I saw her with him on a Thursday.
Wasn't looking for her, wasn't even thinking about her, I was just walking to the faculty block to submit an assignment I'd finished at 3am.
Then I saw the, outside the library.
She was laughing, head thrown back, real laughter yeaahh. The kind she used to give me... lol.
He was tall, clean, had that look—the kind that said his biggest worry was which restaurant to eat at.
He touched her arm while he talked.
She didn't move away.
I stopped walking.
Someone bumped into me from behind. Cursed but kept moving.
I stood there.
She turned, saw me.
Everything in her face changed.
The smile died.
For three seconds, we just looked at each other across the distance. Then she said something to him, and started walking towards me.
I turned around and left.
"Wait—"
I kept walking.
"Please, just wait—"
I stopped but didn't turn around.
She caught up with me and came around to face me.
"It's not what you think," she said.
I laughed, actually laughed.
"You don't even know what I think."
"You think something's going on."
"Is it?"
"No, he's just a friend from my department."
"Friends touch you like that?"
"Like what? He barely—"
"I saw it."
Her face hardened. "So what? You're watching me now?"
"I was walking to class, you were right there."
"And you immediately assumed the worst."
"What am I supposed to assume, Zainab? You've been ignoring me for two weeks, you refused to answer my calls, won't explain anything, then I see you with someone else looking happier than you've looked with me in months..how would you think I'd assume or feel?"
"That's not fair."
"None of this is fair."
People were staring now, we were making a scene.
She lowered her voice, "Can we talk somewhere private?"
"Why? So you can lie better?"
Her eyes flashed, "Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"I haven't lied to you."
"You haven't told me the truth either."
"Because you wouldn't understand—"
"Try me."
She looked away, and crossed her arms.
"I've been stressed, about school, about home, about everything. I just needed space to think."
"Space from me."
"Space from everything."
"But not from him."
"It's not like that—"
"Then what's it like?" My voice was rising. Couldn't control it anymore. "Tell me, because from where I'm standing, it looks like you replaced me and didn't even have the decency to say so."
"I didn't replace you—"
"Then what is this? What are we doing?"
She went quiet,
That silence said everything.
"You know what?" I said, "Forget it."
I started walking.
"Don't do that," she called after me. "Don't just walk away."
I turned back, "That's rich coming from you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You've been walking away for weeks, I'm just finally catching up."
She stepped closer.. her a fierced look.
"You want to know the truth? Fine, i'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I have to explain myself, tired of you acting like you own me because we kissed a few times."
That hit different.
"I never said I owned you."
"You're acting like it, getting jealous, interrogating me about who I'm with."
"Because you won't talk to me, you shut me out and expect me to just be okay with it."
"Maybe I shut you out because you're exhausting."
The words hung there.
She realized what she'd said, I saw it in her face.
"I didn't mean—"
"No, you meant it."
"I'm just stressed—"
"We're all stressed, Zainab. We're all broke, we're all tired but I don't disappear on people I care about."
"I didn't disappear—"
"You did, and the messed up part? I kept making excuses for you, I kept telling myself you just needed time, that you were going through something, but you were fine all along. You're out here laughing with other people, you're just done with me and too scared to say it."
Her jaw clenched, "You don't get to tell me how I feel."
"Then tell me yourself, right now. Are you done?"
She didn't answer.
"Say it," I pushed. "If you're done, just say it, stop wasting my time."
"Your time?" Her voice went sharp. "Like you're doing me a favor?"
"That's not what I said—"
"That's exactly what you said, like being with me is some kind of burden."
"You're twisting my words."
"I'm repeating them."
We were shouting now, full volume, people had stopped to watch.
A security guard started walking toward us.
"Everything okay here?" he asked.
Neither of us answered.
"I said, is everything okay?"
"We're fine," Zainab said, with a tight voice.
The guard looked at me,
I nodded.
He walked away slowly, but kept looking back.
When he was gone, she spoke first. Quiet now... Deadly quiet.
"You want to know why I've been distant?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Because this—" she gestured between us "—this scares me, you scare me."
"How?"
"Because I was starting to need you, and I can't need anyone right now, I can't afford to."
"That doesn't make sense."
"It doesn't have to make sense to you, It makes sense to me."
I stared at her.
"So what now?" I asked.
She looked at the ground, "I don't know."
"That's not good enough."
"It's all I have."
Something broke in me then, some quiet crack I really can't explain.
"You know what the crazy part is?" I said. "I would've understood, if you'd just told me you needed space, if you'd just been honest, I would've given you all the space you needed, but you lied, you avoided me, made me feel like I was going crazy for even asking questions."
"I didn't mean to—"
"But you did, and now I'm just standing here looking stupid while you figure out what you want."
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid—"
"You don't have to try, you already did."
I stepped back.
"I'm done."
"What?"
"I'm done with this, with waiting, with wondering.. I'm done."
Panic flashed across her face. "Don't do that—"
"Do what? Respect myself? Because that's what this is, i'm respecting myself enough to walk away from someone who clearly doesn't want me around."
"That's not true—"
"Then prove it, right now!. Tell me you want this, tell me you want us."
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
I nodded. "That's what I thought."
I turned to leave.
This time she didn't call me back.
I made it halfway across campus before my hands started shaking.
Sat down on a bench outside the faculty block, buried my head in my hands. Didn't cry tho, wanted to buh nothing came. Just some weird anger, hot and thick in my chest.
My phone rang.
(Dayo.)
I didn't pick up.
He called again.
I answered. "What?"
"Damn, who hurt you?"
"Not now, man."
"Where are you?"
"Campus."
"Stay there, I'm coming."
He hung up before I could argue.
Fifteen minutes later, he showed up with two bottles of malt and a loaf of bread. He sat next to me and handed me one bottle.
We drank in silence. After a while, he spoke.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Fair."
(More silence.)
"She hurt you bad, didn't she?"
I didn't answer.
"Man," he said. "Women are dangerous. They get in your head, make you think you need them then they switch up and act like you're the problem."
"It's not just her," I said. "It's me too, I let myself care too much."
"That's not a bad thing."
"It is when the other person doesn't care back."
He nodded, took a sip.
"So what now?" he asked.
"Now I gaz focus on money, on surviving. That's all that matters anyway."
"That's depressing."
"That's reality."
He didn't argue.
We sat there until the sun started setting.
Orange light stretching across campus.
Students were heading home, laughing, talking. Living lives that looked easier than mine.
"You'll be good," Dayo said eventually. "You always are."
I wanted to believe him.
But I didn't.
When I got back to the lodge, Kunle was there.
Took one look at me and knew.
"What happened?"
"We're done, me and Zainab."
He put down his phone. "You broke up?"
"Something like that."
"You want to talk about it?"
"No."
"You want food?"
"No."
"You want me to leave you alone?"
"Yeah."
He grabbed his charger and his keys.
"I'll be at Tunde's, call me if you need anything."
"I'm good."
He left.
I lay on my bed fully clothed.
Stared at the ceiling.
My phone buzzed.
Her name lit up the screen.
I watched it ring and let it go to voicemail.
It rang again.
I turned off the phone.
Lay there in the dark.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt completely alone. Not lonely, 'Alone' there's a difference.
Lonely means you want someone.
Alone means you've accepted they're not coming.
I closed my eyes, tried to sleep but couldn't.
Around midnight, Kunle came back.
He brought rice and stew in a small nylon bag. layed it on the table.
"Eat," he said.
"I'm not hungry."
"I don't care, eat."
I sat up, and looked at him.
He looked back, serious.
"Don't let her take everything," he said. "Don't let this make you forget how to take care of yourself."
I opened the bag, and ate slowly.
It tasted like nothing but I ate anyway.
He was right. Survival doesn't stop for heartbreak. The city doesn't pause because you're hurt. Life keeps moving, and you either move with it or get left behind.
I finished eating.
Threw away the container.
Lay back down.
This time, I slept.