I Am Trapped Inside the Monster
I woke up .
That alone should not have been terrifying. People wake up every day like I had woken up every day of my life, on my bed, in the classroom, in my room, even at work with my phone buzzing beside me and the world somehow making sense in the most mundane ways.
But this was not that.
The ceiling above me was unfamiliar but somehow familiar , it was filled with carving of patterns of dragons and clouds interlocking ,and the lacquered wood darkened by age and candle smoke. Blue silk drapes stitched with gold thread hung heavy around the bed, their colors deep and imperial.
For a moment , I didn't breathe.
I didn't move.
More like, I couldn't move.
Because I already knew.
Slowly, dread pooling in my stomach like ice water, and my stomach churned as I lifted my hands.
They were not my hands.
But his
Long fingers. Broad palms. Faint scars crossing the skin that was stronger, heavier, undeniably male. Even lying still, I could feel the foreign weight of this body that did not belong to me.
"No," I whispered hoarsely.
My voice was still wrong too.
Low.
Calm.
Controlled.
The kind of voice that did not crack when afraid.
Rich
Velvety
The kind of voice that people feared.
Dark
Memories from yesterday slams into me all at once : the throne room smeared with blood and the smoke rising from village , the kneeling courtiers, the chains biting into general's wrists, the princess shaking beneath my hands and my bloody hands.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Wake up.
Wake up.
This is a dream. I will close my eyes and I'll wake up on the plane, or in my bed. Or literally anywhere else, anywhere else but here.
I opened my eyes again.
The silk curtains were still there.
I was still Emperor Li Shen.
I was still trapped inside the monster.
A soft rustle sounded near the bed.
I tensed instantly, immediately sitting up.
"Your Majesty," a voice murmured, low and deferential. "You are awake."
I turned my head.
At least six servants were kneeling near the bed, heads bowed so low their foreheads nearly touched the floor. Two maids held folded robes. Another carried a basin of steaming water. None of them looked at me directly.
They were trembling.
Every single one of them.
Oh God. This is real.
I'm really Emperor Li Shen.
My heart began to pound with a slow, creeping panic that crawled up my spine. This wasn't just about being trapped in a fictional world anymore. This was about responsibility, the power and the fact that these people's lives existed entirely at my mercy.
And the worst part?
They believed I am the Emperor.
No even worse.
They believed I was the tyrant.
"Leave," I said .
The word came out sharper than I intended. Instantly, all movement stopped. One of the servants froze half way with the basin of hot water in her hands , breath caught, as if I'd drawn a blade instead of spoken. One of the maids that was holding the folded robes went pale.
I realized too late.
If I dismiss them now, it will look suspicious.
Strange.
I swallowed, "Prepare the bath," I corrected calmly, forcing my tone into something colder, something measured, something "Li Shen" would do .
"I will not repeat myself."
And you could feel the relief in the air as they visibly come down a bit
"Yes, Your Majesty!"
They moved immediately, efficiently, like a well-trained machine. The bath chamber was already warm by the time I stepped inside, steam curling from a massive stone tub filled with water scented of herbs and flowers I didn't recognize.
That smell amazing, maybe I should ask them of what they use.
Suddenly, two servants reached for my robe.
I flinched.
I had bathed myself my entire life,so the idea of strangers undressing me felt wrong in ways I couldn't articulate.
"I can..... "
The servants stiffened.
And the words died on my tongue.
I felt it then. The shift.
The subtle tightening of the air.
If I finish that sentence, it will not sound like independence. It will sound like defiance and rejection and that , coming from Emperor Li Shen, would only raise questions.
So I stood there.
I let them strip me of my robe, piece by piece, their hands careful, terrified. They did not linger. They did not dare touch more than necessary. Even so, I felt exposed not physically, but emotionally, like I was standing naked before the weight of a role I didn't know how to play.
This is what you wanted, right?
Real palace life.
Real emperor treatment, my brain whispered hysterically.
I get to live out my BL fantasy
But this wasn't fantasy.
This was suffocating.
When I stepped into the bath, the heat soaked into my muscles, loosening tension I hadn't realized I was carrying. I sank deeper, water lapping against my chest, and for a brief moment, I let myself breathe.
My reflection wavered on the surface.
Li Shen stared back at me.
Cold eyes. Sharp features.
Wow!
This is the first time I've seen my face I mean the emperor's face proper. He doesn't look real, he is very handsome.
I dare to say he's too handsome, he could be classified as beautiful, he looks sculpted. A face sculpted by artists to embody cruelty and dominance.
A face that had ordered countless deaths.
I'm wearing his skin, I thought, horrified.
The servants worked in silence. Too much silence.
I realized then that even breathing too loudly around Li Shen was considered dangerous.
After a few minutes of the Maids helping me, I dismissed them and I stayed longer than I should have, letting the water ground me. Eventually, the servants helped me dress again, layer upon layer of fine fabric, the weight of authority settling back onto my shoulders like a familiar chain. Each piece came with a dull metallic sound, and with it, another reminder that this body was not mine. That the scars on his skin told stories I did not remember committing. I caught my reflection in polished bronze. The man staring back was composed, distant, untouchable.
A monster wearing silk.
When I stepped out of the chamber, Jin Ao was waiting.
He stood straight, hands clasped behind his back, his expression unreadable. He did not bow deeply like the others, but he did incline his head respectful, steady, controlled.
"Your Majesty," Jin Ao said. "The court awaits".
My face felt stiff, like a mask I'd been wearing too long.
Of course they do.
The court hall was already full when I entered.
Ministers lined both sides, robes brushing polished stone floors, their heads bowing in perfect unison as I approached the throne. The sound of my shoe echoed and dozens of bodies lowered at once, a reminder of how absolute my authority was.
I sat.
The discussions began immediately.
" your majesty, the Feng river province has been secured. They surrendered without any resistance", one of the council members read from the scroll he was holding.
I simply nodded and he continued.
"We were able to secure their grain store, but we are yet to start transporting to Tianhua Empire yet"
"Mhmmm"
Another minister came up and started giving his own reports and the names blurred together, but I forced myself to listen. This was the kingdom I had just destroyed. The princess's homeland. Ren Yu's.
Another minister came up and started giving reports on the people from He'an who resisted and were captured, he suggested selling the male prisoners into labor camps to replenish imperial coffers and females and younger ones into becoming Gijis and Yiji, my stomach twisted.
This is normal to them.
This is what Li Shen would approve.
"And, why is that "
The whole courtroom went silent because the emperor never questioned these type of things, he encouraged me.
"uhmm... Well...", he looks towards the other ministers for help before continuing.
"Well, Your Majesty, the youngest is already of age several years ago and we haven't had any apprentice, from the amount of people captured there are many fānglíng", he smiled.
My stomach twisted with disgust at the kind of look on his face as he was discussing the fate of young children, women and men as if he was a hungry dog looking at a piece of bone.
I know that I should say no but it will be suspicious if the emperor said no to an issue that he usually not care about.
"We will decide later," I said coolly.
The minister stiffened, forehead touching the floor. "As Your Majesty commands."
The remaining ministers spoke to me carefully, watching my face for reactions, flinching at every pause, every silence. I realized quickly that they weren't here to advise me.
They were here to survive me.
I answered as little as possible, letting Jin Ao or senior ministers speak where they could. Still, every decision felt like stepping on glass. I knew the story. I knew what Emperor Li Shen should do.
But I also knew what I couldn't.
When court finally adjourned, I didn't return to my chambers.
"I want to see the palace," I said instead.
Jin Ao hesitated for just a fraction of a second before nodding. "As you command."
----
The conquered palace was beautiful in a way that felt mournful. Corridors stretched endlessly, lacquered wood gleaming beneath fading murals of a fallen dynasty. Gardens lay trampled under soldiers' boots, petals crushed into mud. Servants froze at the sight of me, dropping whatever they held and pressing themselves flat against the ground.
Everywhere I walked, fear followed.
No one met my eyes.
Fear followed me like a shadow.
That was when it happened.
I heard a sound, It was thin, raw, the sound of someone too young to know how to hide grief.
A small figure burst from behind a column.
A girl.
She couldn't have been more than seven or eight. Dirt smudged her face. Her hair was tangled, eyes red and burning, not with fear, but fury.
She ran straight at me.
Not to beg.
Not to plead.
But to strike.
Before I could react, Jin Ao moved.
Steel flashed as he stepped between us, sword drawn in one smooth motion, blade angled downward but ready. The girl stopped inches away, fists clenched, breathing hard and an older woman from the crowd rushes towards her and tries to pull her back but she continues to struggle in her arms.
"He took them!" she sobbed. "You took my parents! You monster!"
She managed to get out of the group of the woman that was holding her back and launched forward and Jin Ao raised his sword ready to strike.
"Enough," I said sharply.
Jin Ao hesitated. "Your Majesty... "
"Lower it."
Slowly, he obeyed.
"What is she saying? "
The older woman pools the child towards her and starts to apologize.
"Your Majesty, please forgive her, she's too young. she doesn't know what she's doing"
"No, give me back my parent"
Jin Ao answered instead. "Her parents were part of the prisoners of war that were locked up in the dungeon , Your Majesty. They were taken after the siege."
My stomach twisted.
The words hit harder than any blade.
I stared at her.
Before I could stop myself, I walk towards her and lowered myself and you could hear the gasps of people who are there. I patted her hair and stood back up to leave and i felt someone hold my pinky finger and I turned it was the child.
" please give them back to me"
The elder woman that was holding her dragged her away as she continues to cry.
I dismissed everyone with a sharp wave and while I was walking back towards the palace again I ordered that all the prisoners of War should be brought out to court that evening except for General Ren Yu.
----
By the time the sun dipped low, i made my way towards the courtroom.
The court smelled of incense and old blood.
The kind that lingered in the cracks of stone floors and wooden pillars, soaked in over decades of obedience and executions.
Don't ask me how I know this, I just know it, I could feel it
I could feel it beneath my boots as I walked to the throne, every step echoing too loudly, as though the hall itself was counting .
Kneel.
The word wasn't spoken. It never needed to be.
The moment I sat, robes settling heavily around my legs, the entire court folded down like a field of harvested grain. Foreheads pressed to stone. Backs bent so low I wondered how many of them would ever stand straight again.
God.
This is insane.
"Bring them in," I said.
Chains rattled.
The prisoners were marched in, men and women from He'an and the Feng Provinces, clothes torn, hair unkempt, eyes hollow from days in the dungeon. Some limped. Some dragged chains that were far too heavy for their frames.
I clenched my fingers inside my sleeves.
Don't react.
If you flinch, they will know.
Jin Ao stood to my right, as silent as ever. His sword at his hip,e yes sharp, watching everything including me.
A minister stepped forward, voice smooth with practiced obedience.
"Your Majesty, these are the remaining captured prisoners from Feng Provinces and the border city of He'an after the subjugation. As per tradition, we await your decree."
Tradition.
I almost laughed.
Tradition meant execution. Or slavery. Or sale to Yiji house or military camps where survival depended on how useful your body was.
I leaned back against the throne, feigning boredom, fingers tapping once against the armrest.
"I don't usually do this," I said lazily.
A lie. Or maybe not.
The real emperor didn't usually address them at all.
"But today," I continued, eyes drifting over the prisoners as though they were nothing more than chess pieces, "I find myself… in a peculiar mood."
Inside, my stomach twisted.
This is wrong. All of it is wrong.
But if you say that out loud, you die.
One of the prisoners, a man with graying hair lifted his head slightly. His eyes met mine for a brief, dangerous second before he was shoved back down by a guard.
Fear rippled through the hall.
Good.
They needed to be afraid.
"I was thinking," I went on, "that killing you all would be terribly dull."
A murmur rippled through the court.
I felt Jin Ao shift just slightly.
"So many bodies. So much blood " I sighed.
Inside my chest, something recoiled.
I leaned forward.
"You will get tol live, isn't that exciting? "
The silence that followed was suffocating.
The minister's eyes widened before he masked it. "Your Majesty…?"
"You will live," I repeated, voice sharpening, "under one condition."
I sat up.
"My Condition"
The hall stiffened instantly.
"You will serve me."
"You will pledge absolute loyalty to the throne," I said. "You will work where you are assigned. Fields. Armories. Administrative halls. Military support. You will live for me because I allow it."
I stopped .
"Refuse," I said quietly, "and you will be executed before sunset."
A pause.
"Attempt escape," I added, "and your families will join you in the dungeon."
Inside my head, I was screaming.
But It was the smallest mercy I could afford.
I stood .
Every single prisoner bowed, foreheads striking stone.
"Good," I said softly. "I grow tired of corpses."
I turned and walked out of courtroom , the court buzzing with restrained shock.
---
On my way back to my Chamber, i suddenly remember that I've not seen the princess for a while now so I told Jin Ao to show me where she's staying. The palace wing where the princess was kept was quiet. Too quiet.
Just the soft shuffle of servants who refused to meet my eyes.
When i got to the door, i ordered general Jin Ao to stay back and I opened the door and that's when it hit me.
Cold food stench.
Stale rice. Soup untouched.
She sat curled on the bed, thin shoulders trembling as she looked up at me.
The princess on seeing me fell to her knees instantly.
"Y-Your Majesty…"
Her voice shook so badly my chest tightened.
She's afraid of you.
Of him.
I forced my face into indifference.
"Have you not eaten?" .
She hesitated.
I looked to the side. The untouched tray answered for her.
Anger flared in my chest ; sharp, hot, dangerous.
Not at her.
At myself.
At him.
"Why," I asked coldly, "has she not eaten?"
The maid collapsed to her knees. "She.... she refused, Your Majesty"
" Take out this one and bring fresh food," I snapped.
The princess flinched as if struck.
When the food arrived, I took the bowl myself.
Her eyes widened in terror.
"Eat," I said.
She shook her head, tears spilling. "Please… please release my brother…"
Ren Yu.
The name struck something deep in my chest.
"You have taken everything from him," she sobbed. "Twice. What has he ever done to you?"
Twice?
I stiffened.
"Eat," I repeated, voice darkening.
She cried harder, hands shaking as she obeyed, each bite forced down between sobs.
I hated this.
I hated every second of it.
But I couldn't let her starve. I wouldn't.
When she has had enough , I stood abruptly and left.
My hands were shaking.
What did she mean by that I have taken everything from him twice.
Chapter 4 :The sins I inherited