"Kuya* [1]Jen, have you ever fall in love?"
I paused, surprised by the question. My little brother, who had just turned seventeen last month, stared at me with eyes that looked far too serious for someone his age. Seriously, this kid.
I turned my head to him, cocking an eyebrow with a slight smirk.
"Why? Are you in love~?" I teased, poking his side. It was the older brother in me who couldn't help but tease him just a little.
Honestly, I was surprised because it was the first time he had opened up about something to me, and believe me, I didn't expect it to be about love.
But unlike usual, he didn't push my hand away or laugh. He just...went quiet.
Weird.
And then his head bowed low.
"Hey, Henzo, why ar—Are you crying?!" I asked, my voice rising in alarm. Tears had started to stream down his face. His mouth twisted downward into a deep frown, and I watched, stunned, as his shoulders began to shake.
"Kuya...what do I do? Hero said that he'll be leaving next week."
His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. Hero. The name wasn't new, of course. I had heard him mention this boy before. At first, he only viewed this boy as our neighbor, then as a friend. But I guess now that wasn't their label anymore.
Now, the way he said it. The pain, the trembling, there was more to it. My brother clung to me tightly as he used to when we were kids, just because he had a nightmare and couldn't fall asleep alone.
I didn't know what to say, so I just did what I could. I ruffled his hair and patted his back.
"Come on, if he's gonna leave, why not spend more time with him rather than cry and hate on him for leaving?" I said softly, brushing away his tears with my thumb.
"But what if he doesn't want to see me now?" he asked, hiccupping between words. He cried so loudly, just like the time he cried when I hid all his books and he thought they were gone forever.
He was seven then. But he's seventeen now. And this time, it wasn't just books.
It was a boy. And a boy he clearly loved.
I let out a soft laugh, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Oh, come on. If he loves you, he wouldn't hate you. That's not how love works."
He glanced up at me with puffy eyes, his lips trembling.
"Because if he didn't, I'll punch him in the face," I added with a dead-serious expression. That got a small laugh out of him, and he punched my arm lightly.
"Please don't."
"There's that smile," I said, relieved. "Now, contact him. Talk before it's too late." I stated as I grabbed his phone and handed it to him.
He nodded quickly and wiped his face. "I'm gonna stop him!"
And then, bang! He stood up too quickly, bumping his head right into my chin.
"OW!" I groaned, rubbing my jaw as he sprinted out of the room like a man on a mission.
"And I'm going to make him pay for not telling me!" he shouted as he disappeared down the hallway, fire burning in his eyes.
I was left sitting on the edge of my bed, cradling my chin in pain.
"Kids these days." I sighed, the smile on my face slowly disappearing as the room was quiet again.
Then, my gaze shifted.
It was still there, the photo. Pinned to the back of my door. I stood slowly and stepped closer. My fingertips brushed against the frame.
"So, it's still here," I murmured.
It was a photo from my high school graduation. I was standing beside him.
Nova.
I smiled faintly, almost bitterly. Who wouldn't smile when your crush, your first and last love, is standing next to you in a photo? Of course, I would be over the moon while grinning from ear to ear.
I know, surprise! I'm gay. But I wasn't interested in guys. I was only interested in him, which made me realize my sexuality.
But that picture wasn't just that. It was the day we graduated. The day the school took a picture of the Top 1 and Top 2 students.
He was always one rank above me. Always the first in everything.
Always...untouchable.
A drop of water slid onto the photo. I sniffled and wiped it away.
"Really, Jen?" I whispered to myself. Still sniffling as I caress his face in the photo. Why am I always so dramatic? It's so...pathetic.
He was the only one who could make me cry like this for the past 5 years.
5 fucking long years. Yes, it's that long. That's how long I've been holding onto these feelings. I should have moved on years ago.
I sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling, letting the memory unfold like it always did, sharpening in my mind, clear as yesterday.
It was the last day of high school.
People were cheering, laughing, crying, taking selfies, and taking group photos. The entire school yard was buzzing with bittersweet energy.
But I only had one thing in mind.
I kept glancing around for him.
Nova Greatstone.
He was always tall, alone, or at least, surrounded, but emotionally untouched living on his own world. So it's always easy to spot him.
"Jen!" I heard our adviser, Ms. Emma, call as she signed towards the side of the stadium. I ran, because I knew he was there.
"Congratulations!" Ms. Emma cheered as I approached her, as I noticed the tall figure behind her.
From my peripheral vision, I saw him turn towards us. Making me look at him, our eyes made eye contact.
I blushed and turned my attention towards Ms. Emma.
"Thank you, Ms. Emma." I smiled as she patted my back.
"I'll be going to my seat now. All you have to do is go up and receive your award, okay?" She instructed cheerfully, and we nodded before she left.
And if silence were a sound, it would be ringing in my ears loudly right now. We're standing side by side, and my heart couldn't help but beat for him.
I took a glance, and for a moment, our eyes met again.
"Uh...congrats." I smiled at him, while he just stared at me with his usual expression. So, I immediately looked away.
I felt a pang in my chest. It's fine, Jen. He's always been like that.
In the first place, I wasn't supposed to fall for him. We were rivals. So naturally, I should've hated him.
But maybe that's where it started.
From wanting to beathim...to wanting to understandhim...to just...wanting him.
We stood side-by-side in our graduation robes, medals gleaming against our chests. A teacher handed my phone to a classmate to take a picture of us. I tried not to look too excited.
But the corners of my mouth couldn't help but turn. The loud cheers, laughter, and the music couldn't conceal the sound of my heart beating for him as we stood near each other, our arms touching through the graduation robes. But Nova just stood there.
He didn't smile.
He never did, that time. But I smiled enough for the both of us.
And after the ceremony, I saw him outside, earbuds in, walking toward the gate. And something inside me screamed.
It's now or never.
"Nova!" I called out.
He paused and slowly turned, taking out one earbud. His eyes met mine, unreadable as ever. There were times I'd catch his eyes gleaming, like they held a secret the world hadn't touched. But now, they're back to how they used to be. Dull, distant, and drowning in a kind of sadness I can't quite name.
"What?" He asked, I pursed my lips as I walked up to him, heart pounding in my chest. My throat felt tight. But I had to do it. If not now, then never.
"I—I just wanted to tell you..."
My hands were shaking. I clenched my fists.
"I like you!"
The words spilled out before I could second-guess them. My cheeks burned, and for some reason, my eyes watered. I couldn't meet his eyes.
Silence.
When I looked up, he was staring at me. Those sharp eyes locked onto mine.
He didn't move, he didn't speak, and his expression didn't change.
And that silence. God, that silence...was my answer.
He didn't like me back.
I laughed nervously, trying to recover, though my vision was already blurred with tears.
"I know you d-don't l-like me. It's o-okay," I said quickly, bowing. "T-thank you for being my inspiration. F-for p-pushing me to be b-better...t-that's all."
And I ran. Like a coward.
And that was the last time I saw him.
Back in my room, I wiped the tears from my face again.
"Nova..."
Just saying his name made my chest ache.
I thought I had moved on. I thought I'd buried those feelings with my teenage years.
But maybe you never really forget your first love. Especially when it never had a chance to bloom.
Maybe I just...loved him too much.
My phone buzzed and turned on and off. I leaned on the bed and turned my phone on, and to my surprise, it was our class group chat from 5 years ago.
Then, before I could even open the group chat, a name flashed before my eyes. Glaring at the phone and pressing the green button.
"Why did you call, Keth?" I answered, sniffing and wiping my tears, making the person on the other line laugh.
"So rude, but have you seen the messages in our group chat?"
"Well, how can I read it when you suddenly called?" I scoffed, making him chuckle.
"Jen, chill. But I just wanted to tell you that I will see you on May 4." My brows furrowed as I suddenly sat up.
"What do you mea–"
"Jen, there would be a reunion on May 4 in Palawan." I gasped.
"What?! A class reunion?!" I shouted, I'm not going. The heck no!
Just the thought of seeing him makes my heart ache, and what hurts more is that it aches with longing, not resentment. And I hate that about myself...I really do.
"And you can't refuse because our president already paid for our flights. So no one's allowed to cancel. By #Foreverdemanding Maria." He spat, and I almost chuckled.
But then I remembered.
"B-but you know he'll be there right? What am I g-going to d–"
"Girl, Nova hasn't even posted anything about himself for the past 5 years! It's like he completely vanished 5 years ago. So there's no chance he'll be going." He reasoned, making me stop and sigh.
He's right.
No matter how hard I looked for any updates about him, the first year after graduation, wala akong nahanap. It was so weird how he just vanished.
"So, when are you coming back?" I asked him, and he squealed.
"Next week! So, find a café that we can go to!" He said with a demanding tone.
I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'll be going now, so take care there."
"Uh-huh, take care too and SEE YOU~ LOVE Y—" I pressed the red button.
My eardrums almost burst from his loud voice.
He never changed a bit.
Now, with nothing to do with my free time, I lie down on my bed.
"Please don't come." I closed my eyes as my consciousness drifted away.
"JENOAH BAYANI, GET DOWN, RIGHT NOW!"
My body immediately stood up as my brain flared up, and I rushed down the stairs and smelled smoke. Burning meat? What is th—FUCK! THE CHICKEN!
I saw her, standing with her arms crossed, as a burnt chicken lying on a tray was on the table.
"Yes, 'Ma?" I smiled cheekily. As I saw my Mom, holding her usual spatula, pointing it towards me.
"Didn't I tell you to turn off the oven?" I gulped as she scrunched her nose.
"Ye–"
"BUY ROASTED CHICKEN, THIS INSTANT!!"
And that's how I ended up with a chicken in my hand right now. I gripped the plastic bag as I felt my stomach growl.
"I want to eat." I cried, as I was about to turn towards our subdivision, I saw a sleek little spot with warm lights and a familiar vibe. A cafe? Here? That's new, I guess a lot of students pass here.
"Café Novus. Wow, fancy." I commented as I walked in.
Okay, just one milktea. Just one milktea. I thought repeatedly in my head.
"Good afternoon, Sir."
A voice greeted. It was somewhat...familiar?
I looked up in disbelief.
"Wait...Jenoah Bayani?"
There he was.
My heart throbbed.
I knew it, he was him. Nova.
He looked mature, and his face was sharper than before, but still unreadable. He stood behind the counter, wearing a black apron. His expression was the same, cold and unreadable, but his eyes flickered for a moment.
Like he didn't expect to see me either.
"I didn't know you lived around here," he stated, almost like it was natural. As he continued to wipe the bottle with a towel, completely unbothered.
While I'm here, completely stunned to my core. I felt my mouth go dry. "Uh...yeah. I live nearby."
He didn't say anything right away as he placed the cup on the counter and wiped his hands before walking in front of me behind the counter.
"Welcome to my café." he said, staring at me with his usual calm face, and I smiled.
So it was his café.
"It's nic--"
"Remember me?" I closed my mouth as I stared back at him.
Of course, how could I forget? I repeatedly wrote your name in every notebook and book I have read, and repeatedly called it in my head.
"Y-yup...N-nova Greatstone," I almost whispered, unsure whether to feel dizzy or grateful that I hadn't dropped the plastic on my hand.
He nodded once. "It's been a while, Noah."
Not 'How are you?' Not 'Nice to see you again.' Just that, 'It's been a while.'
Too long, I thought. And yet, not long enough.
And that nickname again. A nickname that's always lingered in my heart, even before I knew why it mattered so much.
His eyes lingered on me for a second longer than necessary. Like he wanted to say more.
Please...don't ask anything else.
"So what would you like to get?" He asked, making eye contact with me. Making me sigh in relief. Thank God he didn't ask me about that day.
I would die.
"Y-yeah," I said quickly, clearing my throat and standing. "A m-macha latte and take out, please."
Fuck the milktea, I need to calm down my nerves.
"That would be 175 pesos, Sir. Cash or card?" He asked, I guess he's in his business mode now, huh?
"C-cash." I felt embarrassed for some reason as I pulled out my money from my pocket and handed him a two-hundred-peso paper bill.
My hands trembled, "I received 200 pesos."
Our hands touched, and for some reason, his hand wrapped around mine completely as he slid the money out of my grasp.
I felt the heat transferring through the palm of my hand. I glanced at him and he was...chuckling?
I stood there, frozen, as I heard the paper and cluttering over the counter.
"Your change, Sir." He said, with his usual face again, as he handed me the change.
"T-thank you." I stuttered, my hands still trembling.
"You can sit first while waiting for your latte." He stated, before turning his back on me, and started preparing the drink.
"Y-yes..."
I didn't know how I went home that day. It was all a blur, from the moment I saw him lay down the hot matcha latte in front of me, I gulped.
"T-thank you," I said before chugging the whole cup, wiping my mouth with a tissue, leaving him frozen there.
I didn't know what to feel back then.
I don't know if I'm in pain because of my burned throat and tongue, or if I'm feeling thrilled, or if I'm happy to see him.
But one thing is certain: I'm confused.
I crouched on the ground.
But my hands trembled, and one thing is for sure.
My heart was still in the past.
Still stuck on a boy I once loved.
[1] (A/N: Kuya is used as a polite title or form of address for an older man in the Philippines.)