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Poop Witch

Nebrasolian
7
chs / week
The average realized release rate over the past 30 days is 7 chs / week.
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Synopsis
They say you can't choose where you're born... Well, that's nice talk to make you content with your miserable beginning. But... That damn wizard summoned my soul and merged it with a pile of stinking dung in the middle of nowhere. Everything is difficult. Everyone runs away from my smell—this if no inattentive person steps on me. And who is the smart one who will talk to foul-smelling dung? My beginning is the worst. But wait... the one who summoned me wasn't a sleight-of-hand performer—it was a wizard. This is a magical world... Could I possibly acquire some kind of magical power? Trust me, I will find you and I will kill you . Novel Classification: Comedy / Adventure / Magic / Superpowers / Isekai
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Chapter 1 - The Life Wizard

Daylight encroached upon the tyranny of the night, pushing it toward the West and brushing its warm hand over the outskirts of the capital, Tauredia.

In that mansion—or rather, a lavish Gothic palace filled with talismans of good fortune and angels of sweet dreams—young James, or "Jemmy" as the second son of the family preferred to be called, woke up before the sun itself. He prepared himself quickly; today was a special day. His father had promised to take him to the circus to meet his renowned idol:

The Life Wizard.

One of the most powerful sorcerers in the nation of Taured, whose performances drew people from every corner of the earth. The maids dressed little Jemmy in the finest garments, and he gathered all his stuffed toys to bring along. His wealthy father was going to buy him an exclusive, private meeting with the Wizard himself.

"Jemmy, don't take all your toys. Only take what you need."

"Yes, Mother."

It was true: money buys happiness. I hope no one lies to you and tries to make you content with poverty.

They boarded their luxury carriage toward the city center. The streets were choked with passersby and travelers who had come from afar to witness the show. The Borislav family procession sliced through those crowds like a knife through cake. The heart of the city was polluted with factory smoke and the roar of steam engines—a symphony of gloom that delighted Jemmy's bourgeois father, who owned nearly a quarter of those factories.

The wealthy didn't bother breathing the city's polluted air; they settled in the suburbs, leaving the heart of the city to the laborers crowded into cramped houses and tenements to be closer to their workplaces.

The circus appeared on the horizon like a spot of joy amidst a city covered in soot. It was a temporary breath of happiness amidst a bleak reality of servitude. The laughter of children rose high, despite the reality told by the missing limbs and severed fingers of some—sacrifices to the gods of steam and machinery they served nearly every day.

That didn't matter to little Jemmy, who had adopted his family's religious creed...

They disembarked from the carriage under heavy guard by soldiers and mages. Jemmy's attention was distracted by a girl who emitted the same aura as the Life Wizard. She was a browless girl with long, red eyes that glowed like a warning sign, hair as black as night, and pale white skin. She looked lost, agitated, and stifled in her clothes.

Jemmy's thoughts became scattered because of her. He stopped walking, contemplating her aura until his father called him and ordered one of the guards to report the girl to the police.

Jemmy played with some games at the carnival—not with the poor, but with the noble class. Every sight of misery and every filthy, grimy scene was kept far from his eyes. From the Ferris wheel to the roller coaster pulled by steam engines, his every thought—despite his enjoyment—was on the Life Wizard, who would breathe life into his stuffed dolls and small toys.

Then, they moved to the covered arena, crowded with tens of thousands of people. But that didn't matter to the Borislav family; they had purchased the perfect seats in the VIP room, complete with elite service.

The performances followed one after another: the Wizard of Birds and Rabbits, the Gravity Wizard, the Fire Wizard...

Everything was new to little Jemmy. He still possessed that innocent, childhood wonder for anything that broke the routine. His mind delighted in analyzing the tricks, trying to find a logical explanation and failing every time. But something was missing; their auras were ordinary, similar to the auras of some of his father's soldiers...

The Life Wizard's aura was distinct, unique, resembling the aura of that girl he had seen earlier. Suddenly, and without warning, a Rolla Bolla clown leaped from a height of 20 meters (65.61 ft) and crashed through the floor, causing the nerve-wracking tower he had built to collapse. His assistants gathered their things; the mirrors that had distributed daylight inside turned away, and darkness blanketed the place.

It seemed like the end of the show. Little Jemmy felt anxiety mixed with the fear that life had betrayed him.

But from among the crowd, an ordinary person leaped into the ring. He reached the center, placed his hand in front of his face, and with a quick swipe, his form changed completely.

The audience exploded with screams of adrenaline and dopamine flooding their veins. Girls fainted at the sight of him and the feeling of his aura. It was him—the famous Life Wizard. From the sheer force of the rising adrenaline, Jemmy began to cry with excitement.

He was a tall young man, taller even than the person he had been disguised as. He appeared to be in his thirties with ivory, angelic skin. With a powerful physique, broad shoulders, a sharp jawline, and silky black hair that reached his shoulders, his golden eyes shone. His clothes weren't those of a typical wizard, but a crisp white button-down shirt with black trousers and shoes—it looked more like work attire than a performer's costume.

The Wizard released hundreds of paper cranes... they weren't just paper capable of flight, but actual living birds. One of them flew near the VIP suite, and one of the Borislav guards caught it and handed it to Jemmy. The bird was actually resisting like a real bird. Driven by curiosity, Jemmy caught it and took it apart, but the bird quickly reassembled itself. Jemmy was startled, but his gaze soon turned to admiration as he watched the bird fly away.

The Wizard was literally breathing life into everything around him: ropes into snakes, statues into the creatures they represented, withered plants into living ones. He was like a saint walking the earth. Jemmy held out a finely crafted wooden doll made in the likeness of the Wizard himself; life surged into it, and it began to dance with him on stage.

Anything the Life Wizard touched or commanded turned into a living thing according to his will and rules. It was magnificent. His power did not stem from a mere complex transcendor; it was a literal programming of reality, instilling life and consciousness into inanimate objects. It was a power he alone monopolized in the world—the unique ability of his kind, a Hectotype update. He embodied the pinnacle of human evolution, an update whose cells do not age and whose telomerase length never diminishes.

The Life Wizard was a soldier named Dreadian Levonoski. He had served the kingdom for a full thousand years since he was granted the Life Programming formula, and thereafter worked as a volunteer to bring joy to humans in this miserable world.

The show ended with the Life Wizard stepping into his suitcase, which had grown wheels to exit the arena amidst the applause of the crowd and the rush of others to wait for him outside the theater.

The Borislav family headed to the guest hall for a private meeting with the Wizard. Jemmy's heart pounded thousands of times with excitement, as did the hearts of his mother and sister in secret. Then came Dreadian—his beauty was even more supreme than it had appeared on stage, an angelic aura overflowing with the flavor of the Hectotypes, and a stature befitting a god.

The mother and daughter barely composed themselves, but Jemmy didn't. He began pulling out his toys and said:

"I call this bear Flivo."

The Wizard replied in a perfect, deep voice:

"Tell me everything about him."

Jemmy then began recounting the life story of the bear, his wife, and his children. Based on that information, the Wizard breathed life into it. The same happened with his family and a porcelain maid statue with rabbit ears—literal entire lives. The maid statue moved with natural flexibility despite its body being made of solid porcelain; when touched, her body was flexible only relative to her will. The Wizard's power gave no regard to internal organs; it was an arbitrary imposition of life upon inorganic matter. He then returned the statue to him.

Outside, people crowded, waiting for the Life Wizard. Some carried statues, while others brought corpses. There were flyers about the astronomical prices for resurrecting the dead, along with a list of legal documents required to document the process. The Wizard emerged amidst the pleas and begging of the people for his attention. The lines organized to receive his blessing, and he said loudly:

"I will not resurrect those corpses."

An old woman begged for her son, and the Wizard said:

"It is written in the contract I made in court. Bring a statue or something similar. You cannot imagine the pain he would feel as he decomposes and worms gnaw at his body."

Little Jemmy stood watching the Wizard breathe life into plaster and wax statues and expertly made stuffed dolls in the likeness of their owners.

The crowd thickened around the Borislav family, and their soldiers dealt violently with anyone who drew near. His father cursed the poor organization that had lowered his noble family's status to jostle with the commoners. In that moment, Jemmy felt the aura of that girl in a police carriage—a captivating aura that distracted him. He followed it until he was separated from his family. He didn't even realize it until he found himself lost amidst the crowds, directly exposed to the poor who might kidnap him and demand a ransom from his greedy, tyrannical father.

After reviving several people—at a rate of one person per family—the Wizard suddenly withdrew when he grew bored, amidst the people's screams and pleas for him to return. He ignored them and went to his carriage, and from there to the train to depart.

In first class aboard the train, which would travel for several days, Dreadian washed off the smell of poverty and the soot of the poor. But here he was, returning with a budget a hundred times larger than this entire carnival—literally with assets stripped from the people. Between metal coins, checks, and precious metals like Flexomantium and rare Exotic matter in various forms, three carriages were literally filled with his possessions alone. Furthermore, he had acquired several beauties to improve their lineage; everyone wanted offspring from the latest type of human.

After bathing, he picked up the newspaper to see the latest news: monster attacks, strange phenomena, stocks rising and falling...

All of this in a world full of movement. Then, suddenly, one of the beautiful maids entered in a provocative, near-naked outfit, saying in a serious tone:

"Venerable Dreadian, there is something you must see."

"How important is it?"

"It might cause some trouble in the future."

"Very well."

He made his way to the back of the train. On the way, he encountered Levo, the Rolla Bolla player, and asked him where he was going with such wide strides. Levo replied that it was personal business.

The maid opened the suitcase, which was already slightly ajar. Inside was James... little Jemmy of the Borislav family, unconscious or perhaps asleep.

"Damn it."

They pulled him out of the suitcase, checking his pulse and vital signs with their aura. Levo entered to see what was happening.

"What is it?"

"You see this brat? He snuck into the suitcase and nearly suffocated inside."

"And what will you do?"

"We'll kidnap him and demand a ransom, obviously."

"Huh?!"

"I'm joking. We'll contact his family so they can come get him after we reach Nestoria... The question is, will this spoiled child endure being away from his parents for three weeks or more? And girl, put some clothes on; we don't want to shock the boy with such grand charms."

In the capital, Tauredia, the entire city police force was mobilized to search for James. People were interrogated, houses searched, and other departments notified to search everyone entering or leaving the city.

"Jemmy, come on, wake up," the maid said.

Jemmy woke up quietly. The ceiling wasn't the ceiling of his house. The smell wasn't the smell of his room. The surface of the furniture wasn't the surface of his room's furniture [The sense of surfaces, the sixth sense that enables a person in this world to perceive their surroundings through their aura]. The maid didn't look familiar, but he was drawn to her alluring appearance. Dreadian looked at him from a distance, offering a greeting. Jemmy's heart was at ease as Dreadian said:

"Why did you get into my suitcase?"

"I got lost from my family... and... and I went back to the carnival to find the room with your name on it."

"Why did you get in the suitcase? You haven't answered me yet."

"Okay, okay! I was scared of those people carrying the terrifying corpses, so I hid in the suitcase."

"Hmm, are you sure you didn't want to run away from home?"

"No... no, Mr. Life Wizard."

Dreadian smiled warmly and said, "Alright, no problem. Your parents might be late. Consider yourself at home. If you need anything, just tell me or one of the maids."

"How long will the journey take?"

"We are heading to Nestoria; the journey might take nine days."

Jemmy spent the rest of the day playing with Dreadian, his servants, and his living toys, having the best day of his life. As the sun set and the darkness of night deepened, the train stopped for the crew to rest. The passengers disembarked to breathe some fresh air amidst the hissing of the plains' grass at night. There were no humans or signs of civilization for 2,000 kilometers. Places like this were dangerous: predators, supernatural entities possessing a transcendor, sentient entities like the Uncanny, and mutated strains of hybrids, among others.

Dreadian drank some wine with Levo, some maids, and women wishing to improve their lineage, their moods soaring to the heavens.

Jemmy felt awe at the sight of the dark plains at night. The porcelain girl Dreadian had revived said:

"Jemmy, I feel scared. Let's go back inside."

"No, Dreadian is with us... the strongest hero in the kingdom. Monsters are afraid of him."

Levo whispered, "Heh, what if he knew you were a womanizer?"

They laughed together.

Jemmy heard them and asked, "What does 'womanizer' mean?"

The stuffed bear lounging with them replied, "He means he visits girls in their homes to offer help."

"Mr. Life Wizard, how can I become a superhero like you?"

"What is your Spiritual Number, boy?"

"My Spiritual Number? Um... it's 8."

Levo said, "Ugh, unfortunately."

Dreadian said with a smile, "Boy, you will never be like me. You aren't special. You are just a prototype. The reason people respect you is that your father is rich. That is the truth."

Jemmy's dreams shattered. He didn't want to believe such a dry truth, more bitter than he could bear. Not only was Dreadian a Hectotype, but so was Levo—who also monopolized a programming code, though his code was primarily for combat. Even that maid was a Tritotype, capable of using an Emitter transcendor. Little James's life held no importance to immortals like Dreadian and Levo. Jemmy's life, from birth to death, was nothing more than a transit station crushed by the wheel of time without mercy. He didn't have the power to make a change.

The maid tried to fix things and soften the blow, saying, "Venerable Dreadian is right, but you are lucky. We are the ones who defend huma—"

Little Jemmy interrupted her excitedly, "Mr. Life Wizard, I can also revive inanimate objects!"

The girls laughed, but Dreadian signaled them to be silent, saying:

"Alright, try it on..."

Levo pointed mockingly at a pile of feces. Jemmy was surprised and felt intense disgust, but he raised his hands and channeled his willpower, his prayers, and everything... and then, suddenly...

Nothing happened.

They laughed at Jemmy, and he felt deep shame. Then Dreadian said:

"I'll show you how easy it is."

He thought for a moment and focused his power on the pile of feces, saying:

"The soul, stripped of the body, is a link between two worlds: the Astral World and the Metaphysical World. In the Astral World, it is a group of abstract neurons called cognito particles, quantumly entangled with each other in specific ways to create the consciousness and the subconscious. This is called the Ego or the processor. There is also the Holosoma, the envelope that carries the processor and enables it to interact with inputs coming from the various astral bodies of the soul, which in humans are:

The Energosoma: The body linking energies and the Ego.

The Psychosoma: The body linking senses and the Ego.

The Mentalsoma: The body linking thoughts and the Ego.

All of these gather to create the ghost body known in the Astral World, which overlaps with our world.

As for the metaphysics, the entangled cognito particles produce two metaphysical entities. The first is the subconscious—that mechanical computing mechanism that works in the background. It is the most difficult part of creating or summoning a soul. It is what I feed with my commands, where I write memories and set boundaries. Its function is to convert the inputs coming from the Holosoma into Thosenes that go to the consciousness, which is a complete vacuum and a rift in existence trying to fill itself but unable to. It is the only incomplete being, not full of itself, so it seeks perfection through the process of swallowing the Thosenes provided by the subconscious. This creates the illusion of time.

After creating the soul, I link its astral cognito to molecules or atoms or anything within the creature's body, and even outside it. This bond anchors the Holosoma to the physical body called the soma. That body is moved by the Energosoma without muscles, perceived by the Psychosoma without senses, and thought with by the Mentalsoma without a brain."

Amidst the sensory darkness, Dilary felt the strange shape of her body. She opened her eyes, staring disgustedly at Dreadian and his companions.

Her foul stench drifted to her nose, making her feel unparalleled disgust, and she screamed in her feminine voice:

"Where is this smell coming from?!"

"Whoa! I created her as a female... You idiot, that's your smell!"

"What?!!!"

Dilary tried to look at herself and couldn't believe it. She began screaming, trying to wake up from the nightmare:

"You fools! Change me back to my normal shape!"

She heard wailing sounds, incomprehensible speech, and music that sounded reversed. These were the voices of terrifying Uncanny Valley entities... No one wanted any confrontation, so they withdrew, leaving Dilary to face the danger.