Kōichi walked over expressionlessly. Before Aqua could pull her hand back, he reached beneath the pillow and yanked out the stack of papers.
"Application for Membership. Rule Number One: To ensure tomorrow's meal ticket, you must offer Aqua-sama three bottles of fine wine every day? Aqua, this isn't even brainwashing anymore. It's outright extortion."
Kōichi waved the papers in his hand, his voice as cold as an Axel river in winter.
"Waaaaah! Kōichi, give those back! That's a divine revelation from the Goddess! A sacred covenant!"
Aqua sprang up like a cat whose tail had been stepped on and tried to snatch the papers back. Kōichi simply held her down by the head with one hand, leaving her to flail her short limbs uselessly in place.
Iris curiously came closer, picked up one of the application forms that had fallen to the floor, and read aloud.
"Code of Conduct for Followers of the Axis Order: If your life isn't going well, it must be someone else's fault. If it still isn't going well, just run away... Wow, Kōichi-sama, this Order's teachings are so free and carefree! They're completely different from all those tired old sayings in the palace!"
"No, Iris. That's just plain hopeless."
Kazuma rolled his eyes and turned toward Kōichi.
"Hey, Kōichi, forget about this idiot Goddess for a second. Look over there. Those two are about to decide who gets to sleep with Iris by having a duel."
In the nearby hallway, Darkness was already flushed bright red as she undid the clasps of her armor.
"Megumin! Even if you're a genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, I will never surrender the sacred duty of protecting Her Highness to you! Come on! Use your Explosion Magic, even though you can't cast it right now, or any other underhanded method to humiliate me! As long as I have breath left in my body, I will sleep outside Her Highness's door!"
"That isn't protection at all! Your perverted urges are just running wild!"
Though Megumin was still physically exhausted, she stubbornly propped herself up with her staff.
"Iris, come with me. I'll show you the Crimson Demon Clan's secret illustrated guide to bedtime sleep-inducing fireballs..."
Kōichi stared at his teammates, who had completely gone out of control, then at Iris, who looked utterly innocent and seemed to genuinely find all of this amusing. He let out a deep sigh.
He knew that if he didn't assert his authority as captain, nobody was getting any sleep tonight.
Kōichi brought the full force of his authority as captain to bear, along with a threat to cut off Aqua's drinking money for an entire month, and finally managed to put an end to the absurd battle over the princess.
He personally escorted Iris to the cleanest and most spacious guest room in the mansion, then issued one final warning at the door. Anyone who dared set so much as half a foot inside that room tonight would be eating nothing but cabbage stalks for breakfast tomorrow.
However, Kōichi had clearly underestimated Aqua's obsession with recruiting new followers. He had also underestimated Iris's innocent curiosity, which, thanks to her nearly nonexistent knowledge of how things worked outside the palace, was dangerously easy to influence.
Over the next few days, the mansion in Axel became the stage for one scene after another that sent Kōichi's blood pressure soaring.
"Iris! Look! This is the baptism ceremony of the Axis Order! Just pour this bottle of Holy Water over your head, which is actually just tap water I purified, and you'll receive a blessing that keeps mosquitoes from ever biting you!"
Aqua buzzed around Iris all day like a tireless fly, constantly clutching the stack of application forms that Kōichi had confiscated, only for her to secretly print another batch.
"Wow! Really? Aqua-oneechan, you're amazing!"
Iris sat on a bench in the garden, engrossed in a copy of Self-Cultivation for Axis Order Followers.
"If someone refuses to forgive you, borrow money and use it to shut them up... Kōichi-sama, I think this one is very profound! Could we apply this idea when dealing with border disputes involving neighboring countries?"
Kōichi's hand jerked as he polished his longsword nearby, nearly causing him to drop the blade on his foot.
"No, Iris. That's just thug logic."
Kōichi rubbed his temples and looked into Iris's increasingly clear eyes. Or rather, eyes that were beginning to resemble Aqua's, carrying the same refreshing hint of stupidity. For the first time, he felt a genuine sense of crisis.
"You're the princess of this kingdom. If you go back to the Royal Capital saying things like 'running away may be shameful, but it works,' your father is going to cry. He really will."
"What's wrong with that, Kōichi?"
Aqua proudly planted her hands on her hips and let out her trademark "Ohohoho" laugh.
"Iris has already mastered the essence of our Order. No matter what happens, blame someone else first! Look, yesterday she accidentally broke that expensive antique vase, and now she can say with a perfectly straight face that the Ghost doll did it! This girl was born to be a follower of the Axis Order!"
"But that really was the truth!"
Kazuma shouted from the side.
"And Iris, haven't you started getting into the habit of yelling 'Long live Aqua-sama!' before meals lately? Snap out of it! Your noble character is being eaten away bit by bit by this useless Goddess!"
What troubled Kōichi most was that Iris genuinely seemed fascinated by this carefree lifestyle, one completely free of responsibility or restraint.
She had even started imitating Aqua's utterly illogical way of acting spoiled. Whenever Kōichi tried to lecture her, she would look up at him with those watery eyes and quietly murmur,
"Kōichi-sama, Aqua-oneechan said that whenever the captain gets angry, all you have to do is blame Kazuma, and the world will become a peaceful place..."
"Hey!! Why me?!!"
Kazuma's anguished scream echoed throughout the mansion.
Kōichi watched Aqua teach Iris how to mix premium fruit juice with Holy Water, while Darkness stood off to the side biting her handkerchief, her face twisted with jealousy and excitement because she hadn't been allowed to join the girls' group. He realized that if he didn't take Iris out on a proper adventure soon, the kingdom's great hope might genuinely become Axel's number-one problem child.
Kōichi finally reached his limit.
Just moments earlier, he had personally witnessed Iris staring solemnly at a basin of washwater while practicing the Purification Spell Aqua had taught her. She was even trying to persuade the water to become tastier for the sake of peace in the kingdom.
At that moment, Kōichi realized that if he didn't do something soon, the princess's intelligence was going to fall below Axel's average.
"That's enough! Everyone, grab your weapons. We're going to work!"
Kōichi's command cut off Aqua just as she was about to demonstrate Nature's Beauty.
"Huh? A mission? Kōichi, I only just got Iris to the chapter on how to elegantly skip out on a debt!"
Aqua pouted unhappily, but under Kōichi's murderous glare, she shrank back and reluctantly shuffled off to fetch her staff.
"Great! Are we finally going on an adventure?"
Iris jumped to her feet in excitement. She expertly grabbed the Holy Sword wrapped in rags, her eyes gleaming with eagerness.
"Kōichi-sama, what are we going to hunt? A legendary dragon? Or the Devil who rules the North?"
"No. We're going after the nightmare of Axel's rookies. An extremely vicious, slimy monster that loves swallowing Adventurers whole."
Kōichi deliberately lowered his voice, creating an intensely serious atmosphere.
"Its name is... the Giant Toad."
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