"Fuck—I'm basically seven-tenths cooked already! This ape is even sprinkling SICHUAN PEPPERCORNS?! Damn it, do you even know how to grill?! Salt is the real king, okay?!"
Evolution Theory couldn't help but curse.
Even though he was tied to a wooden spit with raging flames roasting him from below—and was just about to breathe his last—Evolution Theory still unleashed nonstop trash talk like a seasoned keyboard warrior.
The Primordial Ape glanced at the endlessly yapping Evolution Theory, its expression clearly saying:
Why the hell does this kebab talk so much?
So it casually scraped a lump of black, greasy filth from its own body and shoved it straight into Evolution Theory's mouth.
"Wmmph—mmmph!!"
Evolution Theory nearly exploded with rage, but could only make muffled noises.
Just then—
BOOOOM!!!
Three-colored lightning crashed down from the sky, instantly scorching the Primordial Ape into charcoal. Another bolt followed, shattering the several-dozen-meter-long wooden spit and freeing Evolution Theory.
"???"
Evolution Theory was completely stunned, staring blankly at the sky.
A majestic voice echoed from above:
"The one who saves you… is Heavenly Dao Noodles!"
The dark clouds rapidly converged.
"Heavenly Tribulations, let's move!"
With a shout, lightning, flames, and icy currents surged through the clouds, which then swept off toward the horizon!
"???"
Evolution Theory stood there for a long while, utterly dumbfounded.
…
"Damn it, let's just charge out and fight him!"
"This dragon is way too shameless!"
"Yeah! He's clearly messing with us on purpose!"
Vongola Boss and his group of players were cursing furiously inside a small mountain cave.
Outside, a giant dragon kept spewing dragonfire into the cave while letting out bizarre, unsettling roars.
But the most horrifying part?
When it felt the timing was just right, the dragon turned around—
—and aimed its dragon butt straight at the cave entrance.
BOOOOM!!!
A thunderous fart echoed as the dragon immediately covered the cave entrance with its claws to trap the smell inside, all while letting out sinister dragon laughter.
Yeah.
This was definitely not a respectable dragon.
"AAAAH! I'M GOING TO FIGHT IT!"
"You bastard!"
"We only stole a little dragon shit—WHY must we suffer such humiliation?!"
…
The entire Dragon Shit Squad felt like vomiting blood.
Then—
BOOOOM!!!
Lightning fell from the sky, blasting the dragon so hard it screamed and fled in panic.
"What the hell?! Why did lightning strike that dragon?"
Vongola Boss and the others were stunned.
A dignified voice echoed once more:
"The one who saves you is Heavenly Dao Noodles! Heavenly Tribulations, let's move!"
Dark clouds rolled, thunder roared—and then vanished into the distance.
"…No way."
"…Could it be… Brother Noodles?"
Everyone stood there, brains completely fried.
…
"Damn it, this is bullshit!"
"Yeah! Over a hundred people ganging up on the three of us—how shameless can they be?!"
"Unforgivable!"
Li Godslayer, Wang Demon-Slayer, and Liu Immortal-Cutter were covered in blood, beaten half to death in a gladiatorial arena, surrounded by over a hundred powerful enemies.
Just as they were about to collapse—
BOOOOM BOOOOM BOOOOM!!!
Over a hundred lightning bolts fell with pinpoint precision, instantly killing all their attackers.
Then—
WHOOSH!!!
Three-colored flames crashed down, burning through the arena floor and blasting open a massive escape route!
A voice thundered from the heavens:
"I am Heavenly Dao Noodles! Etch this into your hearts! Heavenly Tribulations—withdraw!"
The dark clouds tore through the sky and disappeared.
Only the three survivors remained, staring blankly ahead.
In less than half a day, players trapped across the world were all rescued.
Every single one of them heard nearly the exact same voice.
The speaker called himself—
Heavenly Dao Noodles.
When they logged onto the forum afterward…
That's when they finally understood.
"Damn it—how did Brother Noodles turn into Heavenly Dao Noodles?!"
"Brother Lufei's fortuitous encounter was meeting Master Roshi. Brother Zoro is out there slashing waterfalls. That all makes sense! But why the hell is Brother Noodles' fortuitous encounter controlling Heavenly Tribulations?! That's not scientific at all!"
"Fuck—Brother Noodles is hacking again!"
"I demand Brother Ming ban this bastard immediately! Ban Brother Noodles, this trash kid!"
"We third-test players strongly protest! Why do we have zero gameplay experience while first-test veteran Brother Noodles gets to experience the Heavenly Dao POV?! This is unfair!"
"Daddy Noodles, please carry me! I also want to control Heavenly Tribulations!!!"
…
The players instantly exploded into chaos.
Most were protesting furiously, while a small minority had already dropped to their knees begging to be carried.
Only those players who had actually been saved by Beef Noodles silently sent him a 648 premium red packet in the group chat.
Don't ask why.
You already know why.
"Hm? That little bastard Beef Noodles is still alive? And what the hell is Heavenly Dao Noodles?"
Just as He Yiming finished gathering players and was preparing to head out for a rescue mission, he discovered that the situation had… changed.
Beef Noodles was rescuing trapped players at an incomprehensible speed, far beyond even He Yiming's expectations.
Although he had no idea how Beef Noodles had once again evolved into Heavenly Dao Noodles, at least most of the trapped players no longer needed him to personally rescue them.
So He Yiming immediately adjusted his deployment.
"Theory Master, Pig Wolong, Gentlemen—the times have changed! You stay behind. Once King Lufei and the others return and everyone's assembled, we'll move together to the Myriad Beasts Domain!"
"Yes, Brother Ming!"
"Demon Uchiha Itachi, your group moves out first. Head to the core region of the Myriad Beasts Domain. Gather intelligence and assess the situation!"
"Yes, Brother Ming!"
"Demon disciples—follow me!"
"Our target—"
"The Myriad Beasts Domain! The Ten Thousand Beasts Prison!"
"We're going to rescue our captured comrades!"
"YES!!! BROTHER MING!!!"
…
With a sweeping gesture of He Yiming's hand, over five thousand demon players rose into the sky, charging toward the Myriad Beasts Domain alongside him!
Meanwhile…
High in the heavens—
"Heavenly Dao Noodles, sir… why are we rescuing those humans?"
A Three-Colored Water Tribulation asked, clearly confused.
Around it, seven or eight other Three-Colored Heavenly Tribulations also looked puzzled.
These Heavenly Tribulations were newly recruited. After confirming that Heavenly Dao Noodles truly possessed the Primordial Era's Five Calamities of the Heavenly Dao—the original Heavenly Dao power, they had all willingly submitted.
They had even followed Heavenly Dao Noodles in crushing numerous human geniuses who tried to brute-force their way through tribulations.
But now…
Seeing Heavenly Dao Noodles suddenly running around saving humans completely baffled them.
"Heh."
Beef Noodles put on a profound expression.
Internally, however, he was screaming:
Damn it, I just wanted to show off! Why do you all need reasons?! Why do these tribulations ask so many questions—are you all sick or what?!
"You newbies…"
At that moment, the Three-Colored Wind Tribulation spoke slowly, adopting the demeanor of an experienced senior.
"You're still too green."
"What do you mean?" the new tribulations asked.
"Heavenly Dao Noodles' actions contain at least five profound layers of meaning!"
"First—this displays the majesty of the Heavenly Dao! It intimidates humanity and suppresses Primordial Beasts and Dragons alike!"
"Second—these humans are clearly chess pieces in Heavenly Dao Noodles' hands, destined for great use in the future!"
"Third—by leaving his name behind, Heavenly Dao Noodles is issuing a provocation! He likely intends to use these humans to draw out hidden human powerhouses!"
"Fourth—by rotating our participation, Heavenly Dao Noodles is clearly testing and honing our strength!"
"And fifth—and most importantly—"
"Heavenly Dao Noodles is playing chess."
"A very big game of chess!"
…
The Three-Colored Wind Tribulation spoke eloquently and confidently, laying out all five points in flawless logic.
"So that's how it is!"
"As expected of Heavenly Dao Noodles!"
The newly joined tribulations were instantly convinced and filled with reverence.
Beef Noodles:
"???"
"Heavenly Dao Noodles, sir… what should we do next?"
The Three-Colored Lightning Tribulation asked respectfully.
All Heavenly Tribulations turned to await Beef Noodles' command.
"Isn't it obvious?"
Beef Noodles grinned and casually turned around.
Obviously I'm going to beat Brother Ming to the Ten Thousand Beasts Prison, steamroll the boss, rescue Ice Mage and the rest of those weaklings, show off like a god, and slap Brother Ming in the face while I'm at it.
"Follow me!"
"We march into the Myriad Beasts Domain!"
"Let humanity witness the might of the Heavenly Dao!"
"OOOOHHHH!!! HEAVENLY DAO NOODLES IS AWESOME!!!"