Seraphina tugged the leather strap until her ribs complained, then tightened it one notch further.
'Perfect. Absolutely impenetrable.'
She stood before the full-length mirror, critical eyes scanning her reflection. This wasn't just an adventure outfit; it was a tactical response to a localized pervert threat.
Her mind drifted back to a week ago. The Grand Summoning. The magic circle had glowed with a holy brilliance, and out stepped Arthur.
He looked so confused, blinking his beautiful emerald eyes, like a lost puppy looking for a home.
It was instant. Badump. Her heart had done a somersault. He saw her, and she saw him, and the air just crackled.
When she explained the dire situation of the kingdom, the Demon King, the darkness, the suffering, he didn't ask for money. He didn't ask for a safe house. He didn't ask to grope the royal staff.
"I will do it, Princess. My sword is yours."
'A true hero. Noble. Selfless. Dashin.'
And then there was... him.
Seraphina's lip curled in disgust as Kaizen's greasy, cratered face popped into her mind. That degenerate. That walking health code violation.
'Why does the Goddess have such a twisted sense of humor?'
Ideally, she would have had the guards toss him into the moat the second he started sexually harassing the furniture. But fate was cruel. The Royal Appraiser had nearly fainted when he measured Kaizen's mana.
"His Light Magic affinity... it's off the charts! It dwarfs Sir Arthur's! It's monstruous!"
That was the only reason he was breathing royal air right now. Her father had been blunt about it.
"He is the key, Seraphina. We have to endure his... eccentricities. He's a nuclear weapon with a bad haircut."
She had run to her mother, begging to summon someone else. Anyone else. Even a goblin would be better. But the Queen had just shaken her head sadly.
"The treasury is empty, my dear. Those three demonic priests who sabotaged the ritual... they didn't just delay the real second hero's arrival."
"They destabilized the mana core."
"We burned through fifty years of resources just to pull Kaizen and the others here. There are no do-overs."
So she was stuck. Stuck with a man who looked like he licked doorknobs for a living.
'Fine. If I have to tolerate him, I will not let him win.'
Seraphina grabbed a thick pad of compressed wool and shoved it down the front of her trousers, right over her crotch.
Then she added a layer of hardened leather over her backside.
Finally, she strapped on a chest plate that was two sizes too big, stuffing the gap with heavy linen.
'Try feeling me up through three inches of cowhide and wool, you virgin gooner.'
She knew his type. He was a simpleton. A base creature driven by primary instincts. He would go for the obvious targets: breasts, ass, and between the legs.
That's all men like him knew.
He probably learned about women from those disgusting illustrated books peasants hide under their mattresses.
'He thinks he can make me cum? He won't even be able to find my skin!'
She did a few squats to test the mobility. It was stiff, hot, and uncomfortable, like wearing a portable sauna, but it was safe.
She looked like a heavily armored Michelin man, but her virtue was secure.
'All I have to do is endure. I'll get the ingredients, cure Arthur, and then this greaseball can rot for all I care.'
"Princess! The hero is waiting at the stables!"
A maid called from outside.
Seraphina took a deep breath, steeling herself.
"I'm coming! And tell him to keep his hands where I can see them!"
...
"Ready to roll, Princess?"
Kaizen was leaning against a horse that looked physically embarrassed to be near him.
Beside him stood Arthur. Even with a thick black blindfold covering the cursed rot eating away at his eyes, the guy still looked like the cover model for Paladin Weekly.
Jawline sharp enough to cut glass, posture perfect.
But the moment Seraphina stepped into the sunlight, Kaizen's jaw unhinged. It dropped so hard it practically dented his boots.
'Holy... sweet mother of dairy products.'
Seraphina had intended to create a fortress of chastity.
She had stuffed wool into her trousers and linen into her bodice to create a buffer zone.
But she had made a critical tactical error. She wore tight leather over the padding.
The result wasn't armor. The result was compression physics.
The linen in her bodice pushed her breasts up so high they were threatening to suffocate her, creating a cleavage deep enough to lose a small coin in.
The wool in her trousers didn't hide her shape; it accentuated it, giving her a camel toe that looked like it could crack a walnut and an ass that defied gravity.
She looked less like a Joan of Arc and more like "Mistress Seraphina" from the late-night adult magical crystal broadcasts.
She noticed Kaizen's eyes. They weren't looking at her face. They were glued to her chest, then drifted down to her crotch, his tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips with a loud, slurping noise.
'Wait. Why is he looking at me like I'm a glazed ham?'
She looked down. Her face went nuclear red.
'Oh no. Oh gods no. I look like a high-class tavern wench! I look like I charge by the hour!'
"Princess?"
Arthur stepped forward, his blindfold stark against his pale skin. He stumbled slightly on a loose stone, reaching out blindly.
"Arthur!"
Seraphina forgot the lewd gaze of the goblin for a second. She rushed forward, catching his hands. Their fingers interlaced, palms pressing together.
"I... I am here."
Arthur's face softened, a gentle, dopey smile spreading across his lips. He squeezed her hands, his thumbs rubbing over her knuckles.
"I knew it was you. You smell of... lavender and morning dew. It puts my heart at ease."
Seraphina's knees turned to jelly. She gazed at his handsome, cursed face, her heart hammering against her ribs.
"And you... you are brave as always. We will fix this. I promise."
"I know. As long as you are near, I fear no darkness."
The air between them shimmered with unsaid confessions. It was pure. It was magical. It was—
"Blargh... huuurgh..."
The sound of someone violently retching shattered the moment.
Kaizen was bent over his saddle, making exaggerated gagging noises, clutching his stomach like he'd just eaten a bad oyster.
"Oh god, the sugar. It's too sweet. I'm getting diabetes just watching this. My teeth are rotting. Someone get me insulin!"
Arthur jumped, blushing furiously, and pulled his hands back as if burned. Seraphina shot Kaizen a glare that could peel paint.
"Can you not have a single moment of decency?!"
"Can you two not turn my quest into a romance novel? We haven't even left the driveway yet." Kaizen wiped his mouth, snickering.
Arthur cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure.
"Kaizen, be nice. Tell me... my eyes fail me. How does the Princess look? I want to see her but alas... be my eyes, alright, friend?"
"With pleasure, Artie!!!"
Seraphina froze.
'Don't you dare.'
He stepped away from his horse, prowling toward her.
He walked a slow circle around her, his gaze heavy and physical. He stopped behind her, staring at the padded, leather-clad ass that stuck out like a shelf.
'Juicy. So thick. If I smack that, it'll ripple for a week.'
He walked back to the front, staring at the padded camel toe.
He licked his lips again, making a circle with his left hand and slowly, rhythmically plunging his right index finger in and out of it, eyebrows wagging up and down at her.
Seraphina felt her stomach churn. The bile rose in her throat.
'Disgusting pig! He's doing that right in front of him! Thank the gods Arthur can't see this filth!'
"She looks... aerodynamic, Artie. Very... cushioned. Like a fortress I'd love to lay siege to."
"Oh? That sounds... sturdy." Arthur nodded innocently.
"Very sturdy."
Kaizen stepped forward, hooking a heavy, sweaty arm around Arthur's neck like they were old drinking buddies. He leaned in, cupping his hand over Arthur's ear to block the Princess from hearing.
"Between you and me, buddy... with that outfit? She's definitely not wearing panties. Easy access for the hero, eh?"
Seraphina strained her ears, desperate to know what poison he was pouring into her beloved's mind.
Arthur's face turned the color of a ripe tomato. He giggled and swatted Kaizen's chest playfully with a limp wrist.
"Ah! Kaizen! Stwaap it! You are terrible!"
Arthur covered his burning cheeks, grinning shyly, looking scandalized but weirdly entertained.
Seraphina stood there, mouth slightly open, the wind knocked out of her sails.
'What? "Stwaap it"? Since when does the Noble Hero of Light giggle like a schoolgirl? And when did these two become best friends?!'
She looked from the grinning goblin to the blushing hero. A horrible knot of jealousy tightened in her chest.
Not only did she want to know what he said, but seeing them so chummy... it felt wrong. Like seeing a unicorn hanging out with a dumpster rat.
"Alright, break it up lovebirds. Saddle up. I've got a dragon to harass and a bet to win."
Kaizen slapped Seraphina's horse on the rump, dangerously close to her own thigh, and swung himself into the saddle with a cackle.