Nox's POV:
"mmm! Money! Me likey!" I said, as I lay on my annoyingly pink bed, counting the magic stones I just squeezed out of the fanboy while waiting for my month long exile to this pink hell to end.
"You seem to be in a good mood!" The playboy said as he teleported on top of me like the creep he is.
"Have you never heard of a door, or don't they have those in the playboy dimension?!"
"Haha! That's funny coming from the woman who I saw climb out the window the other night! Now tell me, whatever was my woman up to, sneaking around under the cover of darkness?"
"Having an affair, breaking some kneecaps, and preparing for war! You know! Normal married stuff! Also, I REALLY don't like the color scheme of this place! I know you got this color theme going on, but does everything have to be the same color, and why the fuck did I get saddled with pink! It's the most generic girl color in the world, and frankly, I feel offended!"
"Hm? Is that so? Well, I wouldn't mind if you moved in with me in the dark palace, but unfortunately, my heartless wife decided to trash it in a drunken rampage!"
"Sounds like a pain! Maybe you should cut your losses and divorce her!"
"Hm? Maybe you're right? And as the ruler of this continent, as well as the bitter ex, I do not need to worry about the consequences, as I can simply deny her any of my money in the divorce!"
"Well, now let's not get too hasty! That is a serious abuse of power there! You'd have to be a seriously evil man to even think of denying someone their right to half your cash! So, evil in fact that a rebellion is almost guaranteed to follow!"
"Pft! Hehe!" He started chuckling as he leaned closer to my ear.
"I have already squashed any resistance to my rule! It would take a miracle to make such a rebellion occur let alone succeed!" He whispered creepily into my ear.
"Ha! That's a good one, but no matter how you run a place, there is always going to be some who just can't stand the guy in charge, and even if there aren't there is always the option to make some!" I said, as I recounted my short year as the king.
"Hehe! I don't know whether to laugh or be afraid of your words, as I cannot be certain you will not back them up! Though, if you agreed to be mine forever, I would not mind giving you the throne for a while!"
"Ugh! If I wanted to be king again, I'd have stayed with those losers I beat up!"
"Hm? Losers? Are you talking about the miscreants who placed those chains on my woman?"
"Bingo! You won the grand prize! A one-way trip off my backside! Now get the fuck off me, please! I got money to count!"
"Hm? I'll get off you if you tell me just who it was that placed those chains on you!"
"Sure! It was grumpy, hangry, and hoarder!"
"Pft! I guess I should have expected as much! Now where can I find this trio!"
"I killed them, so try checking hell!"
"Hm? Oh? Noxy, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! If it'll get you to stop treating me like a damn pony, then ask away!"
"Is it true you don't enjoy violence?"
"…!"
"I find the bloodshed thrilling, and I know you do to, but brother-in-law told me you don't actually enjoy it nearly as much as I might think!"
"There is a difference between liking something and being good at it!"
"…!"
"I don't enjoy it, never have, and probably never will. It's just that it's the easiest solution, and more often than not, the only one I can afford! So, if you're satisfied, then get off me before I see beating your ass as a necessity!"
Instead of doing what I asked, the playboy just hugged me tighter, while whispering even more creepy stuff into my ear.
"My Noxy, has such a gentle soul!" He said, reminding me of a serial killer I once had to catch.
That maniac would say something like that, right before killing his victims, so he could start making out with their corpse. That was a really gross Saturday, but at least I got paid for stalking that creep. I only wish I hadn't been mistaken for that creep in the first place. I mean, I was like ten at the time! How the fuck did they only notice something was off, once they realized I had no wang to diddle the corpses with?
"Why do I have to run into weirdos and incompetent law enforcement so often? It stopped being funny a while ago, and now it's just kind of sad, also incredibly stupid!"
"Pft! HAHAHAHA!"
"What's so funny?"
"*Giggle* It is just so humorous to hear the weirdo, who treated a public execution like a day at the spa, calling others weird!"
"Whoever you're talking about can't be as weird as the guy who asked someone to pretend to be his pregnant wife for a year!" I said as I tried to shove sed weird guy off of me, but no dice. So, I tried to poke him in the eyes.
"This lord only requested that you do so on our date on the 3rd continent! You were the one who proclaimed yourself my wife to the 2nd!" He said, grabbing my hand right before my nails made contact with his peepers.
"You called me your woman, so I thought your parents, or something was in the crowd! So, if you don't mind, would you get lost already? Don't you have something better to do, like ruling the continent?"
I can tolerate having to live in this absurdly pink house, on account of all the money I make off of these suckers, I can endure having to make the rounds cuz of my missing girls, but it's so annoying having to put up with this playboy every day. Ever since he made all my girls move out, he has been using the fact his little palace was destroyed as an excuse to trespass on the property he gave me as part of his payment for this play he wants to put on for his parents. Fortunately, my residence restriction is almost up now that it's the end of the month. Unfortunately, the only other base that isn't compromised or occupied, has not just one, but two equally annoying people living there now, plus one more nuisance. So, it is between continuing living in this pink nightmare and living as a hobo.
"Hm? I have already relegated all my responsibilities to my subordinates for our honeymoon! And as I am still waiting on transport to the 3rd continent, I have all the time in the world to shower my lovely wife in my affections!" The playboy replied.
"I wonder what bumfights are like in these parts?"
*Smash*
"NOX!!!"
Smashing through the door to my room was one of the reasons why I am currently making plans to become a professional hobo, namely the dumbass.
"HEY, GET OFF MY DAUGHTER YOU FOOL! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT?!"
"Hm? Oh, if it isn't father-in-law! Are you finally ready to give us your blessing?" The playboy said, sitting up on the bed, while forcing me to stay in his lap.
"YOU WISH! NOW GET OFF MY DAUGHTER DIRTBAG!" The Dumbass screamed as the unfortunate security guards trying to grab him lost their hands the moment they came into contact with his lightbulb body.
Ever since that dumbass somehow managed to seduce and steal my mom's soul from my subconscious, he has been creepily obsessed with me. I know this because when I was packing my luggage in preparations to move out of this pink nightmare, I had taken a look through the secret surveillance enchantments I had left around the place, only to find him in a dark room filled with paintings of mom and a disturbingly incorrectly sized version of myself. Having seen plenty of deranged fanboys and stalkers in my day, I knew instantly that I wanted no part in whatever this was. Unfortunately, it seemed as though that amateur voodoo doll he made, somehow managed to clue him in on my whereabouts despite my efforts.
"Hm? That's strange! Shouldn't my countermeasures have prevented that?" I muttered to myself as I wondered how an amateur voodoo mage managed to sneak past my defenses.
*Screaming Guards*
"Hehe! Even though the rice is already cooked you still won't accept us, father-in-law?"
"Hm?"
"YOU'RE FULL OF IT! YOU THINK I'D BELIEVE THIS DRIVLE?! JUST LOOK AT HER! HER STOMACH IS AS FLAT AS A BOARD!" The dumbass screamed after throwing the piece of crumpled paper in his hand at us.
Snatching it out of the air before it could hit the playboy's face, I read its contents. I could feel a headache coming on as I figured out what this son of a bitch pinning me to his crotch had done, while I wasn't looking.
"You dick!" I said to the playboy.
This asshole had sent a letter inviting my whole clan of lapdogs to some secret wedding ceremony with his pregnant wife, who I hope for his sake is just someone with a similar name as mine, because I did not agree to this.
"Hm? What is that my lovely wife-to-be! Are you feeling ne-!"
*Bang*
*Gulp*
*Puff*
Sick of listening to this ass, I threw an explosive artifact I had made into his mouth before uppercutting his jaw shut so he'd swallow it. Fortunately, the internal explosion was enough to make him loosen his grip on me so I could get out.
"SERVES YOU RIGHT! Now, let's go home! Papa is going to let you ride on-!"
Cutting off the dumbass's words, came the second reason why I haven't moved back to that place. Literally tearing my new residence in half was the crazed granny holding up the roof of my room along with half the flipping building with nothing but the power of her poop energy.
"NOXY! GRANDMAMA IS HERE TO SAVE-! HUH? Wait, where is my cute little granddaughter?!"
Fortunately, thanks to the many perks of being this tall, she seems to not recognize me as the little turd who left to start her own bdsm club. Now, if I can just calmly and quietly tell her I am hiding in that construction site next door, then move out of the line of fire, I can run for the hills while the dumbass indulges in his favorite hobby of blasting the playboy in the face. Now to enact my perfect, and flawless plan.
"She is-!"
"MOTHER! THIS IS NOX!"
"Damn it! A flaw!"
Somehow, the dumbass, managed to ruin my perfect plan by outing me as the flesh turd this granny wanted to turn into a furry via forced animal cosplay.
*Swoosh*
"Back! Get back I say! You foul creature! I refuse to become your furry pet again!" I said, backing away from the baby-faced granny who just bolted in front of me.
I could feel her undressing me with her pervy eyes as she was probably fantasizing about trying to cram me down another bear costume. Meanwhile, I was frantically brainstorming a million scenarios to try and figure out a way to escape this hell of having to deal with three of these freaks at once.
"Hey, I'm too big for those costumes, so back off!"
*Sigh*
"Why'd you have to go and get so big! Well, whatever! Let's get the hell out of here!"
"NO! I'll never go back to that doll hell! SMOKE BOMB!"
"HEY, WHAT THE!?"
Using my last smoke bomb from my magical girl days, I escaped the crazed granny, the playboy, the dumbass, and even the old man pretending to be a dragon flying towards the weirdo trifecta.