That a girl from far away loves you this much? No, you don't. You have millions of people and fans like me. For you, I am not anyone special. I have just come into that counting list of millions, nothing more than that.
But please, leave my thoughts. Why are you not leaving them? Why have you locked me in a room in my thoughts where there is no escape door? Why? Why are you not letting me go out from here? Why are you not allowing me?
I know you are not mine, and I am not yours, but still, I pray to God that in my next life, He makes me a little more courageous so that I can chase him and pursue him properly, make him a little more reachable for me, make him mine, and make me his.
But you know what the fun fact is? There is no such thing as a next life, is there? And I know it very well. It's just to give my Mr. Heart another false hope.
But the only thing I keep repeating to myself is that if loving you is a 'sin', then call me a sinner because every moment, every second, I commit this sin.
I couldn't cry out loud because if Xin Xin and Maama heard me, what would they think? That I am crying? I can't even tell them how much pain I am in. They won't understand me. No one ever understands me. They all call me foolish and stupid. Indeed, I am foolish in your love.
Oh, God! This stupid Mr. Heart of mine is so much in love with you. Whether I'll die of this love disease or forget you and move on to someone else, only these two options can happen to me in the future. I know it very well.
But if anyone else really touched me, then I'd die. You know that very well. I am safe with your touch only. I don't know why, but still, it is the reality.
I know everything, but still, I choose this pain of love for myself. You know what, Xu Yuan? You even made me wish that I could die in your arms. Really, I am such a ridiculous one.
I loved it when you went outside the country for some show, and at night, you got hungry and didn't even have anything to pay with other than Alipay. You went out and ate that chicken and noodles, and you even asked about cheesecake. When the girl over there didn't recognise you, you came out and said, "She doesn't know me, the Chinese superstar, okay?"
And of course, whoever doesn't know you is definitely committing a sin.
I love it when you ask your fans to come and pay for your meal. And even after that, when you realise that your place is recognisable, you even ask your fans on that livestream not to come and see you.
You even ask whether they have cheesecake or not, and you even say that the food is delicious when you really don't find it that delicious. You are really such a silly boy, and I know how happy you were that day to make the country proud of you.
I know how you walk onto the sets early in the morning while still sleepy. You even miss the steps on the ground. I know how much hard work you put in every day and night.
But when I saw you hugging a girl from behind in your recent drama's shooting, it really hurt me. But I need to live with this hurting pain forever. It's a part of me.
And when, in some of the shows, you were asked about your girlfriend, you replied so shyly and smartly. That video really broke something inside my Mr. Heart. Everyone there was writing in the comment section of that video, "Tell us and break the hearts of the girls."
And I know that you won't tell anyone, but that most lucky person is with you. I know that girl is very lucky because God has seen something in her. That's why God made her yours.
And in my eyes, too, she will be the best and the most beautiful girl because I'll really try to see her through the eyes with which my Yuan Yuan sees her. After all, my Yuan Yuan loves that girl, and it is Zhao Shiza's duty to love whatever Yuan Yuan loves.
The "meet me in the next life" part is just bait for my Mr. Heart to keep him calm for a while. Trust me, I am trying very hard, and I know I'll surely come out of this.
But I still say that even after all this pain, falling for my Yuan Yuan is still the best thing I have ever done.
I know that one day, I need to face your big day, your wedding day, the harsh reality of my life. But till then, I'll manage to control my emotions. I know that day will be difficult for me, but I'll definitely celebrate it. After all, it's my Yuan Yuan's big day.
I don't know why tears are falling from my eyes while writing this, but I know I love you beyond all the differences and distances between us. I love you by going out of the box, and I'll always love you, no matter what, how, or when. But I will always love you beyond anything.
I know my dream of hugging you and saying "Wo ai ni" to you will never come true, but still, Zhao Shiza will always love her Yuan Yuan. Always.
29 will always be my favourite date, and October will always be my favourite auspicious month. 1996 will always be the best year, and Shenzhen will always be my favourite city. No doubt, I have never been there, but still, it will be. And C, Z, and Y will always remain my favourite alphabets.
And you know what? At first, I thought of wearing red on your birthday for good fortune, but now I won't because it's not my right. It's really not my right.
So, now it's time for my birthday boy's wishes, and they are that I hope you'll always stay happy and healthy, live a long and healthy life, stay with your family, have a good family of your own one day, and have the person you love always beside you. I hope you'll become more and more famous and the biggest superstar in China.
This is a heartfelt wish from your little fan girl for her Yuan Yuan.
So, now I am signing off. I'll come back next year, in 2027, on 29 October, at the same time. And I hope that till then, I'll be able to manage my emotions and move on from all this.
But still, I am crying because I love you wholeheartedly, and I know that whatever wishes I have in this world will never come true. Wishes are meant to be broken.
We'll meet next year, when you'll become 31, and maybe, by then, some news will come out about you having a girlfriend. Don't worry. I'll cope with it myself.
But still, I must say that you really made me fall head over heels in love with you. No doubt about that.
So, I am going to send you a message on your birthday every time, messages that will never reach you or be read by you. But I'll still always send them.
Do you know how painful that is? No, you don't. You only know how to make Zhao Shiza fall for you, right, Xu Yuan?
Those unreachable messages of mine are quite painful, but Zhao Shiza will always love her Yuan Yuan as long as I breathe in this world, till my last breath.
Now your little fan girl is signing off, hoping to meet you next year more courageously and write again on your birthday.
And I am eagerly waiting to see you as Officer Zhang. I know how incredible your performance as Officer Zhang will be in your upcoming drama. And I love your performance as Chen Shen in your drama *Light in the Dark*.
But I know I will never be your light in the dark. You are, and you will always be, my light in the dark.
Sometimes, I wanna say that I wanna hug you and say "Wo ai ni, wo ai ni" continuously, but I know that's another song, and that day will never come.
You know, I am just holding my Mr. Heart in my hands, the most fragile one, which is going to break, I know. But still, see, I am the one who made it like this. Reality hits me really hard.
I am really not that stupid now. Let me go, Yuan. Let me go.
But my love for you will always remain in me. Your voice will always be the one that makes me come out of my unconscious state, and your face, along with my favourite song, will always be my light as long as I live in this world, till my last breath.
At least we live under the same sky and on the same ground. At least this one thing is common between us, despite having so many differences. I am glad for that.
But really, I have gone out of the syllabus for loving you. I really have.
And at last, Xin Xin Kuai Le, Xu Yuan.....