's thigh.
Aether, wearing a smug expression, enjoyed it.
"How's this strength, Aether?"
"Hmm… a little lower."
"Here?"
"More pressure."
"Now?"
"Good. Since you're trying so hard, I'll forgive you this time.
But next time—!"
"Hehe, thank you Aether! You're the best Traveler, the bravest knight, the most—"
"Stop. Massage properly."
"Yes ma'am!"
"By the way… your secret stash?"
"…I'll hand it over."
"Good."
Paimon's heart shriveled at losing all her savings.
But then she remembered the Gourmet Navigator tablecloth.
Endless free food.
Instantly her heart blossomed.
She massaged with renewed vigor.
Long live Gulu-Gulu True Monarch!
Inazuma — Tenshukaku
Ei was still busy cooking.
Only Yae Miko and Kujou Sara were inside.
"My, who knew Lady Ganyu had such an adorable childhood?"
Yae Miko laughed lightly.
But this time… she wasn't making fun of anyone.
Because she had been exactly the same as a child.
The moment she felt nostalgic—
A calm voice drifted over.
"Yes, Miko was very cute as a child as well."
"Such a pity…"
It was Ei.
Yae Miko's smile froze instantly.
She liked reminiscing about others' childhoods.
Not her own.
Especially considering the drastic gap between past and present.
She wanted to retort—but Ei's age made counterattacks impossible.
Ei continued cooking with obvious pleasure.
"Don't worry, the food will be ready soon."
Yae Miko: "…"
Did I ask you about the food??
Transcendent Chat Group
Hu Tao: Ehh? So that's how Gulu-Gulu True Monarch was born?
Lumine: If that were a real adeptus title it'd be disrespectful! XD
Alice: Hehe, so that's what she looked like as a child!
Yaoyao: C-cute…
Venti: Very cute~
Furina: Extremely cute~
Beidou: Hahaha, absolutely adorable!
Cloud Retainer: But of course! And there are many more stories from her childhood!
Ganyu: …
Yae Miko: Oh? True Monarch, please elaborate!
Ei: I imagine it's similar to Miko's childhood. Surely full of entertainment.
Ayaka: Cough— I said nothing.
Itto: OHH? Stories of the Fox Lady's childhood?! Count me in!
Gorou: Ahem—me too.
Ganyu: Me too!
Sara: General, I… I would also like to know!
Scaramouche: Heh. I'm interested as well.
Ei: Miko…
"You wouldn't want your childhood exposed, would you?"
Yae Miko: …
Miko, legendary trickster, bane of countless victims…
finally saw the tables turn.
And her enemies—Itto, Gorou, Scaramouche, Sara—
all eagerly gathered like hungry wolves.
Even mild-mannered Ayaka avoided eye contact.
Ganyu apologized silently in her heart.
Forgive me, Lady Miko…
but if they keep talking about me, I will die.
Inazuma — Tenshukaku
"Hehe… you all wish to see my childhood?"
Yae Miko smiled charmingly.
But inside?
Pure panic.
Ganyu's suffering was a direct warning.
Her own past must never, ever be revealed.
She hurriedly sent a private transmission to Ei.
Listing conditions.
Promises.
Favors.
Only then did Ei relent.
But this humiliation?
Not forgiven.
One by one, Yae Miko mentally wrote down the names of:
Arataki Itto
Gorou
Kujou Sara
Scaramouche
Ganyu
Just you wait…
She had plenty of time to take revenge.
Ei, meanwhile, was feeling wonderful.
"No wonder Miko loves teasing others so much."
"This feeling of having the upper hand… is delightful!"
Villa — Arthur
Arthur watched the chat explode and couldn't help laughing.
They had gone from Ganyu → Miko → Ei → full Inazuma gossip.
"Beautiful. This is peak Inazuma energy."
"Honestly… are their souls swapped? Since when does Ei bully Miko?"
"But good. When it's their turn for evaluations…
I'll prepare extra material."
Now—
Back to Ganyu.
"After talking about her adeptus title," Arthur said with a smile,
"Let's move to her other nickname."
"Unserious Evaluation No.4—
Coconut Goat."
"A pure joke. Any resemblance is coincidental."
Liyue — Bubu Pharmacy
It was lunchtime, so the shop was quiet.
Bai Zhu sat relaxing, watching the light-screen.
Beside him, Qiqi also stared blankly at it—processing only half of what she saw.
But then—
"Co… coconut goat!"
"Doctor Bai! There is coconut goat!"
Qiqi's eyes lit up.
Her long-searched mythical coconut-producing beast—
finally had a lead?!
Bai Zhu sighed.
"Qiqi, this 'coconut goat' is not the one you're thinking of."
Ganyu… being a coconut goat…
This light-screen truly lived up to its name of "unserious evaluations."
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