I Became a Clown for the Intergalactic Elite
Chapter 1. The System Is Fucking With Me
Debil went on a date with a girl for the first time in two years. They were sitting in a restaurant. Just a little bit more — and he would've had himself one hell of a night.
"I hope you've got condoms in your bag?" the girl asked.
Debil just smiled. "I don't carry condoms in my bag, baby. I am the condom."
After his joke the girl first went silent, then suddenly started laughing — loudly.
But something went wrong. She snorted. Snot started flowing from her nose. She tried to cover her mouth and nose with her hand — and immediately began choking.
Debil jumped up and hit her on the back with all his strength. The girl puked straight into her plate.
"You okay?" Debil asked. "Look, I'm telling you straight — even after this I'm not dumping you. Well… at least not tonight. We still have to fuck first. I didn't invite you out for nothing."
A couple of seconds later the girl came to, grabbed her bag and just bolted out of the restaurant.
Debil took off after her, but at the exit the bouncers stopped him.
"Hold it." "You think we're stupid?" one of them said. "We've seen dozens like you. You'll run off and not pay." "We're not falling for that," the second one added.
"What are you even talking about? I wasn't going to run," Debil replied.
But the bouncers weren't listening. They dragged him to the cashier where he paid the bill plus a fine for the damage.
When he finally ran outside, the girl was nowhere to be seen. He tried calling her — number blocked.
"Fuck!" Debil shouted.
And right then a voice rang inside his head.
"Hi, Debil. Congratulations! You have been selected as the chief clown for the entertainment of the intergalactic elite."
"What the hell is this? Am I losing my mind?" he muttered.
"Apparently yeah. Since you're talking to yourself," said a guy walking by.
"Yeah… looks like I really am going crazy," Debil sighed.
"No, you're not going crazy. You can hear me perfectly." "I repeat: you have been selected as the chief clown for the entertainment of the intergalactic elite."
The voice was pleasant, clear, almost like an advertisement. As if it had been recorded for a banner that said: "Become an Idiot and Win the Galaxy."
"Looks like it's time for the asylum," Debil whispered.
"Why don't you believe me?! I've already explained it three times!" the voice got genuinely annoyed.
Suddenly a menu appeared in front of his eyes.
"Here, check your stats. Now the System lives in your head."
The menu looked ridiculous:
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
"And why are you showing me this if you haven't even invented the system yet?" Debil asked.
"We invented the system. We haven't invented the categories." "When we do, you'll be able to level them up."
"Then invent the damn categories first!" Debil yelled.
"Is he high or what?" a passerby asked.
Debil shut up, turned around and went home. Then he just went to sleep.
The next morning Debil woke up and immediately called that same girl again. Surprisingly, his number was no longer blocked.
She picked up right away.
"Look. Forget everything that happened yesterday. We're never seeing each other again. I'm moving to another country."
"Wait wait wait—don't hang up!" Debil interrupted. "Baby, everything that happened yesterday means nothing. Let's keep this going. You'll be my Justin Bieber and I'll be your personal P. Diddy."
"Are you high right now?" the girl said and hung up immediately.
Debil tried calling again. This time — permanently blocked.
Right after that the voice returned in his head.
"You received 5 Skill Points for a successful joke. You can spend them upgrading one of the categories. To open the menu, just say: 'Open Menu'."
"Open Menu," Debil said.
The menu immediately appeared:
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
"You still haven't invented anything!" Debil shouted.
"Just dump the points randomly for now. We'll think of something later," the voice lazily replied.
"What kind of intergalactic system can't come up with basic categories? Is it really that hard? Just make 'Intelligence', 'Strength', 'Speed' and be done with it."
"No. That's way too cliché. We're trying to come up with something unique," the System said.
"Fine, whatever…" Debil muttered.
He sighed and put all 5 points into the first category.
The menu updated instantly:
[Not invented yet] — 5 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
[Not invented yet] — 0 points
"Excellent," the System said. "Now you've become… well, somebody."
"Super. Very informative," Debil replied.
Debil decided to go for a walk.
While walking through the park, the familiar voice called out in his head.
[New Quest Received] Make the Intergalactic Inspector Laugh.
"And how the hell am I supposed to do that?" Debil asked.
In the exact same second a massive portal tore open in the sky right above him.
Out stepped… an octopus. Huge. Purple. In a black suit, white shirt, perfectly knotted tie. All business.
"So… I need to make him laugh?" Debil clarified.
"Yeah. You see anyone else standing here?" the System answered.
Debil looked around. People were calmly walking, eating ice cream, feeding pigeons. No one reacted.
"Other people can't see him?"
"We're not stupid enough to show ourselves to everyone," the voice replied.
"I thought you were brain-dead idiots."
"I thought you were brain-dead idiots," Debil repeated out loud.
"By the way, I forgot to mention one thing," the System said.
"If you don't complete this quest within one minute, you die."
"WHAT?! And you're only telling me this NOW?!"
"By the way, you have 30 seconds left."
Debil panicked.
"20 seconds."
He had no idea what to say. Brain completely shut off.
And then he just… started laughing.
"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
"10 seconds."
The octopus looked at him. Pause.
Then its tentacles started shaking. It burst out laughing too.
"HAAAAAAAAA!"
[Quest Completed] Reward: +5 Skill Points
Debil let out a huge breath.
"What did I even do…?"
The octopus silently turned, stepped back into the portal and disappeared.
"These intergalactic beings are weird," Debil said.
"He laughed because I was laughing…?" he wondered.
"Hey, System. You there?"
"Do whatever you want for now. I'm too lazy to talk to you," the voice replied.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me…"
But there was no more response.
Debil walked around the park a little longer and then went home.