So I thought about it for quite a while.
I wasn't sure what to put on here.
Perhaps it was seeking confidence? Seeking confirmation?
All of which I am not truly sure, myself.
To reiterate what started this novel I must first explain my rough situation. Same old every tiger parent story. However, mine walked the path of athletics.
Although it seems our family is harmonious on the surface it is rather disfunctional.
And one of my core insights into this world is, money or rather the lack of money can corrupt even the purest of love and deepest affection. Under money nothing is safe.
Strange isn't it? How a man made concept of creation is made to ruin fellow men? How many families have been ruined within the realm of financial disaster?
But is money the issue? No, rather it is not money that ruins people, but a lack of money.
So, my first goal in life was to never rely on money as my anchor.
If everything is tied to money, then having no money is essentially tying your hands and feet.
I want to be without a lack of money and in circumstances where money ties my hand and feet I will still have a solution.
Unfortunately I am still on my third year of undergrad.
Tonight I wish to tell my parents that I don't want them to go without funds for retirement simply because they want to bank on me to succeed in life. I am aware they do not wish for any returns but do it from the bottom of their heart.
However, what once became a dream of medicine for personal interests has now been tied and mixed with their money and expectations.
Something I find rather, discomforting.
I believe I am a strong character and have strong mental fortitude. But that is regarding external influences.
I think regarding familial affairs I am rather weak.
I don't think I can stomach this pressure from having the entire family bank on me in a gamble I myself and not entirely sure when my dream will come true.
It will come true, of that, I am sure.
However the duration until that, I am vastly unsure of.
So while I have thought of this many times over the past and the many fights. I think what I wish for dearly is the release of the leash of dependency.
I think for the first time I will go through with saying what I want to say.
I will gather my strength and explain to them. I do not wish for external pressure for my own dream. Rather having the motivation dampened by external influences due to monetary leverage.
I'm aware, my parents don't need to do this for me but they did.
Hence I don't think I can carry their expectations safely.
I think for the first time I will be able to say what I want to say and be free.
I asked for help and planned it out with strict budgeting and finding a job. Due to my past athletic history I'm sure once I get my cpr training and vet checks I will be able to become a swim instructor working part time.
I did the math, If I want a surplus of over 100 per week, then I will require 20 hours of work at a rate of 40 per hour at least.
Tonight I will tell them when they get back home.
Hopefully my parents will have slightly calmed down enough for me to initiate this conversation.
I truly do not wish to hurt them, but I think I have been repressing my own concerns for my mental health for too long.
I've even started noticing it only just recently in which my mood is near a constant low.
Hopefully,
Hopefully,
Hopefully everything goes well tonight.
Hopefully.
I will no longer be writing fanfics but rather updating this diary in entries. I do not expect anyone to read this but having it seen at least, I believe I will feel content knowing that someone will know of my experiences.