Chapter 11: The UA Buyout and the Class of Calamity
[A/N: Look, we've been "Normal" for long enough. It's time to let the intrusive thoughts win. 🚩 PLEASE turn off your brain before reading this. If you lose brain cells, you cannot sue me. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fever dream!]
(Sunny Midoriya POV)
Middle school is a jungle, but I'm the guy who brought the banana peels.
The hallways of Aldera Junior High were currently suffering from a severe case of 'Me.' I wasn't just walking horizontally along the lockers—I was doing it while wearing a tuxedo and riding a unicycle that defied every law Newton ever wrote.
"Sunny! Please!" Izuku hissed from the floor, clutching his scorched 'Hero Analysis' notebook. "The principal already warned you about 'vertical loitering'!"
"Izu-chan, I'm not loitering, I'm ascending!" I chirped. I pulled a giant wooden mallet out of my back pocket and tapped a locker. [CLANG!] Out popped a fully cooked turkey, which I caught on a platter. "Hungry? Gravity makes the best seasoning."
"BRO! SAVE ME A WING!"
A blur of yellow electricity and excessive hair gel slammed into the lockers right under my unicycle. Denki Kaminari looked like he'd just stuck his finger in a socket—and enjoyed it.
"You're him! The physics-breaker! The drum-lord!" Kaminari scrambled to follow my unicycle. "I tried to play drums once, but I accidentally channeled 1.21 gigawatts into the bass pedal and now I'm legally barred from every Music Store in the prefecture! We're soulmates, dude! Look at us! Two walking disaster zones!"
[SOUND EFFECT: A GIANT 'NOISE CANCELING' CURTAIN FALLS BETWEEN US]
I didn't hear him. I just kept pedaling on the wall, munching a drumstick. "Did you hear a buzzing sound, Izu-chan? Probably just a very loud, very confused gnat."
Suddenly, a splash of pink slid across the floorboards. Mina Ashido didn't just walk; she moonwalked backward through a crowd of terrified students, leaving a trail of shimmering, neon-pink acid that spelled out 'VIBE CHECK'.
She spun around, pointed finger-guns at me, and her eyes literally turned into glittering stars. "That beat! From the video! I've been breakdancing to it in my sleep! My mom had to hose me down this morning because I wouldn't stop spinning!"
"Mina-chan! Watch the acid!" Izuku squeaked, hopping over a puddle.
"It's fine, Cinnamon Roll!" She fell into step beside him, leaning her weight on a gravity-defying elbow. "I'm Mina. I like chaos, dancing, and making teachers cry. Sunny, if you can turn my acid into strawberry soda, I'll follow you into battle."
"I can turn it into literal liquid disco, but soda is a premium upgrade," I winked, my teeth doing a literal [DING!] flash.
We reached the classroom. Leaning against the frame was Fumikage Tokoyami. He was shrouded in so much 'emo-energy' that the hallway lights actually flickered when he looked at us.
"The performance," he rasped, his bird-head tilting at a 180-degree angle. "It was a symphony of the abyss. A rhythmic ritual of the deep dark."
I blinked. My eyelids made a [SHUTTER-CLICK] sound. "I just wanted to see if I could make the cymbals scream in a different key. Glad you liked the void, Bird-Brain."
Tokoyami nodded solemnly. "Mad banquet of darkness. I respect it."
(Principal Nezu POV)
I sat in my office at UA, sipping a cup of High Mountain Oolong that cost more than a small car.
On my primary monitor was the global stock market.
On my secondary monitor was a live feed of the International Space Station.
On my tertiary monitor—the one with the 'COMEDY' label—was Classroom 1-A at Aldera Junior High.
"Fascinating," I whispered, my tail twitching in a rhythmic, caffeinated blur.
On the screen, Sunny Midoriya was currently using his own arm as a jump-rope for a girl with invisible hands. I cross-referenced his movement with a clip of The Road Runner from 1949.
"The frame-rate interpolation is flawless," I noted, my eyes glowing with a scientific, slightly manic light. "He isn't just a mutant; he's a living editing software. He's bypassing the 'limiters' of the physical world through pure, unadulterated absurdity."
I pressed the intercom button. "Aizawa-kun, are you in position?"
The screen split to show Shota Aizawa hiding in the vents above the classroom, looking like he wanted to jump into a woodchipper. "Nezu... why am I here? I'm a high school teacher. This is a kindergarten in middle-school bodies."
"Because, Shota," I chirped. "I've just bought the school. I want to see if we can produce heroes out of pure, concentrated chaos. Now, tell the teacher to begin. I want to see how the 'Explosion Boy' reacts to a man who can breathe through his ears."
(Mr. Tanaka POV - The Man Who Regrets Everything)
I stood at the podium. I had a degree in education. I had dreams once. Now, I have a recurring nightmare featuring a boy with a carrot.
"Settle down!" I shouted.
Bakugo was currently vibrating with enough rage to power a small city. Aqua was trying to 'bless' her desk by pouring a literal waterfall out of her palm, flooding the back row. Mina and Kaminari were having a thumb-war that involved actual sparks and acid.
"I have... news," I said, my voice trembling. "As of this morning, Aldera Junior High has been acquired. We are now a subsidiary of UA High School."
The room didn't just explode. It [KABOOM!]'d.
"UA?!" Bakugo roared, blowing his desk into toothpicks. "OF COURSE THEY WANT ME! I'M THE ONLY REAL HERO HERE!"
"REJOICE!" Aqua shrieked, standing on her desk. "UA HAS FINALLY RECOGNIZED THEIR DIVINE PATRON! OFFERINGS OF CHOCOLATE ARE NOW MANDATORY!"
"Silence!" I slammed my hand on the desk. It turned into a giant marshmallow.
I looked at Sunny. He was leaning against the air, holding a needle.
"Sorry, Teach," Sunny grinned. "The tension was getting too 'hard.' Thought I'd soften the blow."
"Right," I whispered, my soul leaving my body. "Introductions. Name and Quirk. Keep it brief. I need a drink."
(Sunny POV - The Roll Call of Doom)
Kaminari: He stood up, tried to wink, and accidentally discharged a bolt of lightning that fried the PA system. "I'm Denki! I'm electric! I'm currently smelling burnt toast! Wheyl!"
Mina: She did a backflip and landed on the ceiling. "Mina Ashido! I'm acid-proof and vibe-certified! Sunny, can I borrow your mallet for a second?"
Tokoyami: "Fumikage Tokoyami. This is Dark Shadow." A shadow monster popped out of his stomach and tried to eat the teacher's stapler. "We crave the twilight snacks."
Jirou: She plugged her earphone jacks into her desk, and the entire room started vibrating with a heavy bass line. "Kyoka Jirou. I like music. I like drums. Sunny, if you touch my jacks, I'll explode your head."
Hatsume: A girl with pink dreadlocks kicked the door open—she wasn't even in our class, she just appeared. "MEI HATSUME! I HEARD THERE WAS A TEST SUBJECT HERE! LOOK AT MY BABIES!" She threw a mechanical spider onto Bakugo's head.
"GET IT OFF ME, YOU CRAZY GEAR-HEAD!" Bakugo yelled, sparks flying.
Aqua: "I am Aqua! The Goddess of—"
[CUE: CRICKET SOUNDS]
I had pulled a giant 'Mute' button out of my pocket and pressed it. Aqua kept talking, but only bubbles came out of her mouth. She looked like an angry, blue goldfish.
Bakugo: He stood up, and the floor under him literally melted. "Katsuki Bakugo. I'm the best. I'm the strongest. And if any of you 'extras' get in my way, I'll turn you into ash! Especially you, Deku! And you, Rabbit-Freak!"
Izuku: My brother stood up, shaking so hard his freckles were blurred. "I-I'm Izuku Midoriya! I... I have telekinesis! Watch!" He tried to lift a pencil. It wiggled. "I'm going to be a hero!"
"Boring!" Bakugo yelled. "Useless!"
"Oh, is that so?" I said, standing up.
I didn't walk to the front. I turned into a 2D drawing on the floor, slid under the desks like a shadow, and popped out of the teacher's jacket pocket. I was six inches tall and wearing a tiny crown.
"Ehh, what's up, docs?"
I jumped out, grew to ten feet tall, and then snapped back to normal size with a loud [BOING!].
"Sunny Midoriya. Quirk: Toon Force. I'm legally considered a natural disaster in twelve prefectures. I ignore gravity, I edit the script when I'm bored, and I'm pretty sure I'm the reason our teacher is currently weeping into his marshmallow desk."
I looked at Bakugo. I reached into the air, pulled out a giant '50-Ton' weight, and dropped it.
Bakugo lunged out of the way, but the weight didn't hit the floor. It stopped an inch above the ground, turned into a bouquet of exploding gag-cigars, and went [POP-POP-POP], covering Bakugo in soot and giving him a permanent afro.
"That's for the 'Deku' comment, Kacchan," I grinned, pulling a carrot out of his ear. [CRUNCH].
"I'LL KILL YOU!" Bakugo screamed, his afro smoking.
"Okay! Gym! Now!" Mr. Tanaka wailed, running for the exit. "We're going to the reinforced playground! I am not dying in a classroom covered in glitter and marshmallow!"
As we filed out, I walked on the ceiling, Tokoyami's Dark Shadow tried to hold my hand, and Aqua was still muted, frantically trying to find the 'Unmute' button on her own chest.
"Izu-chan," I whispered, leaning down from the ceiling. "This is going to be the best school year ever."
Izuku looked at the soot-covered Bakugo, the dancing Mina, and the literal Goddess-Puddle. He sighed, a small, brave smile on his face. "I think I'm going to need a bigger notebook."