By the time I get to the café, it's exactly 8:00 am on the clock. I'm doing my routine sign-in when I catch sight of Simon coming out of
the storage. Even though we have a member of the staff that has been assigned to storage duties, Simon still loves to take inventory himself. I can't tell if he does that because he genuinely loves to do so or because he just doesn't trust anyone to be as thorough as he is or maybe it is a mix of both reasons.
"Good morning Leilani, it's quite a pleasure to see you on time today". I arrived at work a little late just once since I started here about 9 months again and this old grouchy man has never stopped giving me hell for it. At this point, I'm led to believe that he mostly does so because he knows I have a smart mouth and I'm easy to rile up.
"You know I'm always on time, I come late just once and you can't let it go? It's little wonder you have all those wrinkles on your face, must
come from being grouchy and always keeping a grudge". If there is anything that gets on Simon's nerves the most, it's people referring to his wrinkles. It's not like he has a lot of them, but still, they're a very sour spot for him. He
looks at me incredulously and just shakes his head in exasperation. Good to see I have successfully shut him up, at least for now.
"I thought as much. You've got nothing to say back? Cat got your tongue old man", he knows this is my way of being affectionate towards him and he doesn't seem to mind one bit. "The report for last week would be on your table by the time you get to the office ".
I'm getting out of the office after submitting the report on Simon's desk when I spot Elias at the reception leading up to office. I groan internally when he catches sight of me as well. Do not get me wrong, Elias is a very good man, but that exactly is the problem. He's foo good for his own good and probably too good for me as well. I know he likes me, it's so easy to tell
mostly because he's not even trying to be subtle about it. I wish I could reciprocate his feelings. If I had been a normal girl with a normal childhood, maybe, just maybe I would have fallen for him. He's the most ideal person you could ever be looking for as a future partner, but there is no future for me, I'm too far consumed by my quest and thirst for revenge. Many men think they love me and Elias is definitely one of those men, but that's not the case. They love the idea of me, the carefully curated illusion that I allow people to see
on the surface, not the real me. No man, knowing what I have endured and even the things that I have done or plan to do, would ever love me.
"Hi Leilani…ummm hii…earth to you" I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder and I'm immediately jolted back to reality. I hadn't even realized
that I had been so lost in thoughts. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch you, but I have been trying to get your attention for the past minute to no avail".
Poor man, he looks so nervous around me. He probably remembers that one infamous incident where I had been lost in thoughts just like I was right now and he has tried to get my attention lightly touching my shoulders. I'm not
proud to say that I nearly dislocated his arm. It hadn't exactly been his fault, neither had it been my fault. I was just started to try out human interactions without flinching or backing away and touch was still a very
sensitive action for me at the time. I'm still very sensitive to being touched, but it's not as bad as it used to be.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I must have been so lost in thoughts, I didn't even realize you were there." That's a lie, but does he really need to know that?
"Yeah, I kind of figured. Did your weekend go well?" I have to visibly control myself to keep from wincing at his attempt at small talk.
"You could say that, it was the same old boring routine."
How do I tell him that I spent my weekend obsessing over a man that has seemed to perfect the very act of evading all my attempts at getting just about anything on him that's not already public knowledge? Which reminds me, I was going to get Mirv to help me with my search. I'd have to tell her when we go
shopping later.
"Ummm…I don't know, are you busy later today? If you don't mind, we could grab dinner together when we get off work later today." Is this man trying to ask me out on a date? I really should find a way to let him know I'm not interested in any form romantic relations as it stands, maybe even ever.
"I would really love to, but I already have plans for the day. I'm so sorry"
"Oh, that's fine. You can let me know when you'd be free, we could grab lunch or dinner together, whatever you prefer."
I take a deep breath and very carefully search for the right words to get the message across to him, my disinterest for romantic relations.
I don't want to come off as rude to him, but I also want to be as firm and resolute as possible, leaving absolutely no opening for any thoughts of maybe.
"Elias, I really appreciate your feelings for me, but unfortunately, I cannot reciprocate them. I have not ability to feel any form of romantic feeling for anyone. It's not something about you, it's totally about me and there really is little or nothing you can do to change my resolve.
I do appreciate your efforts though, but do not waste them on me. Find someone who is deserving of your attention and who can reciprocate as well."
"I was really hoping it would not get to the point where you have to reject me outrightly. But then again, I appreciate you being upfront
about how you feel. Better an early and outright rejection than to feel that you purposely led me on even when you had no intentions of being together with me." He looks at me with so much empathy in his eyes before walking away for his work station.
And this is exactly why I cannot be with a man like Elias. He's too understanding for his own good. A woman like me would only break him
beyond repair. With that thought, I slowly work over to my work station to begin the work of the day.