So, the grocery list for the "Anti-Death Smoothie" was set:
Spit from a frog that lives in literal fire, the fourth petal—specifically the fourth, because the third one is apparently trash—of an Ultra Blue Violet Lily, tears from a bird that sets itself on fire, and the heart of a senior citizen dragon.
The Dragon and the Phoenix were immediately filed under "Future Us Problems."
Those things were social distancing champions, living so far away from civilization that they probably didn't even know what a tax audit was.
That left the appetizer and the salad.
The volcano was on the edge of the kingdom, a journey that would take weeks of saddle sores and camping. But the Princess, in her infinite wisdom and padded trousers, knew exactly where to find the flower.
"It is in Wild Boar Village. A mere three days' ride."
"Three days, huh? That's a quick trip. Barely enough time to warm up."
Kaizen shook his head, looking disappointed.
Seraphina preened. She puffed out her chest—which was currently 40% boob and 60% linen—and let out a haughty, villainess laugh.
"Indeed! If all goes to plan, it will be a swift, surgical strike. No time for... distractions. No time for bets. Ohohoho!"
She raised her chin so high she was practically staring at the sun, giving him a look of supreme arrogance.
'I win, you greasy goblin. Three days? You can't even get through my armor in three days, let alone my will!'
Kaizen stared at her triumphant face. He didn't say a word. He just flared his nostrils, smirked, and casually reached behind him.
Because apparently, the Kingdom's budget was so blown they couldn't afford to lose another hero by giving him a horse, so Arthur was riding bitch on the back of Kaizen's saddle, clutching Kaizen's waist like a nervous prom date.
"Whoops."
Kaizen feinted a shove, tilting his body just enough to unbalance the blind hero.
Arthur swayed dangerously to the left, gravity reaching out to claim him.
"Arthur!"
Seraphina's arrogant laugh died in her throat. Her face scrunched in panic, her hands shooting out to catch her falling lover, her horse dancing nervously.
Yoink.
Kaizen casually hooked an arm around Arthur's waist and hauled him back upright before he could become roadkill.
He looked at Seraphina and gave a silent, open-mouthed snicker, mocking her heart attack.
'Psych.'
Seraphina flared her nostrils, whipping her head away with a huff that vibrated her chest plate.
'I hate him. I hate him so much.'
"The wind is brisk today, isn't it?"
Arthur beamed, gripping Kaizen's waist tighter, completely unaware that he had been millimetres away from a concussion.
"I feel so safe riding with you, Kaizen. You have such a sturdy back."
Kaizen winked at the fuming Princess.
"Only the sturdiest for you, buddy."
'Safe?'
Seraphina glared at the back of Kaizen's greasy head. The only danger to her safety was currently riding the horse in front of her.
If anyone was going to kidnap her, molest her, or sell her organs on the black market, it was definitely the guy who looked like he stole candy from babies for a living.
"Princess... are you certain about this arrangement?"
Arthur turned his head slightly, his blindfold facing a large oak tree instead of her.
" traveling without a royal escort... it seems perilous. What if bandits attack? What if someone tries to snatch you away?"
"Oh, Arthur."
Seraphina's voice melted like butter on hot toast. She gazed at his profile, ignoring the fact that he was talking to a squirrel.
" Guards would only slow us down. Besides, I am perfectly safe. I have you. The Noble Hero of Light. Who would dare lay a finger on me when your sword is near?"
Arthur flushed, a bashful smile spreading across his face. He reached out blindly, as if searching for her hand, but ended up patting Kaizen's thigh instead.
"You honor me, Princess. I will lay down my life to ensure your virtue remains untouched."
"And I will ensure her virtue gets touched. I mean—protected."
Kaizen chimed in, grinning over his shoulder.
"Don't worry, Princess. I've got your back. And your front. Mostly the back though."
Seraphina's face contorted. She stuck a finger in her mouth and mimed gagging violently, sticking her tongue out in pure revulsion, all while making absolutely zero sound so Arthur wouldn't notice.
Kaizen just chuckled, winking at her.
They rode for another hour, the sun beating down until the leather padding in Seraphina's trousers felt less like armor and more like a swamp.
Finally, the sound of rushing water broke the silence. A crystal-clear river cut through the forest, looking cool and inviting.
"Whoa. Pit stop."
Kaizen reined in his horse.
"My ass is numb and I smell like a wet dog. We're taking a break. Bath time."
"Absolutely not!"
Seraphina snapped immediately.
"We are on a critical mission! Every second counts! Arthur is dying and you want to splash around in a puddle? We ride until sundown!"
"Actually..." Arthur shifted uncomfortably, scratching his neck. "A wash does sound divine. The road dust is quite itchy, and the cool water would help my focus."
"That is exactly what I was thinking!"
Seraphina did a verbal 180 so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash.
"Hygiene is paramount for a hero! What a brilliant suggestion, Arthur! I was just about to suggest it myself! Let us stop immediately!"
Kaizen stared at her, shaking his head.
'Wow. If simping was an Olympic sport, she'd be taking home the gold. She didn't even hesitate.'
...
"I'm gonna go downstream and scrub the road funk off my nether regions. If the water turns gray, don't drink it."
Kaizen tossed his bundle of clothes over his greasy shoulder and vanished into the bushes, whistling a tune that sounded suspiciously like a tavern song about big-breasted milkmaids.
Silence descended on the riverbank. Just the gentle bubbling of the brook, the rustling leaves, and two blushing virgins.
Seraphina glanced at Arthur. He was sitting on a mossy rock, looking majestic and slightly confused about where the sun was.
'This is it. A romantic interlude.'
She felt the sweat trickling down her back under the layers of leather, linen, and wool. She was boiling alive in her chastity fortress.
"Arthur..."
Her voice squeaked. She cleared her throat, trying to sound regal and not like a kettle reaching boiling point.
"I... I believe I shall wash as well. The heat is... unbearable."
Arthur stiffened. His ears turned a bright, neon pink. He gripped his knees.
"O-Oh? That... that is good. Hygiene is important."
"But!"
Seraphina stomped her foot, her face burning so hot she felt lightheaded. She looked at his covered eyes, then at the river, then back at him.
"You must stay right there! You... you absolutely must not dare to peek! Even if I am splashing! Even if I am completely unclothed and vulnerable! No looking!"
There was a heavy pause.
Pfft.
A high-pressure fountain of bright red blood erupted from Arthur's nose, staining his pristine white tunic in seconds. He gasped, clutching his chest, swaying like a tree in a hurricane.
'Damn you! Damn you, demonic priests!'
He screamed internally, shaking his fist at the heavens. He could hear the rustle of fabric. He could smell the faint scent of lavender and woman. But his eyes? Nothing but a cursed blackout curtain.
The one time—the one time—the woman of his dreams was about to get naked five feet away from him, and he was legally blind. It was a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.
"I... I promise!"
He choked out, blood dripping off his chin as he hurriedly wiped it with his sleeve, looking like a war casualty.
"My eyes... they see nothing! My honor remains intact!"
"Good!"
Seraphina huffed, secretly disappointed that he couldn't actually break his promise, and began unbuckling her armor with trembling hands.