It hurts.... It hurts... It hurts...
Those were the words my soul screamed over and over... The moment my heart broke, finally giving up. The wounds were still fresh from the battle, sadly this was a war of my own making, and now I had to pay the price.
"When I was showing you the same love you made me feel like shit Mikhail... My heart got tired..."
Those were the words that started the begining and end our tale in this life. A love story that was so sweet yet seem like it was never meant to be.
Sitting there on a chair next to my bed as Lorelei and I converse through the phone we tried talking this through..
"Question.. isnt there any way for me to regain your love?"
"I don't know Mikhail... It's the same reason I ended things with Lason... Over and over I have been telling you and him.. What have been hurting me, what was breaking me.. and just like him you have done the same thing... You only have been giving me pain.. and no matter how we try talking about it.. I tried talking about it with you.. and all we did was argue... So my heart gave up... I could'nt let myself bleed for you anymore.. just like I could'nt let it bleed for Lason anymore... I have had enough.."
My hands were shaking as I held the phone, my heart was breaking hearing her truth.. and most off all my soul and purpose for seeing the light and warmth of this world once more was slowly fading... I was losing it all again...
" I see... I guess I got it all clear now then..."
"Mmmm... No matter how i try it seem like men was not made for me... No matter how I tried dating, You all keep fucking up and my heart is just so fucking tired of it all... You all just help me be Unhappy rather than happy...."
"That's true Lorelei, but no one is perfect.."
" I did'nt need perfect, I needed you to understand! I want you to realized that you were breaking me!... I tried explaining to you.. I tried showing you.... but you were too clueless, but now when you have finally lost me.. when I have gave up.. now your trying... now your fighting... It's too late Mikhail....."
I squeezed my heart tightly, trying to stop the pain as she continued.... I could feel it, the hurt...
"And No one tried to make me happy, Even when I explain to them what made me unhappy.. no one tried... You.... didn't try.... so I just gave up.... I got so tired of trying to show you... of feeling the pain.... my heart gave out Mikhail..."
I could'nt breathe, It felt like the air in my lungs suddenly went thin, My body was shaking, if my eyes weren't red already I am pretty sure they were now.. However I tried maintaining proper speech as best as possible, Not to show my weakness.. my vulnerability...
" So that's it Lorelei?... Can't we try to fix this? can't I have a second chance? because I have been trying to figure you out.. to figure things out.. that way I could stop hurting you.... I have went as far as distancing myself from Aquileia.. trying to show you that my focus is on you.. that i see only you.. that my heart.. my soul... they belong to you... I was trying to show you I am trying to make a mends and trying to be better... I was trying my best.... Lorelei...."
"You... started trying... too late Mikhail..... You started trying too late..."
I could her the shaking and hurt in her voice just as how I am sure she could hear it in my own...
Shaking, I was trying to hold back my tears as best as possible... I was trying to hold myself together.... To be strong, to not show weakness, to not show vulnerability... but maybe thats all wear I went wrong...
"Lorelei... You know... I was trying to be better you know..... Because you said you wanted a future with me... A future wear you wanted to have a family with me.. A life.. and honestly that made me incredibly happy, more than you could ever imagine... because of that dream.. that future.... I even did my best to try taking better care of myself... I quit smoking, i stopped drinking, i stop messing around and tried to curve my flirty tendancies... I tried focusing on more work and saving that way I could properly plan and be prepared for a future with you... that way I could be Your rock.. your home.. a castle that could bring you peace and safety... To be the person you could rely on.. Your partner... I wanted to be the person you could have confidence in..... I wanted to be yours.. and only yours..... but it seem I failed.... I didnt try hard enough... and instead of doing that... I only ever did was hurt you over and over.. and over..."
At this moment, my heart stopped, my chest was completely locked and tears started streaming down my face, I couldnt hold the pain back.... I couldn't stop nor change this outcome..
" I'm sorry Lorelei.... I'm sorry.... I sorry I kept hurting you, I'm sorry I realized all the pain I was giving you too late, I'm sorry for trying to fix what I broke in you too late, I'm sorry I couldn't change the bad habits I had sooner to save us... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm.... Sorry..."
Sliding down to the floor next to my bed I held the phone close to me as she stayed silent on the next end of the line..
"Lorelei...."
"Mmm..."
"Um... is it ok if we don't let Mom now? she would be heart broken to know we broke up... I'll find a way to break it to her sooner or later... for now um.... can we still be friends? because I still wish to be in your life... I am still too in love with you to just disappear."
" I don't mind that... friends sounds ok i guess..."
" Ok.... Lorelei?.."
"Yes Mikhail..."
"Please take care of yourself... Ensure you focus on you... No skipping meals, you need to eat properly and take better care of yourself... also don't lose focus, you have a lot of potentail and I have always seen greatness in you... if anything your drive and ambition was one the best I love about you, also your kindness, the way you observe things and act without speaking much, I love how calm you can be, I love the fact you focus so much on work and your family and home it always leaves me speechless.. though that workaholic mentally of yours always had me worried.... I love so much about you I could list them for ages..... So with that just always remember, I will always love you... no matter what.. and please take care of yourself ok?"
She stayed silent on the line for a while before she answered..
"Ok Mikhail... Thank you..."
With that our conversation ended..
Right after I saw a message came in on my phone, It was from my ex/my closest friend and accomplice, Flora..
"Little Wolf? What's Wrong? I felt something through our connection? Your hurting.... What's wrong.. please talk to me darling..."
It was astounding even after so much years after we broke up Flora and I wear still close friends and still had a deep bond that allowed us to feel each others emotions and pain to an expent... despite just only being close friends now...
I replied to hear before she started panicking what happened to me...
" Sorry about that Little Bunny... I am not ok right now... I'm hurting.. so please... I just need to be alone for a while... Please..."
Reading my message immediately she responded..
"Ok... I'll be here if you need me... "
With that, I tose my phone aside and got up pacing, trying to breathe as my body shaked uncontrollably, I tried telling myself to breathe over and over as I shaked my hands and pacing back and forthe in my room but it wasnt enough... It had started... I was breaking down.. I was having a panic attack..
I let out a silent scream, every muscle in my body tightened as i did so, breaking down i fell to my wooden room floor and started crying uncontrollably, curled up like a child weeping in Heartbreak, despair and absolute ruin...
I was broken....