Inside the Senju Compound.
Mizuna and Kakuzu were staring at each other, engaged in a staring contest.
After a long silence, Kakuzu spoke:
"Boss... how do you plan to handle the tobacco business?"
Mizuna snapped out of it and said:
"Handle it however you want... 70-30 split."
Kakuzu was unhappy.
"Boss! If I'm the one coming up with the plan, shouldn't I get more?"
Mizuna raised an eyebrow.
"How do you want to split it?"
Kakuzu blurted out:
"50-50!"
Veins popped on Mizuna's forehead.
"Are you the boss or am I the boss? You want 50-50? Do you believe I'll give you a 50-50 split right now?"
Kakuzu was confused.
"Boss, how will you give me a 50-50 split?"
Mizuna pointed to the five horses in the stable nearby.
"I'll tie ropes to your limbs and head, then have these five horses pull in different directions. Tear you into five pieces!" (Note: Ancient punishment "Five Horses Split the Body").
Shang Yang (Note: Ancient reformer who died this way): "Kids... this isn't funny!"
Kakuzu laughed awkwardly, thinking his boss was joking, so he didn't take it seriously.
"Boss, stop joking. Who could be that cruel?"
Mizuna didn't answer, just smiled. A smile that sent chills down Kakuzu's spine.
(Future Kakuzu would definitely not think this was a joke... His boss... really does commit crimes when needed...)
Kakuzu didn't give up. He ground Mizuna down for two whole hours. Finally, they settled on 35-65.
After succeeding, Kakuzu took the goods prepared by Mizuna and set off.
Kakuzu decided to sell a little bit in each village first to test the market, then sell in bulk later.
His first target was the Hidden Stone Village (Iwagakure) in the Land of Earth.
This was suggested by Mizuna after hearing Kakuzu's plan. Mizuna remembered the Tsuchikage lighting a pipe during the meeting, so he wanted Kakuzu to try the Stone Village.
As for why not start with the Land of Fire? Mizuna requested it. Being a ninja is a high-stress job with constant risk of death. Smoking relieves stress, making cigarettes an easier sell in the ninja market abroad first.
Kakuzu heard this logic and shouted "666" (Awesome/Pog).
Then he set off for the Land of Earth.
Mizuna saw him off at the gate. Watching Kakuzu's shadow stretch long under the setting sun, Mizuna sighed with emotion:
"Go, Kakuzu! Go scam the entire Ninja World!"
---
At the Konoha Main Gate.
Kakuzu saw two familiar faces.
Koki Gekko and Kotetsu Maru.
Kakuzu walked up to them.
"Yo? Isn't it the security guards? Still watching the gate? You two will never amount to anything~ Unlike me, going out to do big business~"
Their faces turned red with anger, but they couldn't retort because Hashirama had said earlier:
"This guy is one of us now. No infighting!"
They could only endure.
Kakuzu got smug. Seeing they ignored him, he prepared to leave. Before leaving, he spat a glob of phlegm right inside the Konoha gate. Ptooey!
"Bah! I said I would regain my face! I, Kakuzu, keep my word!"
But before Kakuzu could walk far, the two guards tackled him to the ground.
Kakuzu was confused.
"You... what are you doing! I'm a villager! You can't touch me!"
Koki Gekko smiled.
"Mr. Kakuzu! You are under arrest for spitting and damaging Konoha's environment! Come with us!"
Kakuzu was stunned.
"You aren't the Police Force! You have no right to arrest me!"
Kotetsu Maru, pinning him down, laughed.
"So what? Security guards aren't cops? Lord Hokage said everyone can be a cop! Come with us!"
Kakuzu got angry. He exploded with Chakra, blasting the two away, and sprinted forward.
"Hahaha! You bastards! You'll never catch me in this life! Hahaha!"
Kotetsu looked at Koki.
"No choice. We have to use the technique Lord Tobirama taught us!"
Koki nodded.
They pulled out a massive pile of shuriken equipped with electric discharge devices. These were Tobirama's newly invented Taser Shuriken. A few hits could take down a Jonin.
Pulling out a whole pile meant they didn't intend for Kakuzu to have a good time.
They looked at each other and shouted in unison:
"EMPTY THE CLIP!" (Note: " Empty the magazine/shuriken pouch).
Kakuzu heard them shouting nonsense behind him and turned his head in confusion.
Are they crazy?
It would have been fine if he didn't turn around. But once he did... tragedy struck.
Several shuriken hit "Little Kakuzu" directly. Instantly, Kakuzu felt his crotch go numb.
"OH HO HO!" (Note: Tom Cat scream).
Before he could recover, another wave of shuriken flew over.
Because his lower body was paralyzed, he couldn't dodge. He took them all.
Kakuzu convulsed on the ground, looking like a breakdancer having a seizure.
Seeing Kakuzu down, Koki and Kotetsu rushed up to pin him.
Kotetsu pressed his knee into Kakuzu's neck. Koki pinned his hands.
Kakuzu's face was pressed into the dirt, his neck crushed.
Suddenly, Kakuzu felt he couldn't breathe. He shouted frantically:
"I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Let me go!"
Because his face was in the dirt, his words were muffled. Kotetsu didn't hear clearly.
"What is he saying?"
Kotetsu looked at Koki.
Koki listened carefully and translated:
"He said: 'You two trash, didn't you eat breakfast? I'm about to break free!'"
Hearing this, Kotetsu got angry. Is that so? He applied more pressure.
Kakuzu felt his consciousness fading... and passed out.
---
Konoha Prison.
Kakuzu woke up in a cell.
Sitting opposite him was an Uchiha uncle with sharp eyes.
Uchiha Daikon.
Seeing the sharp gaze, Kakuzu sat up immediately.
Daikon didn't speak. He just took out a bottle of sake and signaled Kakuzu to drink.
Kakuzu didn't think much. Free booze? Why not?
After he drank, Daikon asked:
"Why did you come to Konoha?"
Kakuzu laughed.
"I'm a merchant. Here to stock up."
Daikon signaled him to drink again.
Kakuzu downed a mouthful.
Daikon asked:
"Why become a merchant?"
Maybe the alcohol hit him, but Kakuzu started babbling nonsense.
He suddenly stood up straight, at attention.
"Report! Being a merchant, you regret it for two years! Not being a merchant, you regret it for a lifetime!" (Note: Parody of "Serving in the army regrets for two years...").
Daikon smiled and signaled him to drink again.
Kakuzu took another sip.
Daikon said: "Drink more."
Kakuzu laughed.
"You want me to spill the truth after drinking, right?"
Daikon smiled.
"I just want to see what you look like when you're drunk."
Kakuzu laughed loudly. He grabbed the bottle, took a huge swig, raised the bottle, and swayed his head:
"I have never been drunk~"
Then, he squatted backward, sticking his butt out, and pulled a small stool from under the bed. While doing so, he stared at Daikon with a slightly perverted gaze...
He said while grabbing the stool:
"I started drinking when I was three~"
Kakuzu sat on the small stool, stared at Daikon, and continued:
"At twelve, wine emboldened my guts! I stole the village treasury~"
Perhaps the alcohol was too strong, Kakuzu paused. He recovered and said:
"At seventeen..."
He stopped deliberately.
Daikon asked:
"What happened at seventeen?"
Kakuzu didn't speak. He just took another huge swig from the bottle.
---
Scene Change.
Mizuna heard Kakuzu was arrested and rushed over to bail him out.
When Mizuna entered, he found Kakuzu doing a handstand sleeping against the bed, muttering things like "Drink more! Drink more!"
Mizuna's mouth twitched. He dragged Kakuzu out of the station.
Suddenly, Kakuzu vomited all over Mizuna.
Mizuna's eye twitched. He looked at the luxury hotel in the distance.
He dragged Kakuzu inside.
The receptionist saw Mizuna and smiled immediately.
"Lord Mizuna, how can I help you?"
Mizuna threw Kakuzu onto the floor and pointed at him.
"Open the most luxurious, most expensive room for him..."
Mizuna paused, then looked at Kakuzu with cold eyes.
"When he wakes up, make him pay for it himself!"
Mizuna walked out.
The receptionist looked at Kakuzu, who was vomiting on the floor.
Receptionist: "......"
......