Metaverse · Hogwarts Server.
The virtual castle was now a pile of ruins.
Voldemort's "Clone Army of the Dark Lord" was flooding the Gryffindor common room like locusts.
On the other side, a blond man in a bespoke Armani suit, swirling a glass of red wine, stood elegantly on the Slytherin long table.
"Tom, your aesthetic is truly... nauseating."
Gellert Grindelwald looked disdainfully at the screens full of "Peppa Pigs" and "Hello Kitty Voldemorts," his magnetic voice echoing. "A true Dark Lord should measure purity with money, not these cheap pixels."
He snapped his fingers.
Suddenly, a rain began to fall from the sky... a rain of Galleons?
No, something superior to Galleons—"Grindelwald Coins (G-Coins)."
With every gold coin that fell, one of Voldemort's clones was smashed to pieces, turning into a pile of glitched code.
"What sorcery is this?!"
Voldemort screamed in the command channel. "Why can't my 'Invincible Cheat' block his coins?! This isn't scientific!"
"This is Economics, Tom." Grindelwald sneered, pulling a digital contract from his pocket. "I just acquired the 'Root Node' of this server. Simply put, the current Metaverse belongs to 'Grindelwald'. Your clones, having no 'Paid Subscription', are judged by the system as 'Illegal Intrusions'."
Ivan, watching the screen, was dumbfounded.
"Where did this old devil... get the money?"
"He converted Nurmengard Castle into a 'Metaverse Luxury Resort'." The muscular avatar of Dumbledore appeared behind Ivan, holding a bucket of popcorn. "Tickets cost ten thousand Galleons each. And... he issued 'Dumbledore Concept Stocks'."
> [System Alert: The "Old Bee's Beard" NFT you hold has appreciated by 500%. Current Market Value: 100,000 Galleons.]
Ivan looked at his account balance and fell into contemplation.
So the biggest winner was me all along?
Just as Grindelwald was preparing to strangle Voldemort with his "Capital Chain," the system suddenly issued a piercing alarm.
"WARNING! WARNING! House-elf Dobby (ID: 001) Critical Failure! Core temperature exceeds critical value! Requesting immediate shutdown for maintenance!"
Ivan's face changed as he switched to backend monitoring.
Dobby's virtual avatar was carrying a mountain of code (junk data from Voldemort's mining) on his back, running frantically at the server's base layer.
Green code tears flowed from his eyes, and he kept muttering:
"Dobby must move bricks! Dobby must earn Galleons for Master Ivan! Dobby can't stop! Stopping means account deletion!"
"Damn it!" Ivan shouted. "Dobby overclocked the 'Perpetual Motion Core' I installed! He's converting life force into computing power!"
"Then force him offline!" Snape said coldly from the side. "Or install a heat sink on him."
"Too late!"
On the screen, Dobby suddenly stopped, his body flickering violently.
"Dobby... Dobby seems to see... the blue screen of... freedom..."
Bang!
Dobby's virtual avatar exploded into a pixelated mushroom cloud.
> [System Alert: House-elf Dobby has died from "Overwork". Current Status: Recycle Bin. Resurrection requires: 1 Nuclear Reactor + 500 Galleons Funeral Fee.]
Dead silence in the lounge.
Lucius Malfoy huddled in the corner, muttering: "This is the result of unpaid overtime... even in virtual reality."
"Now is not the time for reflection!" Hermione's anxious voice came through. "Ivan! My logic bomb failed!"
Hermione's virtual avatar was trapped in an infinite loop room.
Two doors stood before her.
Left Door: "This statement is true."
Right Door: "The Left Door is lying."
Hermione stood with her wand, frozen, mechanically repeating:
"If the left door is true, then the right door is false, so the left door is lying... no, if the left door is lying, then the right door is true... AH! My head! My CPU!!"
> [System Alert: Hermione Granger encountered "Logical Dead Loop", IQ dropping... Current Intellect Level: Troll Class.]
"We're doomed." Ron covered his face in despair. "She only knew rote memorization before, now she can't even do that! She just asked me what '1+1' is, I said 3, and she believed it!"
Ivan felt a headache coming on.
A crashed Dobby, a dumbed-down Hermione, a Grindelwald throwing money around, and a Voldemort on the verge of breakdown.
This Metaverse was harder to manage than the real world!
"Everyone move!"
Ivan took a deep breath, his hands blurring over the keyboard.
"Since you guys like playing with rules, I'll give you some 'Physical Rules'."
He opened the backend "Admin Console" and found the slider named [Hogwarts · Gravitational Constant].
Current value: 1.0 (Normal).
Ivan revealed a nuclear-kind smile.
He dragged the slider directly to: 100.0.
BOOM!
In the Metaverse, everyone fell to their knees instantly.
Grindelwald, who had been gracefully tossing coins, was crushed flat onto the table, his wine glass shattering.
"Oh! Damn it! Why did my suit become so heavy?!"
Voldemort, frantically cloning himself, suffered worse.
His thousands of clones fell like dumplings, splattering into meat paste (pixelated version).
"What's happening?! My Flight Spell failed?! Quirrell! Help me up! My spine snapped!"
Only Snape's avatar (the Lolita big sister) managed to stay standing, albeit swaying, thanks to a stable center of gravity (or perhaps the large chest?).
He looked coldly at the Dark Lords and Dark Wizards lying on the ground, mocking:
"A bunch of trash. Can't even adapt to high gravity, and you want to rule the world?"
Ivan broadcasted across the server:
"Listen up! I'm taking over the server! Everyone stop attacking immediately! Or I'll crank gravity to 1000x and flatten you all into 2D paper people!"
Grindelwald, lying on the floor, struggled to lift his head to look at the giant "GM" symbol in the sky.
"Very good... Potter." Grindelwald gritted his teeth, excitement shining in his eyes. "You've successfully caught my attention. This crude management style... reminds me of my younger days. Name your price to reset gravity. I can buy the naming rights for the entire server's gravity system."
"I don't take money." Ivan's voice boomed. "I want all of you to go hold a wake for Dobby immediately! And release Hermione! Or I'll change all your avatars to 'Peppa Pig'!"
Voldemort and Grindelwald shuddered simultaneously.
For people who valued "Style" above all else, becoming Peppa Pig was a fate worse than death.
"I agree!" Voldemort surrendered first. "As long as I don't wear Hello Kitty, I'll do anything! Quirrell! Go burn incense for that house-elf!"
"I have no objections." Grindelwald fixed his flattened hair. "But in exchange, I want to build a 'Grindelwald Tower' in this Metaverse. It must be taller than Dumbledore's Muscle Statue."
Just then, the silent Muscle Dumbledore suddenly came online.
Under 100x gravity, he walked step by step toward Grindelwald, the floor trembling with each step.
"Gellert," Dumbledore looked down at him, complex emotions in his eyes, "is the foundation of your tower solid? Don't let it be a tofu-dreg project like last time."
Grindelwald looked at this powerful old lover (?), froze for a second, then revealed an arrogant smile:
"Albus, as long as you're willing to be the supervisor, I'll rename the tower 'Dumbledore's Glory'."
Ivan watched this scene and silently dialed gravity back to 10x.
"These old gays... better leave them some couple time."
However, just as he breathed a sigh of relief.
A loud explosion came from the real-world Hogwarts.
BOOM!!
The entire castle shook violently, and all lights went out.
"What happened?!" Ivan rushed out of the staff room.
Flames soared into the sky from the direction of the Forbidden Forest.
The "Cold Fusion Alchemical Furnace" powering the Metaverse had overloaded due to Ivan's frantic operations.
"ALERT! ALERT! Reactor Core Meltdown Countdown: 10 Minutes!"
Skynet (managed by Fudge after Dobby crashed) issued a mechanical female voice warning.
Worse, the entrance to the Metaverse began to flash red.
> [Warning: Real-world power insufficient. Metaverse forced offline imminent. All unsaved data will be lost.]
On the screen, Grindelwald and Voldemort's faces changed simultaneously.
Grindelwald: "My one billion Galleons haven't been withdrawn!!"
Voldemort: "My NFT skewers are still in the oven!!"
Ivan looked at the reactor about to explode, then at his phone with only 9% battery.
"It seems," Ivan sighed, pulling a stick of dynamite from his pocket, "we need some harder-core 'Physical Cooling'."
"Professor Snape!" Ivan shouted. "Lend me your hair growth potion! I need the 'Super Glue' component inside to seal the reactor cracks!"
Snape: ???
Do you want to blow me up into the sky too?