"I'm so stupid."
Kira slumped against the cold concrete wall, placing her hands over her face. Its rough, grainy texture pressed against her palms, a groundingly normal sensation in the maelstrom of her mind.
"Why did I-I why did I have to run out on him like that?"
The endless hall, usually at any other time of the day a buzzing hive of activity, seemed eerily still in the early morning light. All the servants were gone, off to prepare for Elias' birthday. The sounds of bustle were distant in the kitchen, muffled by the thick carpets and high ceilings. Kira stood small, trembling against the imposing architecture.
"Did I really just leave him? I wonder what he thinks of me now. Probably thinks I'm just a creep with ugly scars on her."
She chewed on her nail, biting what was left of it until it felt like it started to hurt, a sharp metallic tang briefly overriding the residuum of dust and old polish in the air.
Her foot tapped rapidly against the ground, frantic, irregular rhythm against the silence, like an itch she couldn't scratch, it gnawed away at her. Her thumbs twiddled, rubbing the skin raw, then she cracked her knuckles, the small sharp pops echoing unnaturally loud in the empty space.
"I wanna kill myself, I'm such a dumbass!!"
Kira laid her cheek against her knees, staring blankly at the white concrete wall. The stark, featureless expanse was easier to look at than the ornate patterns of the ceiling or the flickering shadows cast by the far-away, unblinking lights. Her sight felt too sharp, picking out every imperfection in the plaster, every bump in the concrete. It was all too much. Too quiet and bland, yet too detailed.
[I want my life back, I want to play piano, I want to become famous, get married, I want attention from others. Why couldn't I just… be normal? Like Hana? I just wanted someone to see me. To truly see me, not just the monster. But I always screw it up. They all lied to me, they said that effort will persevere, that I'll succeed in life if I tried hard]
Her shoulders hitched, a dry sob catching in her throat. She dug her nails into her scalp, tugging at her dirty brown hair until the pain was a dull ache.
She pulled her knees up tighter and brought her forehead against her knees. The trace aroma of fear swam up her senses: a sharp, almost metallic taste. It made her angry. Angered her that it existed. That she existed. That her body betrayed her because it couldn't control itself.
[He saw my scars. He saw all of them. And he didn't flinch. He listened. But then I ran. He must think I'm a coward. A fraud. A broken doll, too shattered to even function. He was so kind, he told me to not use my ability if I don't have to. He said, "It's not your fault." But it is. Everything is my fault. The zoo. My dad. My mom.. My very existence. I'm a waste of space. If only I wasn't born at all.]
Her hands started compulsively to rub her arms, tracing faint, almost invisible lines of healed wounds she knew were there, memorized in the architecture of her skin. That repetitive motion had been a small, desperate attempt to regulate the overwhelming flood of self-condemnation.
The silence of the hall, once a muffled murmur, had grown thick around her, and the furious beat of her own heart swelled and amplified. It was too much. It was too loud in her mind, and too still outside. She screwed her eyes tight, demanding there be some hard boundary between her thoughts and the world, some filter to cushion the ragged edge of reality. But there was no respite, no respite from herself.
The muffled rhythmic tap of highly polished shoes came closer. Kira flinched, pulling her knees up tighter against her chest. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.
[Why am I always crying over the smallest things?]
"Miss Kira? What are you doing in the hallway?"
The voice was low, smooth, and utterly devoid of judgment or surprise. It was Tian, the head butler. He stood a respectful distance from her, his posture ramrod straight, his long black coat falling perfectly to his knees.
Though his eyes were old, they were sharp and regarded her with an unnerving, impassive calm. He held a silver tray, upon which sat a single cup of steaming tea. It was steaming.
'You appear… distressed.' He didn't ask, but let his gaze settle on her trembling form before moving on. 'Do you want some tea? It's Darjeeling. It's a very good mix. It will have a soothing effect on you."
Kira shook her head and couldn't bring herself to raise her eyes from the intricate designs on the carpet. "I'm a terrible person." A distorted whisper was all that could be heard from her voice. "I'm constantly running from people who want to protect me, but all I end up doing is dumping them into the dust, causing them trouble."
Tian's head canted slightly, his face impassive. "People don't change in just a year or two, especially for witches, my condolences for you, someone who has faced severe trauma." Tian carefully set the tray on the floor side by side with her, and that soft tinkling sound was the only thing marring the silence within that infinitely stretching hall.
"Master Hoshimi, to my understanding, was capable and temperedly suited to deal with it, he has taken much worse after all, I believe that you're not troubling him very much."
"So many people were hurt because of me." She stared up with unshed tears. "My ability… it kills everyone around me in seconds." She paused, her eyes drooping. "Even the incident at the zoo, the children. It was all because I said I wanted to go to the zoo."
[I shouldn't have said that, why did I-? Now Audrey and the rest are going to get in trouble]
"Indeed." Tian's voice remained even, a counterpoint to her rising panic. "A regrettable turn of events. However, Master Hoshimi is a remarkably capable individual. His… resilience is quite notable." He paused, his gaze drifting towards the library doors. "And Miss Audrey, despite her… circumstances, has recently demonstrated a surprising capacity for action herself."
[Did he- already know?]
Kira sniffled, her nose rubbing itself on her hand. "You're just saying that. I was useless. Just like always." Her voice finally broke. "Everyone always leaves me behind 'cause I'm a liability."
For an instant, a flicker of something, almost depth, brushed Tian's eyes and was gone. "Miss Kira," he began, his tone changing, subtly softer, less formal, "I've seen a great many people under duress. Some fight openly, show great bravery. Others fall back and wait. Both, in their own fashion, are threatened. Your strength lies in your future, do not be afraid to use your gift, and eventually you will become someone that is strong, very much so."
So he bent and carefully retrieved the teacup and offered it to her. "Perhaps Master Hoshimi understood this when he requested your presence, and perhaps your assistance was very much needed."
She looked at the cup and then at Tian's upturned palm. His words were as stoic as ever, but somehow less rejecting than she had thought they would be.
"What do you mean?" she asked, her voice still thin, but curiosity pricking through her despair.
"From what I've seen, master Hoshimi was given the responsibility to make sure of the patriarch's murderer's identity, that alone shows that he's observant enough to pick his companions wisely."
Kira flinched, drawing her hands back from the cup as if it would burn her.
"What could I possibly have that he would ever want from me? For all I know, I'm just a ticking time bomb, ready to explode."
As he spoke, he gesticulated vaguely with a sweeps-and-empties motion of his hand. " 'A power that kills everyone around you in seconds. ' Yes. But look at it from a different perspective, Miss Kira. A power that could even possibly rival Miss Sophia's potential. A silent, deadly power that can bring down even the mightiest. A silent but deadly ability."
[H-he even knows about my power, I wonder how much he knows?]
"Your value as an individual, Miss Kira, is directly linked with your usefulness. But you loathe the very thing that makes you useful. It's a paradox that you have to sort out. Your talent for exhaling carbon monoxide isn't a weakness. It's an extraordinary display of your soul's essence, something that no one else can match, and it's exactly why you're not a liability."
"Come with me, Miss Kira. And let me show you…. the path to your true potential."