Vick
On the surface, everything looks good: a loving mother, a devoted stepfather, a cute little sister, and a perfect wife.
It masks the rot beneath: a father who cheated on his wife with his sister, an aunt who loved me more than anything and destroyed my world, a mother who hates her son more than anything and yet obsessed with me, me being the only reason they got married, a wife who is madly in love with a fake persona that I created to survive, a little sister who didn't had to go through any of this.
My emotions feel so heavy whenever I'm left alone; it's hard for me to think about anything or anyone; it's like I drift apart into nothingness. My heart aches. I want to crush these feelings deep down so they will never come back and ruin everything I have built in my shallow palace.
Whenever we are alone, I feel the same way, as if I'm dying from loneliness. But I can't help but smile at your sad and pretty face. The look on your face makes me wonder if you hate me as much as you hate the job. At least then I would mean something to you.
It crushed my heart to see you spend the night with a guy and not even glance at me at the party. Even though I was playing my role, I made sure to look in every once in a while.
Two people spending the night at a hotel, escaping from others, was enough for my imagination to run wild, but looking at you half-dressed and filled with hickeys when you opened the door threw me into despair. I no longer care; it's heartbreaking to look at you again. Ithought was going to go crazy, by not being able to be by your side.
All my thoughts and feelings stopped as you kissed me. My mind was finally calm as if it got what it wanted at last. The oxygen to breathe in this awful world. I don't want anything more. I promise to shatter that shallow palace and be with you forever.
She pulled my shirt in, and I dropped whatever I had in my hands and my mind. I was totally present in the world for the first time.
I was locked onto her gaze, purely addicted to the sense of her touch. She smells like booze, bitter, but I can't resist her touch. Her chapped lips pressed upon mine, leaving a rush of adrenaline in me. I got intoxicated in a second, so much for staying sober; my eyes softened as I looked at her closed eyes. Her lashes are natural and curled up, and her grip on my shirt is too strong. Do you not want to let go of me? She might rip it apart at this rate. I smiled as I continued to kiss her. Finally, I know what I want. I denied it for so long, ever since we met, now I can't go back, I really can't.
"Party is over. The manager is looking for you everywhere." David banged the door, causing her to pull back and me back to my senses. She was startled and looked at his way.
She let go of the shirt, and I pulled back as well. My heart is still fluttering. Have I ever felt this before? Like all the happiness was stuffed inside me.
"Where is he?" I asked, walking towards him, and she left for the restroom. I couldn't look at her, but I really want to.
"Don't sway her mind. She's trying her best to keep it together. I hope I don't have to remind you, you are married," David glared at me. I can indeed piece it together; I should leave.
"I'll take your advice." My whole body felt heavy, and I walked out of the room. I see his fists clench.
This is where we part ways. I didn't realise at that time that it was the last meeting we would have, and that was the last kiss she would give me before disappearing.
I waited, maybe like a cheap porno, I might end up meeting her again, and the whole thing would be uncontrollable and unpredictable.
Things went back to normal, and the fake persona in front of everyone whom I didn't care about. A job that made money and which didn't mean anything. The meeting room screamed her presence, the hallway she walked with me, the coffee she liked, and the car we drove in peace, all the time we spent was there, dead and alive.
Work, marriage, age, and family took all the time and energy. Everyone is so happy; my wife is social and pretty, and I got into a higher position.
A year passed by, and I didn't get a call or text from her.
I didn't reach out either; I didn't want to ask, sorry, nor did I want to hold her again. She doesn't have any photos on social media, and I don't know what she is up to. None of her colleagues care and David just glares whenever he passes by; maybe he knows. And he would never tell me.
My mom and my wife started to get into fights. Whenever they fight, my whole day will be filled with negative emotions. I can't take sides, but somehow I end up choosing my mom, which irritates my wife even more, causing our bond to break. She's been drinking out with her friends a lot and gets home at midnight.
I should be jealous or worried, but I feel nothing. I'm reminded of our mixed fantasy; I've become unsure of how our kiss happened.
I scrolled through hundreds of photos and found one picture of her.
Some David fans had posted it like a scandal. I zoomed in and took a screenshot. I threw away all the resistance and unzipped my pants and started to stroke it.
What would have happened if we weren't disturbed? Would we have made a mistake?
My wife is out again drinking, and I'm alone in this big house, echoing my fantasy about you.
I'm not holding my moans back; each time I stroke my private part, keeping my phone, her face next to it, I feel like I'm about to finish.
If I close my eyes, all I can imagine is her making love to me. Kissing the most sensitive parts and swallowing whole in her mouth, I want to pull her closer in. I want to see her eyes filled with tears. I want to see her lips swell because of me. All the pent-up frustration and desires I'm letting them out. I've never felt so free and light.
I got interrupted.
"Gosh! I knew you would miss me. I'm sorry I'm late," my wife barged in.
The feelings I had just a second ago disappeared. That feeling of irritation. I looked around, and it was only 7 pm.
"You are early," I commented, that sweet drug had wore off.
"Yeah. I came to get my lipstick. But I changed my mind about heading back." She pulled out her phone and started typing.
"Are you not angry anymore?" I asked, pulling my pants up.
"How can I not when you miss me so much that you jerk off next to my dress?" She kept her phone aside and sat down near my crotch in front of the sofa. I didn't notice that there was a dress.
She pulled my pants and got her face near it. I sat back repulsively. I didn't want her to touch me for some reason. Not today, not while I'm thinking about her.
"What's up?" she looked puzzled.
"I was already about to call it a night, I'll get condoms from the drawer." I left in a panic after I saw her face change serious.
"Are you that thirsty?" she started to undress.
What the hell is wrong with me? She is my wife, and I like her. How can I feel this repulsive? I'm a trash.