Am back again for you, my Yuan Yuan. As I sit in front of my laptop, it really feels heavy for me because what I am going to write is just my life here. But still, as the auspicious day has just begun, I need to and have to write it.
Wait, I don't know why my eyes fill with tears while writing this. I have just started writing, but why does it feel so heavy on my chest? Why? I really don't know. I just wanna take a deep, long breath and write, my Mr. Heart, out here.
Zhao Shiza and ice cream are soulmates, but when did you come between us, Yuan Yuan? I really don't know. That day will ever come when my favourite ice cream is placed in front of me and I don't have the appetite to eat even a single bite? But I like it. I do really like it. How much you affect me, how much impact you have on me. I do like it.
See, I am not even allowed to cry out loud. Sometimes, I wanna say, "I am in pain. Come and heal me," but I know you won't. You'll never, because we are from two different worlds, and we have our own lives to live. So, let's not cause destruction. I can't fight the inevitable fates, but I have a complaint against God. Why? Why didn't He make me yours? Am I really that bad for you? Am I, really?
I have asked myself this so many times, but no answer has ever come.
So, my Yuan Yuan, as today is your birthday, the most beautiful day in this whole universe, I am gonna say something that I have never said out loud, not even to myself. I know it is gonna be very painful, but I need to and I have to.
Today, as you're going to turn 30, all your fans are saying, just by looking at you, that they still think you're in your early 20s. Who is gonna say that this boy is going to turn 30 years old today? No one. And it's really true. My Yuan Yuan is the most handsome man in the whole universe. The beauty ends with him.
I know that on your auspicious day, your loved ones will be there for you, your Mama and your grandparents. And the most hurting part? Your girlfriend.
I know, I know you do have a girlfriend. Tell me, how can I believe that such a handsome face doesn't have a girlfriend? No, not at all. Of course, I am silly, but I am not that silly that I'll believe this lie. I know you'll never say it out loud because you don't want to break your female fans' hearts. But still, I know that one day you'll announce it, or some news will definitely go around on Weibo, on the trending topics, saying that this girl is the superstar Xu Yuan's girlfriend.
I know that day will definitely come sooner or later. I just need to understand it, but I really don't know. I really don't know how I am going to survive that day. I really don't, because when I see you loving some girl in a drama, I also feel very upset. I can't even bear to see that. I just feel like the world is ending.
But I think that by that day, I'll have forgotten you. My feelings will fade away with time. But you know what? What hurts the most is that my feelings are gonna fade away for you. I'll forget you, and this is the worst part of anything because I have a love disease with you.
You made me sit on this roller coaster ride of emotions, where you made me laugh, made me shy, made me embarrassed, made me blush, made me feel loved, made me feel overwhelmed, and, the most, made me cry and feel jealous.
I know I am not so different from anyone. I am just an ordinary fan girl of yours, nothing extraordinary. I know. I do really know. And maybe people will say that every fan girl loves him. I am not anyone special, and this is just my attraction and affection for you, not love, because I didn't even know the real meaning of love.
Because love means two people loving each other and reciprocating their feelings for each other. But in my case, nothing like that exists.
Sometimes, I feel that I have fallen for an AI, not a real person. Yes, of course, it's better for me to think of you as an AI whom I fell in love with because the other things are really hurting.
But there is another thought that came to me, and it's that the only thing I know is that love means my Yuan Yuan, and Yuan Yuan means love. There is nothing else I really know other than this.
And if it's really my attraction towards you, then trust me, this attraction is as compatible with love as anything could be. But my Yuan Yuan made me understand the real meaning of love, and for me, it's to endure the pain of your love forever because I can't do anything.
We are far away from each other. There are lots of differences and distances between us that can never be bridged in this life, and we are never meant to be.
Because I can't have you, not even in my dreams. Fates are already decided. You are born to be a celebrity, and I am born to be your fan girl only. I can't fight fate. I really can't. I just kneel down in front of our fates.
I am really a coward girl. I really don't know how you made this coward girl fall for you. I think some courageous girl needs to fall for you, not a coward girl like me.
I know you love someone else, but I do really wanna ask, why am I not that person? But I can't get any answer. I do feel very jealous, and I really feel that that girl must be luckier than me and must be nearer to God. That's why God chose her for my Yuan Yuan, because she is the best. I know.
But writing it down here really hurts me, as if I am standing on my own shattered pieces of heart. But I can't do anything. All I can do is just endure this pain.
Do you really know, Xu Yuan, what it feels like when I know you'll never gonna know about me?