Zack had no idea what he did wrong. Everything was going so well, he was sure that this had been the one. She even sent him a voice recording of herself singing "Can't take my eye's of you". It seemed like she poured her heart out to him, she ranted about her family, how they treated her. She ranted about her health and how hard it is to be born with such misfortune. She ranted about her workplace and how work pushed her to her limits, and he loved her. Not with a savior complex, but with a cooperative determination.
"Yes, we will get through this together." He thought. "I would be your pillar, and you will be mine, and we will lean on each other. If your family is broken, you can join mine. If your body is broken, I will be your hands and legs. If your workplace breaks you, I will fix you back up everyday. And when nothing can be fixed, we will fix our gaze on each other, and brave the storm for better or for worse."
And so he too poured his heart out to her. Perhaps, this was the mistake. He doesn't know. He doesn't know what he doesn't know. He thought he knew that she wanted to be with him, he thought the exchanges between them was perfect, the chemistry between them, both online, where they met, and in real life, when they went on dates. He decided he didn't want to remain in limbo and broke the question. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He asked before exiting his car in front of her place to open the door for her. She didn't answer, and he didn't want to pressure her. "She was just tired." he assured himself on the way home. For the first time in forever, he was confident. And she shattered it. The wall of text on his phone basically told him that she didn't want to date him, not yet, she wasn't ready, and that if it was meant to be, it will be, she just wasn't sure enough to make a commitment yet.
"And then I saw her profile on not one, not 2 , but 3 of the dating apps I'm using." Isaac sighed. "If her answer was no, I wish she would have just said so."
He couldn't see his friends faces as he told them the story, they were playing games while on Discord voice chat, but he could feel their empathy, well Dymo's at least.
"Bruh, the mixed signal type, don't worry mate, you dodged a bullet." Dymo reassures his friend.
"I suppose so, I think I must have done something wrong on that date though, because her attitude towards me changed after it, I just wish I knew what."
Jian's tone of speech wasn't as reassuring as Dymo's though. "Sorry, HOW many dating apps are you on again?"
"4, I haven't have much luck on them though, she was the 3rd date in like 3 years."
"That's too many man." Jian remarks. His tone was sarcastic, implying that nothing he's saying right now should be taken seriously. Jian was always like that, he tries to alleviate gloomy topics or environments with humor. It sometimes works, and Zack knows his intentions, it doesn't seem to be working now though. He wants to jump to his own defense, to tell Jian that the reason he's on the apps is because he has close to 0 chances in real life . The girls in university don't look at him, girls in church are taken, and he's not gonna turn into a creep and approach random girls on the street. But Jian has heard it all, so repeating would be in vain, besides, it was just a joke.
"By the way guys, badminton this Saturday?" he asks, changing the subject.
"Sorry, date with the missus." Dymo apologizes.
"Sorry, I'm... busy." Jian adds.
"Lemme guess, another girl?" Dymo asks.
"Hey, Zack's going on dates, and so am I!"
Zack remains silent.
"Yeah, but you go on a date with a different girl every week." Dymo rebukes Jian. He wants to send a message to Zack that the playboy life isn't better than the single life. It doesn't matter too much for Zack though, he got his answer, they won't be hanging out this weekend again. He's disappointed but not surprised. He hasn't seen them in ages, but he doesn't resent them for it either, they have their own lives now, they're no longer kids, and they have dates to go on. Dymo has a girlfriend, and Jian is enjoying life, would he ever want to take it away from them? Of course not! He just wants to join them, or rather, have adventures of his own, with someone of his own.
Envy
"I'm feeling envy. One of the 7 deadly sins." He internally rebukes himself. "If I ever wish any ill will on my friends, I don't deserve them, let alone a significant other. In fact, I can never deserve a significant other, if I'm loveable, someone will love me. But I should never feel entitled to be loved, besides, have I shown any qualities deserving of love?" It was getting late, and Zack was feeling tired, both his eyes and heart are heavy, so he bid his friends in chat goodbye and logged off for the night. Besides, there's class tomorrow.
...
*Meow*
Mail (Pronounced Ma-eel) is the resident brown tabby that lives on the ground floor lobby of the university's boy's dorms. He's probably the warden's cat, but he's very friendly. He's especially friendly with Zack though, when he sees him emerge from the elevator, he'd run up with his tail in the air and rub his body against his leg, and Zack had never been able to resist pausing for some pets. Mail doesn't do this to other students though, not that Zack has seen at least. "Stupid Isaac." He rebukes himself for the thought, "Why would I be special? Some main character complex I have, he's probably as friendly with other students, just because I've never seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen." Internal rebukes like these are common, at first consciously. "I have to beat myself up, hurt myself more so that by comparison, anything the world could throw at me would be nothing." And then, eventually, it became natural, he would even internally call himself stupid for no reason, as if to remind himself of his place. The self-loathing was interrupted by Mail though. *Meow* he rubs his head against Zack's hand. *purrr*
"I gotta go now Mail!" he says as he takes a little pouch of cat food out of his bag and pours a little onto the floor. Mail looks at the food, looks back at him and slow blinked before eating. Zack smiles and looked at his phone. He wasn't late, petting Mail was accounted for in his daily routine. So he got up and headed to class.
University campus was like torture to him. Not the studying part though, he enjoys that, he enjoys the feeling of enlightenment, like when he learned the differences between radial and axial flux electric motors. He enjoys knowing things that other people don't think about, like the speed differences between the left and right tires of a car when it turns due to differentials, or the small steering angle differences due to Ackerman steering, and how it improves handling and stability of a car. On top of loving cats, he loves cars, and dreams of designing them. That's why he was here, learning industrial design.
After class, the rain was bearing down heavily, and he forgot his umbrella, so he pulls out his sketchbook to draw to pass some time. His book is full of his own designs, interpretations of existing designs, and of course, when he feels like it, little doodles of cats. Cat's chilling on cars, cats chilling in cars, cats driving cars! Hell, even a cat car! Why not! The nose of a cat might make a nice Alfa Romeo grille.
University is torture to him, because he tortures himself in his head. But while his head was a dungeon of self loathing, he also also loves to live in it. Because also there was a universe where he has his own car company, him being famous. He stood alongside the likes of Horacio Pagani, Christian Von Koenigsegg, and Gordon Murray. A universe where that Alfa Romeo cat car is real, wing mirrors that look like ears, round headlights that look like eyes, and a little active wing that acts as a tail. Bozuzoku exhaust tail might be sacrilege for an Alfa Romeo though. He looks up from his sketchbook as he was sketching that cat car, and remembers why his head felt like a sanctuary. University campus, as much as it is filled with brilliant minds, are filled with the wonders of young love as well.
Envy
Once again, Zack retreats back into his head, looking down onto his sketchbook again. "I don't want to feel envy, I should be happy for them. I should celebrate their relationships, their laughter, their smiles. I do not wish what I feel now onto anyone, it's a terrible feeling. Better the whole world find love, and I alone, than vice versa." The world was hurting him again. No, he was hurting himself through the world, it was wrong, he must hurt himself directly, so nothing he could see through the world can phase him. "Stupid Isaac." The phrase cropped up once again. "Stupid stupid Isaac, what a wretched man I am."
He forces himself to look up, he can't be in his head forever, not if he wants to design cars. He looks at the couples in the university cafeteria around him. "I can't be a nice guy, those nice guys in r/niceguys always get laughed at." he reminds himself, but he didn't need to, because he didn't feel like a nice guy, he feels like a terrible guy, and all these other men around him, they're all better. "Look at that guy, he's buff and strong, that one is tall and handsome, that one has so much better fashion sense than him, and his hair looks cool, what have I done with myself?" He looks down at his sketchbook. "I draw cars, and cats, and I enjoy my engineering course, what a nerd I am. I shouldn't be sad about not having what I don't deserve."
The rain didn't seem to be stopping, but it did slow down a bit, he was getting tired of waiting and he wanted to get started on his assignments back in his room, so he decided that now is as good of a time as any other. He stuffed his sketchbook into his bag, it was a laptop bag, so it's water resistant, and draped his jacket over himself and the bag before making a run for it.